Addiction
by jgurl2424
Summary: Ashley finds herself lost and numb...hoping the help of her rehab doctor will bring her back to life.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Guess I should add a disclaimer in here, so here you go...

Disclaimer: Owning people is ludicrous, so I own no rights to the people in this story, their place on SoN, or anything else having to do with the show...that's all Mr. Lynch.

Day 1

_Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I barely recognize the face staring back at me. Who am I anymore?_

_So many drugs have run through my veins and infiltrated my mind that I'm scared to ask any questions about myself, fearing the response I may receive. If I don't recognize myself by looking in the mirror, why would any given response spark an awakening of my mind? Not going to happen, I'll tell you that right now. My mind has been slumbering in a haze for months now…ever since that day. The day she walked away from me._

_She was the best and worst thing to ever happen to me, but I knew I never deserved her love and attention. She gave and gave until I had taken all she had to give…and all that was left was a shell of a relationship, a shell I had emotionally abandoned months prior to its complete demise. I am incapable of being loved…but I did love her. I do love her, still. I guess I will never experience those feelings again though. I could never love anyone else, regardless of how incapable I was of loving her the way she deserved. She should have walked away long before she did. We were so good, but so bad for each other. _

_So, here I sit, in my 10x10 room, my body trying to rid itself of the substances that have kept me numb for so long now, shaking, sweating, unable to focus, but trying to recapture something close to normalcy in life. All the while hoping…beyond all hope…that I will one day cross her path again, if only to apologize for the hurt I so freely gave in place of the love she so truly deserved. I would tell her I loved her, that I still love her, and that I'm so very sorry for never letting her in…for never putting her first. _

_I guess everything happens for a reason, right? That's what everyone tells me. I'm not sure I believe that, but I'm willing to hold onto anything at this point in my life. I just need…something, something stable. I need to __**not**__ be so numb… _

_I'm starting to feel again now though…and I'm not so sure I like it._

_I can't help but wonder if I'll make it through the night…and even if I do, how long will I stay here before wanting to just walk away…back to my "normal" life._

"_Normal" life…now that's just funny. I spend 3-4 nights a week on stage, singing and playing the songs I love. I drink or get high almost every single day and night. I stopped writing my own music months ago because I can't seem to focus on anything but myself. If that's normal...well…then I'm pretty sure I want to discover the abnormal life._

_I just hope I can survive long enough to see what the abnormal life is all about. Right now, with the way I feel, I'm not sure I'm going to make it._

_Please, God, just send me some kind of strength to get through this and make it out on the other side._


	2. Chapter 2

-Flashback-

6 months earlier…

"ASHLEY!"

Why is she screaming at me at…looking over at the clock on the bedside table…at 6am? Grmmph….

"Macy, I'm only asking you one more time…why in the hell do you think it's okay to get out of bed HOURS before the rest of the world even thinks about waking up?" You would think she would at least leave me to slumber a little longer

"Ashleeeeey…we talked about this last night. You promised you would get up early and we would go get breakfast at that little diner we saw along the Pacific Coast Highway," Macy whined. "Why is it that every time we plan to do something you conveniently forget?"

I could see the disappointment spread across her face like leaves covering the ground in the fall. I wish she could just see me for who I am…a screw up

"Who says I forgot, Macy?"

I mean, I really hadn't totally forgotten my promise. I just knew the pounding in my head wouldn't subside for at least another hour…besides, who can eat at 6am?!

"Who eats at 6am anyway?"

"I just thought we could enjoy the sunrise over the ocean before we go," she shrugged, then her shoulders slumped down as she suddenly found something on the floor beneath her feet very interesting.

As she raised her eyes to meet my gaze, I saw an empty regret lingering amongst her emerald eyes. I hate myself for causing this…but it's who I am. She knew that when she met me, so I shouldn't feel all this guilt right? Right?!

"Do you love me, Ashley? I mean, truly love me? Because, anymore, I'm starting to believe that you love your life away from me more than the life I thought we'd built." And there it was…after an entire year together, she finally sees the truth that is Ashley Davies.

"Macy…"

"No, I mean, really. It's starting to make sense now. You wake up in a haze 85 of the time anymore, and I can't even remember the last time you just wrapped your arms around my waist to kiss me and tell me you love me. It's like you don't even breathe around me anymore. You just…exist."

Wow, I just exist? That's a little harsh if I do say so myself. I mean, I know that I haven't been the best girlfriend, but I do try…sometimes.

"Macy, why do we have to do this now? All because I didn't wake up at 6 o'fucking clock for us to go have breakfast at some shithole diner? That makes no sense to me?"

"No, Ash, what doesn't make sense is that I continue to give you every ounce of love that is in me and you freely take it without giving me a single bit in return. I'm not asking for the world, Ashley, I'm just asking...,"

"What Macy?! You're just asking what?"

"I'm just asking for…for you to put me first for once. Skip one show, stay home one night, just _be_ with me…is that so hard for you to do?"

I don't know when she got so close, but I could feel her breath on the side of my face as she pleaded with me to just be with her. What does that even mean?

"Please, Ashley…just hold me and tell me that you love me, and that I'm just being silly, and that you do want this as much as me…please, baby…tell me…" and in that second, I knew I couldn't tell her what she wanted to hear any longer.

Her pain was so obvious. The longing in her touch, the tears that found their way from her cheek to mine. I could no longer give her what she needed, and it was a reality I never wanted to face…until now… when I knew I had no other choice.

Placing my hands around her upper arms, I slowly pushed her away from me. I could see the confusion and hurt in her face. She knew it was coming. She was slowly shaking her head in disbelief.

"Macy…I…I just can't give up everything that is me. The music, and everything that comes with it…it's who I am. You know that! And you can't point fingers at the drugs and drinking, you are the one that told me to 'Take the edge off,' remember? It works for me, too." I tried to wipe away a tear from her cheek, but she shrugged me away. I just wanted to feel her skin under my fingertips one more time. An entire year of touching her, kissing her, and it was all coming to an end at this very moment.

She leaned over and pressed her lips so lightly against mine. I could feel her breath on my lips and I could taste the salt from her tears. She pulled away from me, stood up from my bed, and turned to walk away. She stopped at the door, with her hand on the knob ready to go, she slightly turned her body to make eye contact one more time.

"I love you, Ashley. No matter how much you hate yourself, I always loved you enough for the both of us. I wish you had just loved me a little in return."

And with that…she was gone.

-End Flashback-

_I should have known then that my life was spiraling out of control. I guess it's hard to see when you can't remember your own name half the time. _

_Macy put up with a lot…but fuck her. I wouldn't be in the place I'm in now if she hadn't insisted that "taking the edge off makes you play better." All I did was love that girl, everything I did was for her. I should have never given in to her, in turn giving up on myself. I know she didn't mean for this to happen, but damnit, she didn't try to discourage my using either. _

_I have to move forward. She and I will never be together again. Even when I walk out these doors, I can't go back to anything that even remotely reminds me of the numbing agents in which I find so much comfort. _

_I can never go back, but I'm not sure how to move forward either. It's all so push and pull in my mind. _

_It's her fault. It's my fault. It was inevitable. I could have prevented this. I'm worthless. I'm talented. I'm unloved…but I want nothing more…than to be loved. _

_I'm going to fail. _

_I can beat this._


	3. Chapter 3

Day2

_God, I'm not sure I'm going to survive the withdrawal. My body craves what I REFUSE to give it, but that doesn't stop it from having a mind of its own. _

_I haven't moved from my current position in probably the last 7 hours. I don't really know how long I've even been here. I know it feels like forever, but that's not real. Nothing feels real right now, except the tremors, the cold chills, the sweating, and…the memories. _

_The memories are the worst. I would trade every memory I am experiencing for a double-dose of chills and sweats at this point. My knees are drawn to my chest as I rock myself back and forth near the head of my single bed. I shake, uncontrollably, but I can't shake her from my mind no matter how many tremors run through my body…I still feel her… Macy. _

**-Flashback-**

1 year ago

"Hey Ashley! Great show tonight."

Ashley looked into the eyes of the girl in front of her and felt an immediate attraction. She was gorgeous.

"Thanks," she courteously replied, "What's your name?"

"Oh, I'm Macy. I've been coming down here to watch you play for a while now. You have an incredible voice," the girl responded.

"Well, Macy, thanks for coming out. Have time for a drink?"

The look on the girl's face was one of shock. It was like she couldn't believe her ears.

"Umm, I would love to have a drink with you."

"Great," Ashley mused. She slung her guitar bag over her shoulder and took the girl's hand in front of her, slowly backing her way to the bar, never releasing eye contact.

"Why don't you tell me a little about yourself, Macy?"

**-End Flashback-**

_I saw her every day after that night._

What have I done?

_I had everything…and I fucked it up in a heartbeat. I'm selfish, there's no other excuse. I could blame the drugs and alcohol, I could blame her for telling me we would be okay with the drugs in our life. I could blame the music, the rock star life…but the truth is, it's just me. I'm a walking train wreck…but the train's finally been de-railed. De-railed in the middle of nowhere, with no one around. _

_I have nothing. I had everything, but I will never again know what everything is. It doesn't matter…I can never go back._

_I think the walls are closing in on me? Is this some kind of sick joke? Why would they smother me here? They can't squeeze the filth out of my system! Wait, the walls are making noise now too?! I can hear scraping and movement. Can't they make the pain go away?! _

Dressed in a white lab coat, black pants, and a red shirt, the counselor assigned to assess Ashley's progress entered her room. Taking a seat, smoothing over her long blond hair, she opened the folder in her hands and began to look over the details of Ashley's addiction.

"Habitual cocaine and heroin user, drinks daily, found in a drunken stupor by her sister and brought to Memories for in-patient treatment. Willingly signed self in for 90 day treatment," she read softly to herself.

The doctor looked up from the file allowing her blue eyes to scan over the shell of a girl in front of her. She wondered how people ever got to this point. _She is so beautiful…beautifully broken, _she thought_. I hope I can help her find herself again. Such a spirit and voice shouldn't be wasted._

Ashley began slowing her rocking and found herself staring straight at the girl in front of her, so comfortably positioned in the oversized chair across from the end of her bed. She started to feel oddly comforted staring into the bluest of blue eyes.

The doctor slowly stood and walked to the side of Ashley's bed, never breaking eye contact with the broken girl in front of her. She motioned her hand to the side of the bed, asking silent permission to sit near her. Ashley simply nodded in a slow, drawn-out fashion. The young blonde sat down and quickly brought one leg up under the other, making herself as comfortable as possible.

"Ms. Davies? I'm Dr. Carlin. You and I are going to be spending a lot of time together over the next few weeks," the young doctor spoke slowly, but in a very soothing manner, in hopes that Ashley would focus on the words she was speaking. "Do you know where you are right now, Ms. Davies?"

A small nod of her head, and Ashley began to rock a little more. Back and forth, back and forth, she rocked…but never relinquished eye contact with the blonde in front of her.

"That's good. You're a step ahead of some others that come through our doors," she offered with the faintest of smiles. "Are you in any pain right now?"

The broken brunette shook her head no, but a single tear found its escape from her eyes as she continued to watch the doctor with such intensity. As soon as Ashley recognized the cool tear tracing a pattern down her cheek she leaned her face against her shirt sleeve and wiped it away, promptly returning her gaze to the doctor.

Dr. Carlin frowned ever so slightly, seeing the pain etched on Ashley's beautiful face. She wanted nothing more than to reach out and hug the beautifully broken girl, but she knew she could do no such thing…not until she knew Ashley trusted her. Instead, she flashed a shy smile her way, with her head tilting on its own, and slowly rose from the bed.

"I'll come by in the morning, Ms. Davies, and we'll spend some time together, ok?" Ashley never budged, just continued to watch the movements the blonde made. So graceful and full of life. That's all she wanted for herself…a life worth living.

"I just wanted to introduce myself so we could put faces to names. If you need anything, please push that yellow button on the wall next to your bed. The nurses are here to help you as well. If you have any pain, they can help you find some comfort," Dr. Carlin stated. Ashley simply nodded.

As the doctor reached the door and place her hand over the knob to leave she heard the smallest voice behind her. Confused, she turned her head to the girl rocking on her bed.

"I'm sorry? Did you say something," she inquired.

"Ashley," the quiet voice repeated. "Please Doc Carlin…just Ashley."

The doctor smiled and returned, "Please Ashley…just Spencer."

At that moment, the brunette broke their warring eyes and looked down at the bed in front of her, continually rocking herself, with the faintest grin tugging at the corners of her mouth.

The brunette's smile did not go unnoticed. Spencer turned the door handle and left Ashley alone to rock herself to sleep, as so many people did their first few days at Memories.

Spencer found herself getting lost in the sound of her heels clicking against the cool tile floor as she made her way back to her office. She paused for a moment at her door before pushing through, entering her quiet office to take her place behind the mahogany desk.

She knew she was going to have her hands full with her newest patient, but couldn't seem to stop smiling about it.

_She has so much potential for success in her life. I just have to find a way to break through those walls and get to the heart of her issues. I don't think she's your typical addict, at least not from what I see in her. I just have to keep my own personal feelings in check right now. Besides, I bet she doesn't even remember me…it's been so long ago._


	4. Chapter 4

Day 3

Ashley found herself evicted from the bed she was rocking on for 2 days. Now, she has taken up residence on the cold, tile floor of her private bathroom. She leans her head against the wall next to the toilet. She has found herself staring down at the water in said toilet at least a dozen times in the last 6 hours.

_There is no way there's anything left in my stomach! The dry heaving hurts worse than being punched in the chest. I'm not sure I can take this. Wouldn't a small dose of heroin make everything so much better? GOD, I have to stop thinking. I've been lost in my thoughts for far too long now. But, just one small bump…it could take all of this pain away._

-flashback-

3 months ago

"Ashley, you've been throwing up for the past hour. Will you please just listen to me…I know you want to get better, but cutting it all out is not going to help," Macy said, rubbing slow circles on Ashley's back.

"I can't keep going back, Mace…you know how I am. It's all or nothing. Now go, we aren't even together anymore," Ashley hissed through gritted teeth. She couldn't understand why this girl would push her away because of drugs, and then urge her to take them to 'get better.'

"Suit yourself, Ashley, but I'm not hanging around to watch you die from withdrawal when I can make it better for you right now."

-end flashback-

_Maybe she was right…maybe I need to just slowly remove the drugs from my life…_

The door to Ashley's room opened and she found herself straightening up against the bathroom wall to prep for whoever had entered. As she tried to slide her hands up the wall behind her and stand to her feet, her eyes locked with the ocean of blue she had seen the day before. She instantly froze against the wall, halfway to her destined stance.

"Good morning, Ashley," Spencer shyly smiled as she reached a hand out to Ashley to steady her back to her feet. "I was hoping we could chat for a bit, if you're feeling up to it."

After steadying herself, Ashley just shrugged her shoulders and nodded her head a bit as she followed Spencer back into her room. She took back her spot on the bed, huddling close to the headboard, while Spencer sat Indian style in the chair at the end of her bed.

"Do you want something to eat or drink, Ashley?"

The brunette grimaced and shook her head no.

Spencer smiled softly at seeing Ashley's look of disgust. "I know it's hard to even think about eating when you're feeling the way you are, but we've got to get something in your stomach at some point. You can't **not** eat, forever," Spencer said, throwing a sarcastic grin Ashley's way. Ashley attempted to return the smile, but just nodded in agreement.

"Do you know why you're here, Ashley," Spencer questioned.

Ashley nodded thoughtfully and as her eyes rose to meet Spencer's she softly replied, "I'm here because I won't live much longer if I don't get some kind of help."

Her response was so real that Spencer was taken aback for a moment. She jotted down a few notes on the paper in her hands and then resumed their conversation.

"Did you feel more alive when you were high, or while sober," the blonde questioned.

Ashley thought for a moment, then responded with tear-filled eyes, "I can't remember the last time I really felt alive at all," she shrugged her shoulders and looked into Spencer's eyes while continuing, "Even when I was so-called happy in a relationship, playing shows every other night, I don't think I truly felt alive. The drugs just kept me numb, not alive."

"Well, how do you feel now, Ashley?"

Ashley chuckled softly under her breath a minute, "Right this moment? I feel like shit. I feel like things were easier before I got here. I feel like someone's pulled the rug out from underneath my feet…but I feel…and that's new to me."

Spencer stood and then repositioned herself on the end of Ashley's bed. Reaching out her hand and placing it on the brunette's forearm she just nodded. "I promise you it will get better, but it will probably get worse first. Just know that I'm here for you whenever you need me. Whether that be to talk, listen, or just sit with you." Spencer withdrew her hand, trying hard to dismiss the feeling of electricity that ran through her veins with the simple touch of Ashley's skin. She could still feel the heat under her fingertips.

Ashley sat staring down at her arm that, after experiencing warmth for a few seconds, was now cold again. She furrowed her brows and looked up at the doctor sitting in front of her. "You're paid to act like you care, I understand. Just do what you can to help me get better, Doc."

"Please, call me Spencer."

Ashley's features softened a bit as she drew her knees to her chest. "Well, just make sure you don't let me leave until I'm able to truly live again…Spencer," she broke eye contact and started to stare out the window on the other side of her room.

Spencer watched the broken beauty in front of her slowly begin rocking herself while she looked out the window. She wanted nothing more than to hold her, and she didn't understand why.

_There has to be a reason I ended up with her and not the man I was supposed to be assigned to_. _ I just can't shake the feelings I get when I'm near her. I just want to take every bit of her pain away. If only she could remember…remember me…remember the fun times we had. Maybe someday she will remember, but until then, I have to force those memories to the back of mind. I have to help her remember who __**SHE**__ is, and help her get back to the life she deserves._

Not wanting to make Ashley uncomfortable, Spencer stood and slowly walked away from the bed to resume her place in the oversized chair on the other side of the room.

Ashley continued to stare out the window. _Why does it feel like I know this girl? It's like she sees me. The REAL me. Not the person I've become, but the person I once was. I wonder if…nah…that was so long ago._

Seeing the look on her face, Spencer couldn't help but ask, "Are you okay, Ash?"

_Ash? I haven't heard that name in so long…it feels good to hear it again._

Ashley nodded her head, but never relinquished her gaze on the world outside her four walls.

"Do you think I'll get through this, Do-, umm, Spencer?"

"I think that all depends on you Ashley. Do you want to get over this?"

Ashley had to think about that for a minute. Did she really **want** to get over her addictions? I mean, it's been such a force in her life, for so long now. Could she really survive being sober?

"Sometimes I want to say no. It just seems easier to live with it than to survive without it. The drugs, you know," Ashley responded.

Spencer nodded but remained quiet as Ashley's face twisted in thought.

Ashley slowly turned and looked at Spencer, holding eye contact while her tears burned for release from her eyes. "I just want to live again. To live, laugh, love, and not take it all for granted...but what if I already wasted my chance on all of those things, Spencer," Ashley sobbed, "What if I'm not given another chance, then what?"

Spencer moved toward Ashley again saying, "Your 'another chance' is now, Ash. You just have to want it bad enough to take it."

She moved a hand forward and wiped away some of the fallen tears with the pad of her thumb. Her hand cupped the side of Ashley's face as she wiped the wetness away, and Ashley allowed herself to lean into the warm touch for a brief second before pulling away.

"You shouldn't touch me, Spencer. You don't want the filth that I am to taint your skin, trust me," Ashley stated, through gritted teeth.

"I hope you know that's not true, Ash. You are not filthy, nor are you contagious, and it just so happens that I know a little bit about what you're feeling," Spencer said.

Ashley's brows furrowed and she looked at Spencer through narrowed eyes.

"Sure you do. I'm sure they taught you to say that in school, right?"

"Actually, no, they didn't teach us to say that," Spencer replied with a smirk, "but I, myself, have been sober now for 8 years, so I know what it's like to fight an addiction every day of your life," Spencer confessed.

Ashley's eyes grew wide as she stared in disbelief. Her mouth opened and closed, and opened and closed again…fighting for words.

Spencer just nodded her head, slowly, before responding, "I think we've spilled enough on the table for today, what do you think?"

Ashley watched as Spencer stood from the bed and attempted to gather her things from the chair where she was once seated. Her mind seemed to stop working as she stared at the person in front of her.

_How can she…I mean…there's no way she…an addict? She's too beautiful to have ever been broken._

Ashley kept blinking her eyes, watching Spencer prepare to leave.

"When will you come back," Ashley inquired, "You know, to see me…or just talk to me….or whatever it is you're going to do."

Spencer stood near the door with a soft smile on her face, "Ashley, I will be here so much in the near future that you're probably going to wish I would leave you alone."

Ashley smiled for the first time in what seemed like forever. "I can't imagine not wanting to talk to you, Spencer. You're supposed to be my sanity right now, remember?"

Spencer nodded her head and flashed an affirming smile the brunette's way before slowly turning and leaving Ashley's room.

Ashley found herself staring out the window at the livelihood appearing outside her four walls.

_I can't believe I'm smiling. I don't deserve to feel anything remotely good right now, especially something that would cause a smile…but Spencer just…she's just…so different than I expected my counselor to be. She's beautiful, yet she's flawed. Maybe she'll be able to help me through this after all. I just feel like I've known her for so long, like there's this connection. Could she really be that little girl from so many years ago? _


	5. Chapter 5

Day 4

"_Come on Spencer! I want a turn on the swings too, you know."_

_"You have to wait your turn Ash. I just got on here."_

"_Oh come on, Spence."_

"_No. Wait your turn!!"_

_THUMP_

_"Ouch, Ash," the blonde cried out as she felt the small rock graze her right cheek. "I'm telling."_

_"Baby."_

"_Meanie."_

Spencer ran her index finger over the small scar on her right cheek, close to her ear, as she smiled at her childhood memory. She never did tell her mother that Ashley threw that rock at her, cutting her cheek and leaving her with a little white reminder. She told her she fell on the slide. She couldn't bare the thought of getting her friend in trouble, no matter how much she thought she was being a "meanie" that day at the park.

The faint sound of knocking brought Spencer out of her daydream. One of the nurses peered into her office.

"Doctor Carlin, I'm sorry to bother you, but Ms. Davies has asked for you," the nurse stated.

Spencer smiled and nodded, "I'll be down shortly. Thanks Hannah."

The nurse grinned and nodded in understanding before retreating back to her station.

Spencer stood from her chair and shuffled through the folders on her desk, looking for Ashley's file. Finding it, she found herself running her fingers across the name on the top of the folder. Almost losing herself in her childhood memories again, she shook her head with a grin and forced the memories back for another time.

Ashley stood with her forehead pressed against the cool glass of her room's window. Her eyes were shut tightly as she focused on even breathing. She had been up most of the night with the shaking and chills. She found herself dry-heaving at 4am, not remembering the voyage to the bathroom. The cool glass on her face was calming her at the moment, helping her forget the pain she was feeling.

She placed her left hand on the glass, rolled her head to the right side, and watched as she left her handprint in the thin sheet of condensation that had formed. She couldn't help but grin at the memory that consumed her at that very moment…

"_GIRLS! I will not tell you again, please don't put your hands all over the windows. I don't wanna have to keep cleaning them after every time you two are in here."_

_Ashley looked at the blonde sitting next to her and pulled her hand over to place it right next to hers on the glass._

"_My hand is smaller than yours," Ashley said, "that means I'll be famouser than you."_

"_It doesn't mean that," the blonde replied, "it just means I'm gonna be bigger than you."_

"_Duh, but I'll still be famouser."  
_

Ashley's grin faded as she ran her hand down the window, leaving a finger trail behind. She was starting to feel tired, but she knew sleep wouldn't come easy, or last long. She removed herself from her place by the window and curled up on her bed. Lying on her side, facing the window, she brought her knees up to her chest and allowed the tears to heat her cheeks. Her eyes drooped shut just before the door to her room creaked open.

Entering Ashley's room, Spencer immediately saw the brunette curled up in the fetal position on her bed. She walked quietly to the side of the bed to check on her and could hear the girl's even breathing. She grinned and sat down in the chair at the end of the bed, pulling out Ashley's file. She began to read through her history, all the while jotting down notes to remember on her pad of paper.

_It's hard to believe the girl in front of me has lived through so much. I didn't even realize her dad had died…and she was only 15. Seems like that's when all her problems started, or at least around that time. She started smoking pot at 16, drinking during that time as well. Promiscuity from 17 until today, there's no telling how many men and/or women she's been with to this point. I wonder if she's been tested? I need to talk to her about that as well. She needs to lead a healthy lifestyle if she wants to stay sober, and making sure she's got a clean bill of health is a good place to start. _

_Where is her mom? Christine was always around when she was little. I wonder if Raife's death drove a wedge between them? Or was it the music industry in general?_

Spencer was so caught up in writing that she didn't realize Ashley had woken up and was sitting with her back against the wall just watching her write away. Ashley couldn't help but wonder what she was busily writing about…she knew it had to relate to her.

"Lots of interesting things in that file, huh?" Ashley said.

Spencer was so startled by Ashley's voice that she jerked and dropped her pen on the floor. Blushing profusely, she leaned over to pick it up, raising her eyes to meet the smirk on the face in front of her.

"You scared me to death," Spencer breathed out, "I thought you were still sleeping. I guess I just got carried away in my own thoughts," she blushed.

"It's okay. I know you have a lot of shrinking to do here, so you gotta do everything you can while the monster sleeps, right?"

Spencer shook her head in amusement, "I just wanted to jot down some notes for us to talk about next time we do so," Spencer replied.

"So how are you feeling, Ash?"

"Eh, I have definitely felt better. I think I'm going to market detox as a diet when I get out of here. I think I've lost 10 pounds already."

Spencer giggled, shaking her head. "How about we get you something to eat then? We don't need you withering away to nothing."

Ashley grimaced at the thought of food, but before she could decline the offer, Spencer was up and waving her toward the door.

"Come on, I could use a quick bite myself. Then maybe we can walk around the place for a bit so you can see what else lies beyond your four walls. I promise you that getting out of your room will help you feel less sick all the time. Besides, we are going to meet in my office today at 2pm for a session so you'll need to know where to go."

"A session?"

"Yes, a session…I want you to get out of this room as much as possible so you don't feel confined here. Instead of talking in here, we'll talk in my office. I meet with all my patients at least once a week. After the first couple nights of detox, we start having those meetings in my office. I promise it's comfortable, and if you decide you don't like it, we'll figure out something else."

"Do you have one of those nerf basketball hoops on the back of your door, Spence?" Ashley smirked.

Spencer couldn't contain her laughter, as she pulled Ashley toward the door.

"No nerf hoop on the door, Ash…but I do have one over my trash can. If you're good, I may let you shoot a few."

Spencer and Ashley soon found themselves standing just outside the dining area. It was a good sized room with long school-type cafeteria tables in the middle. There were smaller round tables along the sides of the dining hall.

They approached the food area and Spencer took notice that Ashley was starting to look a little pale.

"How about you grab a table and I'll get you something light to eat okay," Spencer offered.

Ashley just nodded and made her way to the closest table she saw. She sat down, immediately laying her head down on her crossed arms.

Spencer made her way over to the table with some peanut butter crackers, a sprite, and a small salad with chicken on it for Ashley, while indulging in a burger and coke, herself.

The girls sat in silence while Spencer ate and Ashley picked at her salad. She was able to eat a few bites of salad and chicken, and drink all of her sprite, but she put the peanut butter crackers in her hoodie pocket for later. She felt so nauseated just smelling the food in the dining hall.

After finishing up, the girls walked around the site for a short period of time before Ashley complained of her stomach hurting. Spencer, knowing the effects of detox, walked her back to her room, showing Ashley where her office was along the way.

"Why don't you lie down for a bit and just plan on meeting me at 2, in my office," Spencer said.

Ashley nodded her head, suddenly feeling the bile rise in her throat. She ran towards the bathroom emptying her stomach of what little nourishment she just had.

Spencer followed after Ashley, finding her slumped in front of the toilet in a cold sweat, she started slowly rubbing circles on the girl's back.

"Ash, I know this is hard, but you're going to get through this," Spencer soothed.

Ashley could feel her body jerking as sobs ripped through her.

"I just….I just w-wanna…g-go back to b-bed," Ashley cried.

Spencer helped her up and got her back into bed. She ran her hand down Ashley's arm while whispering to her, "Just sleep for now, Ash. We'll talk more later."

Ashley nodded her head and grabbed Spencer's hand as she turned to leave.

"I'll see you at 2, Spencer. I need you to help me see clearly again."

Spencer smiled and left Ashley to sleep. Finding herself getting lost in the clicking of her heels as she made her way back to her office to prepare for her afternoon sessions.


	6. Chapter 6

Session 1

Ashley straightened her room and ran a brush through her hair before heading out to meet Spencer for their first "formal" session. She looked at the clock, reading 1:50pm, before reaching for the door handle.

_Here goes nothing_, she thought.

Listening to the sound of her sneakers lightly squeak on the tile floor, Ashley found a soothing rhythm in her walk, quickly losing herself in her thoughts.

_I wonder what Kyla is doing? I wish I could call her…I mean…if it weren't for her, finding me and bringing me here, there is no telling what could have happened. I owe her so much more than the grief I give her. She is my only family; the only family that cares, at least. I have to make sure I remember to thank her. Maybe we'll go away for a long weekend when I get out of here. Go to Cabo or something, and just relax on the beach. I will never be able to fully repay her, I know that, but I want our relationship to be stronger; for us to be closer._

Arriving at the door to Spencer's office, Ashley paused momentarily, staring at the nameplate by the door. _Dr. Spencer Carlin, what a smooth name. It just rolls off the tongue, _Ashley grinned.

She reached up and rapped lightly on the door, slowly taking a step back to wait in silence. She ran her hand through her auburn curls and took a deep breath, only to have it catch in her throat as the doctor opened her door.

"Hey Ashley," Spencer said with a smile, "Come in and sit down."

Ashley entered the office and sat down, slowly exhaling the breath her lungs had previously been holding hostage. She shifted in the chair, searching for a comfortable position, while meeting the questioning gaze of the girl in front of her.

"These chairs are hard compared to the bed I've been sitting on for so long now," Ashley offered.

"Would you rather move over to the couch behind you?"

Ashley turned looking at the couch, before returning her gaze in front of her, "No thanks. I know I'm being shrinked and all, but let's not play into the whole 'Lie down on my couch and tell me about your hopes and dreams' cliché."

Spencer laughed, while noticing the grin pulling at the corners of Ashley's mouth.

"Besides, I want to stay in close range of that Nerf hoop on your trashcan over there," Ashley pointed just behind Spencer.

Spencer's grin grew wide and she sat in comfortable silence just listening to Ashley ease into comfortable conversation with her.

"I guess we can go one-on-one after we get the 'spilling-of-guts' out of the way, right?" Ashley inquired.

Spencer opened her desk drawer, pulling out the little orange foam ball that had been in there for at least a year now.

"How about this…we talk….and for every detail you offer up I'll let you take a shot. For every shot you make I'll let you, in turn, ask me a question about my life. This way it's both of us opening up in here and not just you stealing the spotlight," Spencer proposed.

"And what if I miss?"

"Well, then you'll just need to practice more in your off-time, or we will just be sitting and listening to you throughout our sessions."

Ashley rolled her eyes and chuckled softly. "Alright Spencer, you got a deal. So let's get to it…game on!"

"Why don't we start with your background, you know, just fill me in on your family situation. How does that sound?" Spencer asked.

"That's fine..." Ashley mused, while mumbling under her breath, "shouldn't take long."

Spencer grinned slightly having heard Ashley's mumbling.

"Well, I was pretty close with my dad when I was little," Ashley began. "He was a musician, so he traveled a lot, but I always got my time, you know…my one-on-one time with dear old dad."

Spencer nodded in acknowledgment, silently encouraging Ashley to continue.

"Mom was around 'til dad died, when I was 15. She just kinda disappeared after his funeral. I would see her once or twice a month, if I was lucky. Then Kyla came along…she's my half-sister. Apparently dear old dad was shacking up some woman he met on the east coast when he was on tour, and Kyla was the product of their affair. She's only a year and half younger than me."

"How did you deal with you dad's death," Spencer questioned.

"I don't know, like anyone else would deal I guess. I shut down a little, withdrew from the ones I loved…just escaped to try and process everything. I mean, I lost my dad, but I also lost my mom so it was like a double whammy. And then Kyla…wow. I mean, I wanted to just hate her, but she turned out to be the best thing to ever happen to me."

"Tell me about that. How was she the best to happen to you?"

"Well, she just wanted to know who my dad was and I just wanted to grieve. The process just went hand-in-hand. I talked about him, helping me get through it, and she got to learn about the dad she never knew and the dad I loved so much."

"How was the rest of your life during that time," Spencer asked.

Ashley furrowed her brows a bit and looked pointedly at Spencer, "What do you mean?"

"Well, your family was breaking down…you just lost someone so important to you. Did it affect school, friends, anything like that?"

Ashley laughed a little before shaking her head, obviously reflecting on that time in her life.

"Oh my life crumbled. School was my last priority. I just started going out, numbing myself by drinking and smoking pot. I didn't think it was a big deal either, at the time, but look where I am now," Ashley grinned, but looked lost. "I started sleeping around a lot too. I wanted to carry on my dad's legacy. That's how I rationalized what I was doing."

"When did you drop out of high school?"

"I left the day I got my inheritance money. I was 2 weeks shy of 18, and was a senior. I should have just stayed and finished, but I just couldn't be confined by those halls any longer. I felt claustrophobic there," Ashley stated.

"Why do you think you felt claustrophobic," Spencer asked.

"I dunno. I just did. I just felt like I was being held back by being there, like I could be doing much more outside of school," Ashley answered.

"So you left. And what did you do after school?"

"Well, Kyla and I bought a loft together in West Hollywood. She was still in school, but I started writing music and playing at little clubs downtown."

Spencer just sat with her hands folded in her lap, watching Ashley talk. She locked eyes with her and gave a bit of a frown.

"What?" Ashley asked.

"It's just…I hear everything you're telling me, but you're saying nothing about the drug use at all. That is the reason you're in here, you know," Spencer stated.

Ashley took that opportunity to toss the little orange ball she had been squeezing across the room and through the hoop.

Spencer, somewhat shocked, turned and looked at the ball sitting in the waste basket and then turned back around with a smile on her face.

"I guess it's time for you to talk," Ashley smirked.

"Okay, what do you want to know?"

"How long were you an addict?"

"Wow, you start off with the big ones, don't you," Spencer said, with eyebrows raised.

Taking in the smile on Ashley's face, she felt at peace to talk about her addiction.

"Well, I am still an addict, and always will be, I am just able to control the cravings and live a drug-free life now…BUT…I was taking pills, every day, for nearly 3 years."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you take pills? Like, what made you want to be numb?" Ashley pressed.

"Well, I was going through a very hard time in my life. I had just come out to my parents and my friends and the reaction I got wasn't altogether favorable. In fact, my once close relationship with my mother has never been the same," Spencer answered. "Sooo, I wanted to escape, and I did so by taking pills. I was numb, whenever I was awake, and I liked it."

Ashley sat with a look of sadness on her face, slowly nodding, understanding Spencer's need to feel numb.

She was taking in everything Spencer had said when she raised her eyes to meet Spencer's eyes again.

"So, you're gay?"

"Not so fast Ms. Davies, it's my turn again," Spencer laughed.

"Well give me the ball back then," Ashley smirked.

Handing the ball back to Ashley, Spencer pushed her again for information.

"So how often were you using during those years?"

"At first, only a couple times a week. Then it turned into every other day, then everyday," Ashley answered.

"And how many different sexual partners did you have during that time?"

Ashley scoffed, rolling her eyes, "I wish I knew, but I have no idea. It was a way to feel something, even though I was numb. So there were a lot."

"Men or women, or both?"

"It didn't matter to me really. At first, it was mostly guys, but then I started hooking up with girls and found I enjoyed the sex with women a lot more," Ashley said.

"Is that all it was to you," Spencer inquired, "just sex?"

"For the most part, yes, but then I met Hadley. She was the first girl to really get to me."

"Tell me about her."

"Well, we were both 21. We met at a bar and started talking and just hit it off. I took her home that night, with no intentions of seeing her again, but she was still there when I woke up the next morning…and she was there every morning after that for the next 2 years."

"Did you love her?"

"I did love her, but I didn't stop hooking up the entire time I was with her. I ultimately killed our relationship because I couldn't commit and give her all of me."

"Why do you think you couldn't commit?"

"I was too numb. I was partying, playing, writing, and just self-absorbed."

"What did Kyla think about all of that?"

"She hated it, but she got to the point that she left me alone about it. It was like I had two totally different lives; the one where I was totally numb, and then every now and then, the one where I was a sister and friend."

Before Spencer could respond, the little orange ball came whizzing past her again, and right through the hoop, accompanied by a smile from the brunette in front of her.

"So you're gay?" Ashley wasted no time asking.

Spencer looked down at her watch and then back up to Ashley.

"As much as I would love to keep this conversation going, it's been almost 2 hours. I have another session after this one," Spencer smirked.

Ashley shook her head just as there was a knock on the door.

A nurse popped her head in to tell Spencer her next patient was waiting in the commons room for her.

Spencer thanked her and got up from her seat only to re-position herself in front of Ashley, leaning back on her desk.

"I'm proud of you for opening up today, Ash."

Ashley grinned slightly before standing, only to find herself exceptionally close to the doctor in front of her.

She leaned in just a little, whispering a thank you in Spencer's ear.

Chills jumped off Spencer's skin and raced down her back as she realized how close Ashley was to her.

She slid to the side and stood up straight, removing herself from any chance at awkwardness, and being uncomfortable.

Ashley shot a genuine smile Spencer's way before moving around the chair to head for the door.

"Thanks for being my clarity, Spencer," Ashley shot back over her shoulder as she reached for the door handle and began to turn it to head back to her room.

Spencer smiled and nodded in reassurance.

Before Ashley made it down the hall she was turned around by a voice calling out to her.

"Oh, and Ashley," Spencer called out, "The answer to your question is yes."

Ashley grinned and laughed to herself, just nodding in the doctor's direction.

_Yeah, I know it is._


	7. Chapter 7

3:15 am - Day 5

The only light in Ashley's room was being provided by the moon gazing through her window.

Twisted in the sheets, Ashley was sweating profusely as she tossed and turned trying to shake the drug dreams that were haunting her sleep. Audible groans and whimpers could be heard outside her door as she fought for release from her nightmare.

"_Come on baby, it's just one more hit. You know you want to feel that rush again, don't you?"_

_Trying to squirm from the offending girl's grasp, Ashley found herself pushed up against the wall with a finger trailing down her chest._

"_Stop fighting this so much. It's who you are, baby. This is who WE are. Don't you remember how good the sex is when you're high? How every touch lights your skin on fire…and how good it feels when you start to tighten around my fing…"_

"_GET AWAY FROM ME, MACY!" Ashley screamed, placing both hands in the girl's chest to push her off. "That is the person you encouraged me…no, enabled me to be. I don't want to be that person anymore."_

"_Ash…"_

"_STOP! You don't call me that, ever."_

"_Ash…"_

"_LEAVE ME ALONE. JUST GO AWAY," Ashley screamed, with both hands grasping at the hair on the sides of her head._

"_Ash…"_

Spencer kept rocking the brunette's shoulder, ever so lightly, trying to get her to wake up.

"Ash, wake up. It's okay. You're okay," she repeated, over and over again.

Spencer turned to the nurse behind her for answers.

"How long has she been like this?"

"Since we called you, Doctor Carlin, so about an hour I guess," the nurse responded. "We were afraid she would end up hurting herself, with all the violent tossing and turning she's been experiencing. Do you want me to turn on the lights, Doctor, so you can see better, make sure she is okay?"

"No, I don't want the bright light to startle her out of her sleep. Just grab a cool wash cloth and let's get it on her head. She feels awfully warm and I don't want her temperature to continue going up," Spencer responded.

"_Stop telling me you know me. Stop acting like you care, Macy."_

"_You need me, Ashley. You need us," the girl pressured, wiggling the needle in front of the broken beauty._

"_I don't need anyone or anything…just please…leave me alone. Please."_

"_You're never going to forget, Ashley. We're a part of you forever."_

"_JUST GO!!"  
_

Ashley started thrashing around in her bed again, while Spencer tried to hold her as still as possible. Her hair was matted to her face, held by the sweat she was expelling at a rapid pace.

Spencer continued to run the cool, damp cloth over Ashley's forehead while the girl fought whatever demons were haunting her.

She started to calm down some and Spencer took the opportunity to try and wake her again.

"Ashley," she whispered, "we need you to wake up for us, okay?"

Ashley's brows furrowed and relaxed like she was trying to hear what Spencer was saying.

Spencer ran her hand through the troubled girl's hair trying to soothe her awake, while repeating her name, "Ash…"

Spencer found herself lost in her own thoughts as well.

_I wish things had been different in our lives. Maybe neither one of us would be where we are today…had things just been…different. She is so broken. It breaks my heart to see her like this. It hurts me to watch anyone go through what she's experiencing, but it's just so much more with her. _

Spencer leaned forward running a hand down Ashley's cheek, pressing her lips dangerously close to the sleeping girl's ear. "Come on baby, wake up for me," she whispered with her eyes fluttering closed.

The labored breathing Ashley was having ceased. Her breath caught and Spencer, having heard it, immediately sat up on the bed, withdrawing from the girl in front of her.

Ashley's body stilled and she slowly started to relax, exhale, and open her eyes.

Smiling down at her, Spencer reached out and removed an auburn curl from Ashley's eyes.

"Hey you. Sounds to me like you were having one heck of a nightmare," Spencer lamented.

There was a far away look in Ashley's eyes as she nodded yes, slowly trying to push herself up into a sitting position on the bed.

"No, no…don't try to sit up. Just relax for a few minutes," Spencer said, placing her hand on Ashley's forearm, coaxing her to lie back down.

Ashley relaxed a little and allowed herself to sink back into the bed.

"What time is it, Spencer?"

Spencer looked at her watch, "It's 10 til 4."

Spencer turned to the nurse behind her, smiled and nodded her head, and the nurse soon turned and exited the room.

"Do you want to talk about your dream, Ash?"

Ashley started to speak, but her voice caught in her throat as tears started to run down her face. She couldn't seem to put together a coherent sentence, even in her mind.

"I…I just…," Ashley sobbed out.

"Hey, hey," Spencer said, tilting Ashley's chin up to meet her gaze, "It's okay. We don't have to talk about any of this right now. Just know that this is normal. When the drugs are no longer dominating your system, you may start dreaming about them…being tempted, in a way."

Ashley nodded and looked away.

"It just felt so real. Like, I could have reached out and taken the needle from her hands right that second."

Spencer nodded in understanding, and Ashley continued.

"But it was so weird. I kept yelling at her to get away from me, and she kept just whispering my name. It was like she was right here calling out for me, yet her voice was different…it didn't even sound like her."

Spencer smiled, knowing it was probably her voice that Ashley heard as she was trying wake her.

Ashley laid her head over to the side and lazily looked up at Spencer. She reached up and moved a strand of blonde hair out of her doctor's magical eyes. She could feel her exhausted body attempting to slip back into a restful slumber.

"You know, Spence," Ashley started, "When the moonlight hits your face like this, you look all kinds of beautiful."

Spencer felt her stomach jump and tumble at Ashley's words and touch. She covered the brunette's hand with her own, as it lingered on her blushing cheek, slowly bringing it back down to the bed. She watched as Ashley began to drift back to sleep.

"You're all kinds of beautiful, all the time, Ash."

Knowing she was asleep, Spencer slipped off Ashley's bed, pulling the comforter up and around the girl's trembling body. She smiled a tortured smile as she ran a hand down the troubled girl's arm before turning and heading for the door.

As she turned the handle to leave, she glanced back one last time, as if to burn the image in her mind of the broken beauty that kept stealing her breath away.

Spencer, once again, found herself lost in her own thoughts, as the melody of squeaking sneakers played on the tiles under her feet.

_Oh, to love a lost soul, with a love so pure and unadulterated…yet you find yourself lost in your own sadness as that love can never be. _

_I can only hope to be found…yet feeling lost in sadness feels so good when there is love involved somehow. My heart aches for her…for her healing, for her remembering, for her requited love. _

_I need to get home and get some sleep. Tomorrow is another day._


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Thanks again, to all those that continue to follow my story. It means a lot. Out of respect to you, the reader, I just wanted to let you all know I'm headed to Los Angeles in the morning and won't be back until next week. It will be mid-week, next week, before I will be able to update. I just hope you can appreciate where I'm leaving off for now. No hanging-by-a-thread.  Take good care!

Disclaimer: never changes…I own nothing around these characters, but I did own a house 3 years ago…until I turned it for a profit.

Day 6

11:15am

Ashley is slow to wake, and is finding her body to be very weak. After spending the entire day in bed yesterday, and not eating anything, she feels like she is barely functioning.

She slowly pulls herself upright and swings her legs over one side of the bed, to sit up and contemplate making her way to the bathroom.

_I need some water. My throat feels like I've swallowed a gallon of sand._

Ashley slowly stood to make her way to the bathroom, carefully keeping one hand on her forehead in hopes of easing the present ache.

She splashed her face with water and gazed at the reflection staring back at her.

_God, Davies, you look like you've been hit by a bus. I have got to get out of this room today and spend some time in the sun. When did I get those circles under my eyes? Ugh, this rehab thing is taking its toll on me for sure._

Ashley filled her glass with water and shuffled back into her room, taking refuge in the oversize chair she had pulled over to the window.

She soon found herself basking in the warmth of the sun that shone through her window. Tilting her chin to get a little closer, she found herself content, for the first time in years. Not happy or ecstatic, just content…content with herself and the feeling the warm sun was giving her.

She reached down beside her, pulling out the pack of crackers she had stored a couple days prior, and sipped her water, while opening the first bit of nourishment she'd seen in almost 2 days. She started to think back to the years before her dad had passed away, a time she rarely allowed her mind to revisit, but seemed to long for right now.

"_Daddy!"_

"_Hey, Sweet Pea, how's my girl?"_

"_I missed you Daddy. When are you gonna come home to stay?"_

"_Awww, baby, you know Daddy has to be out making music…but he loves you bunches and thinks about you every single day!"_

"_I want you to meet my best friend though, Daddy! She's pretty, and funny, and pretty."_

"_Pretty two times, huh? She must be something else if my little Ashums thinks she's pretty times two."_

"_Ahh, Daddy, I'm only 8!"_

"_What's her name, baby?"_

"_It's…"_

Ashley was abruptly brought out of her thoughts with the door clicking shut behind her. Without even turning around, she knew it was her blonde angel from just over 24 hours ago.

"I'm eating some crackers and drinking my water, Doc, so you don't have to worry about me withering away," Ashley joked.

Spencer smiled at the thought that Ashley knew it was her entering the room without even turning around, and that smile grew knowing she was in a jovial mood.

"Well, I had to make sure you weren't still trying to sleep your life away. Especially on a gorgeous day like today," Spencer responded with a smile.

Ashley nodded her head, still looking out the window, "I was just thinking about getting out of here and experiencing some of that sunshine up close and personal," Ashley said, turning her body around in her chair so she could meet Spencer's gaze. "Would you care to join me, Dr. Carlin? Maybe take our session outdoors for a day?"

Spencer nodded, tilting her head in that signature Spencer-Carlin-way, "I think that sounds like a great idea Ms. Davies. Why don't you get ready and meet me in my office. We'll head out from there."

Ashley grinned, nodding in acknowledgment at Spencer's suggestion, "Perfect. I'll meet you in a few minutes, unless you want to hang out while I put my shoes on real quick and then we can just go together?"

"That's fine. I just need to stop in my office real quick and grab my jacket. While the sun feels great, it's a little windy today."

"Always looking out for your health first, Doc, that's admirable," Ashley smirked.

Spencer just grinned shaking her head, "Are you always this sarcastic?"

"Only when I'm awake," Ashley said.

"Well come on already, tie your shoes and let's go. We're wasting valuable daylight, Ms. Sarcasm."

Ashley laughed, standing from her chair after having tied her shoes. She moved toward the exit, where Spencer was standing with her back to the door, her left hand on the handle, ready to go.

Ashley leaned in around Spencer's right shoulder, reaching behind her. Hearing Spencer's breath catch, Ashley grinned and lingered at her ear for just a moment, "Just thought I would grab my jacket too, Spence," she breathed out to the side of Spencer's neck.

Spencer nodded her head and shifted a little towards the door, "Of course. T-that's good. Y-you need to be thinking about your health too," she stuttered.

Ashley grinned as she slid into her black Northface jacket.

"Well, I'm ready, Doc, let's get this show on the road."

Spencer loosened the death grip she then realized she had on the door handle and swung the door open, making her way out into the hall, with Ashley trailing right behind her.

_What is this broken beauty doing to me? I don't stutter…EVER. Get a grip, Carlin, she's still your patient!_

After stopping by Spencer's office for her to retrieve her jacket, the girls made their way out into the courtyard and into the sun. Finding a bench away from the building, they made themselves comfortable and slipped easily into conversation.

"…and then Kyla grabbed the guy by the goatee and started dragging him away from the bar," Ashley laughed as she proceeded to tell Spencer about her half-sister's crazy antics.

"It sounds to me like you and Kyla have a great relationship, Ash."

Ashley nodded, smiling, "Yeah, we really do. But it wasn't always that way. It took us a while to warm up to each other, but when we finally did, we just clicked. She's great," Ashley said, looking down at her hands, "She's the reason I'm alive."

Spencer watched as the look on Ashley's face changed to one of pain. She suddenly looked hollow.

"What are you thinking about," Spencer asked.

Never moving her eyes from the hands that captured her attention, Ashley responded in a near whisper, "I just wonder, sometimes, what my life would be like if I hadn't fallen so easily into the life I have now."

"It's easy to play the 'what-if's' game, Ashley, but don't lose sight of who you still are, deep down inside," Spencer said. Reaching over and covering her hand with her own, Spencer continued to encourage Ashley to open up. "Were you happy when you were a kid?"

Ashley studied the thin hand covering hers.

_The lines on her hand are perfect. I can feel how soft her skin is, even though her hand is barely resting on mine. I wonder if she would freak out if I turned my hand over to feel her palm?_

"Um, Ashley," Spencer questioned, "Helloooo, are you ok?"

Ashley looked up and met Spencer's eyes, "What? Sorry, I just zoned out for a second there."

Before Spencer could respond, Ashley turned her hand interlacing her fingers with Spencer's slowly dragging her thumb across her soft palm.

Spencer felt a flash of heat rush through her body at this simple touch, and found her eyes locked on the side of Ashley's face.

"My childhood, right," Ashley asked.

"What?"

"You asked about my childhood, right," Ashley questioned, meeting Spencer's gaze, but not relinquishing her hand.

Spencer could feel her heart beating through her chest. She slowly withdrew her hand, running it through her hair, knowing she needed to separate contact in order to focus on the conversation.

"Yeah, your childhood. Tell me about the little Ashley Davies," Spencer answered, trying to lighten the tension growing between them.

"I can't complain really. I mean, I came from a wealthy family, so I never wanted for anything."

"How were the relationships in your life, your friendships?"

"I loved my parents. My dad was my hero, and I loved every minute I got to spend with him, when he was home. He toured a lot, so I didn't really have a full-time dad."

"And your mom?"

"She was ok. I mean, she took me places, did things with me, whatever…but we were just never really that close, you know?"

Spencer nodded, "Did you enjoy school and the friendships you made there?"

"Yeah," Ashley responded, growing quiet, "I had a really great friend growing up, but just like my dad was taken from me, so was she."

"What happened with your friend, Ashley," Spencer pressed, hoping for an answer she could open up to herself.

"She moved away. We didn't speak once after she left, and it broke me. I mean, we were young, you know, but it was like we were soul mates or something. I thought about her everyday until my dad died."

"What made you stop thinking about her?"

Feeling the tears building in her eyes, Ashley started to look across the courtyard away from Spencer's line of sight.

"My dad was famous, you know?"

"Yeah."

"I know she and her family had to have heard about the accident when he died, but she never called. After all that time, I thought I would here from her at that moment, but the call never came."

Spencer didn't know what to say. She could feel the knot in her throat growing, but her throat was so dry she could barely whisper.

"What if she didn't know, Ash?"

"How could she not know, Spencer? Unless…I don't know…maybe my thoughts about her being a soul mate were all wrong. Maybe she was just a friend from back when, you know?"

Spencer fought every emotion building inside of her, begging for a release. She knew, in that moment, that she had failed her best friend. She could blame it on distance, being young, not knowing…but nevertheless, she had failed her soul mate, the girl she had loved since she was 8 years old.

Spencer felt a tear hit the back of her hand, realizing her eyes were betraying her, she quickly wiped at her cheeks.

"Spencer? Are you crying," Ashley asked with concern, "Why are you crying?"

"I guess I can just relate, you know? I know what it feels like to care so much and think the person you care so much about has just forgotten your existence," Spencer replied.

Ashley just nodded her head, turning her gaze back to the ground.

Taking a deep breath, Spencer jumped out on a proverbial limb:

"What was her name, Ashley?"

Ashley scoffed, "That's the funny thing, I can see her soul in her eyes, but it's like I've erased her name from memory," she shrugged. "I've been dreaming about our memories as of late though, and that's the first time in years I have seen her behind my eyelids."

Ashley raised her head and met Spencer's eyes again, searching in the depths of blue, finding solace in their warmth. 

"Do you think it's crazy for me to hold on to those memories, Spence?"

Lost in the whiskey eyes before her, Spencer just shook her head no, "I hope you never let go of those memories, Ash."


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Not sure if people are still reading, but I have to keep writing. LA was fabulous...thanks for the well-wishes for my trip. It was a total blast! Hated to come home, but...such is life. I'll go back in another month or so!!

Disclaimer: Still the same ol' boring stuff...I don't own SoN, or the characters...however I'm sad to see a groundbreaking show shut down for reasons unknown. Now's the time I wish I DID own SoN...we'd take this cutting edge show elsewhere, to continue touching the lives of young people everywhere:) "Do not go gentle into that good night," - Dylan Thomas

Day 10

10:10am

The memories of times past continue to haunt Ashley's dreams at night. A constant and steady time of sleep has become obsolete at this point in her recovery, and she has found it hard to think about anything else, other than the visitor in her sleep.

_Every time I close my eyes I see her face. Innocence, warmth, and love…it's like she holds the key to my recovery and healing, but I just can't figure out how or why. After all these years of pushing away any hurt or pain associated with that time in my life, all the memories have come flooding back. _

_Why?_

_Why does she overshadow my attempt at rest?__Her face, her tiny voice, her warm smile…ugh, that smile, and those eyes…they are so safe and familiar.__Maybe I need to embrace my thoughts right now, and figure out why I tend to be so focused on her and the role she had in my life. I mean, come on, it's been YEARS. Why now?_

Ashley stood up from her bed and headed to her closet. Grabbing her white robe and a towel, she walked toward the bathroom, deciding that a hot shower was just what she needed.

_It's beautiful out today, I'm gonna get out of this room and go sit in the courtyard for a little while. Maybe try to do some writing. I bet I can crank a song or two out while I'm stuck here. _

As she stepped into the shower, the warm water rushed over her body like a waterfall in the depths of the forest. She found herself leaning back into the spray, allowing her body to relax and succumb to the heat and moisture. Just as she placed her hands on the wall for support, she heard movement coming from her room.

"Hello?" the angelic voice called out.

Ashley smiled at the sound of the voice that came floating in from her room and infiltrated her shower.

"Hey Spence, I'm in the shower. Give me ten minutes," Ashley yelled.

The blonde smiled to herself at hearing how upbeat Ashley sounded.

"No worries, take your time. Why don't you just stop by and see me when you're ready," Spencer responded, "and maybe you should start showering with the bathroom door closed, so someone can't just walk in."

Ashley laughed, "Where's the fun in that, Spencer?"

Laughing to herself, Spencer shook her head in amusement at how comfortable Ashley was with her body.

"Riiiight. Well, just stop by when you're done."

"No problem, Spence. Now, you better go before I begin to think you're enjoying talking to me while I'm naked in this shower."

Spencer laughed loudly, causing Ashley to smile to herself.

"Anything to keep that head of yours inflated," Spencer retorted, while making her way over to the door and leaving Ashley to finish getting ready.

After hearing the door to her room shut, Ashley sighed and smiled to herself.

_That girl is going to be the death of me. If only we'd met before I became such a mess. Maybe, just maybe, she would have given me a chance to take her out. She's amazing._

Shaking the thoughts away, Ashley finished her shower and stepped out in her robe to find something to wear for the day. As she was searching through her closet, her thoughts, once again, took her back in time.

_"__Do you think I'm pretty, Ash?"_

_"I'm 10, I don't know."_

_"Well, if you were a boy, would you think I'm pretty?"_

_"I can be a girl and think you're pretty, too."_

_"Yeah, but you're silly."_

_"Whatever. You still love me."_

_"Yeah, I do, but don't tell anyone."_

_Smiling blue eyes infiltrated Ashley's mind…staring a hole almost right through her._

_"And yeah, you're pretty. Really pretty."  
_

Ashley smiled at the memory. She loved that girl when she was just a little girl herself, yet she allowed her hurt to drive so much of that love away. She never fully gave her heart to anyone, but _Pretty Blue _always did have it.

Finding solace, once again, in the squeak of her gym shoes, Ashley made her way down the hall to Spencer's office. Pausing outside, she took a deep breath and knocked.

"Come in," Spencer yelled from inside.

Ashley grabbed the handle and pushed the door open, allowing her body to follow the door inside.

"Hey there, what did you want to see me about," Ashley inquired.

"Hey Ash, I was hoping we could spend a few minutes catching up. I just want to see how you're feeling," Spencer offered.

Ashley gripped the back of the chair in front of her and leaned forward just slightly, exhaling as she looked straight ahead outside Spencer's window.

After a few minutes of silence, Spencer walked over to Ashley, placing a hand on her shoulder, "Ash, you okay?"

Smiling softly, Ashley nodded reassuringly.

"I'm doing alright, Spence. Actually, I've been writing a lot lately and was hoping to spend some time out in the courtyard today so I can finish some lyrics for the songs I've been writing."

"That's great, Ash. It sounds like you are finding the ways you cope best. That's important."Ashley smiled and stood up, slowly facing Spencer. She hadn't noticed how close Spencer had gotten to her until she turned around to face her. She locked eyes with the blonde doctor and was immediately lost in the ocean of blue.

Spencer glanced down at her feet then looked back up at Ashley, smiling shyly. A piece of hair found its way into her eyes, but before she could do anything, small, tan fingers took residence on her right cheek.

Ashley tucked the blonde hair behind Spencer's ear and fought the urge to allow her fingers to trace her jaw line.

_She is so beautiful. There's just something about her eyes that make me feel like…like I'm safe; like I'm home. _

Spencer took her bottom lip between her teeth, relishing in the feeling of Ashley being so close to her for that quiet moment. Closing her eyes, she took a small step backwards and cleared her throat.

"Well, you should go ahead and head out while it's still so nice out. We can finish talking in the morning. I think you are set to come in around 10am for a session," Spencer stated.

Ashley frowned, brows furrowing, "Are you okay, Spence? Did I upset you or something?"

"No, not at all, Ashley. I just know you have things you want to do, and..um..we can just talk more later."

Ashley twisted her fingers together, while staring intently at her shoes.

"Do you want to come with me, Spence? You know, keep the tortured writer company?"

Ashley looked up at Spencer, hoping she would see agreement in the eyes she felt so comfortable staring into, but what she found was something totally different. She saw a questioning look, a look of confusion, almost. She knew she would be spending her afternoon alone before Spencer could even answer.

"Um, you know what, never mind. It looks like you have a lot on your mind right now. We'll just talk tomorrow, ok?"

Spencer couldn't seem to find her voice. She was struggling with the feelings that kept resurfacing whenever Ashley was around, and their close proximity just heightened those feelings…causing her to lose all control over her voice and body language.

By the time she regained her composure, Ashley was making her way to the door.

"Wait, Ashley."

The brunette paused, hand on the door knob, but never turned around.

"I'm sorry. I just mentally checked out for a minute there. I have a lot I need to do today, but I would love a rain-check, if that's okay?"

Ashley grinned to herself before glancing over her shoulder and shooting her charming smile Spencer's way, "I would like that, Spencer."

Spencer smiled and nodded, "Great. Well, get to your day. I will see you in the morning, Ms. Davies."

"I look forward to it, Dr. Carlin," Ashley replied, grinning and winking as she walked out into the hallway, heading for the courtyard.

Spencer turned and walked over to her window, crossing her arms and leaning her right shoulder against the glass.

_"Hey blondie, you wanna come over and meet my famous dad after school today?"_

_"Cool. Are you sure?"_

_"Duh. You're my bestest and he's my dad. You totally have to meet him."_

_"I'm your bestest?"_

_"Well, yeah. __You know that already!"_

_The little blonde girl found her body pressed into her friend in the tightest of hugs. Her heart swelling, but not knowing why._

_"I love you, blondie. It's me and you."_

_"Forever?"_

_"Forever."  
_

Spencer wiped the tears away that had found their way down her cheeks and stepped back away from her window.

_I need to talk to Ashley about her "friend." I want to see what she remembers, but what if she makes the connection and isn't happy? Maybe I should re-assign her to Mitch, that way the tension between her and I is taken away. Ugh, I don't know what to do. You gotta remember, Ash. We can get through all of this together, if you can just remember.  
_


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: For those of you that reviewed, thanks. It means a lot. Sounds like you all are ready for the remembering…and you just might be in luck here. I didn't want to push things too quickly with this story…this is addiction recovery, and doesn't it seem like drugs and alcohol might not be the only addiction here? Hmmm….. **

**Disclaimer: Yeah, still don't own a single thing related to SoN, or the characters involved with the show. That's all T.L.**

Ashley sat herself down in the middle of one of the round tables in the courtyard; right in the middle of the table, with her iPod, notebook, and pen sitting right in front of her. She folded her legs into a pretzel and practiced some deep breathing exercises as she enjoyed the sun shining on her face. From afar, she looked like a little kid preparing to color a masterpiece, the way she was sitting with things strewn in front of her.

It was a little cool outside, but totally manageable with the warmth from the sun. The way the sky looked, the sunshine wouldn't be sticking around for the duration, as clouds were rolling in from off in the distance. Even still, Ashley knew she had a good hour or so of warmth and relaxation, away from her room.

Exhaling and allowing her shoulders to slump forward a bit, Ashley rolled her head from side-to-side and reached for her trusty ear buds, turning on the music that would allow her to escape any outside noise for a little while. Scrolling through her songs, she stopped on something quiet and soft, _Home_, by Michael Buble.

_How perfect,_ she thought, _I would love to go home. This is just what I need to relax and focus on my writing. Seems like writing is the only time when my mind isn't running in fifty million directions these days…when I'm able to focus on something other than the drugs my body craves, or the memories of a past I've tried so hard to forget. _

Ashley put pen to paper and started allowing all of her thoughts to pour out onto the blank pages in front of her.

Spencer was seated at her desk, thumbing through the files of the patients currently under her care. She knew she had so much to focus on right now, and she refused to allow her personal feelings to hinder anyone's recovery. That wouldn't be professional, or fair, and Spencer was the epitome of both adjectives.

Scribbling in a file, Spencer paused to push her glasses up on the bridge of her nose before they slid off her face completely. She shifted in her seat and then went back to the notes from her last session with Mr. Clarke, adding all her observations and suggestions for future treatment.

Before too long, Spencer found that she had completed the notes in the 8 files in front of her, and was ready to head out for a late lunch. Looking at the clock, she noticed time had flown by, as it was now 1:15pm.

Turning in her chair to look outside, Spencer noticed the sky had grown rather dark, and little drops of rain were starting to splatter against her window. She sighed to herself, wishing for the sun to reappear, but rose from her chair to survey the grounds before heading to lunch. What she saw elicited a warm grin: Ashley was sitting in the middle of one of the tables, nodding her head, and tapping a pen on the notebook in front of her. Spencer couldn't help but allow her smile to grow

Ashley was so lost in her own world that she didn't notice the rain until her notebook was dotted with wetness. She closed her book and slid it in her backpack, while taking out her hooded sweatshirt. Pulling the sweatshirt over her head, she felt the cool drops crashing against her face. Smiling, she allowed herself to get wet, relishing in the feeling her entire body received from the little drops from heaven.

She pulled the hood up over her head, but leaned back on her hands to stretch out and enjoy the cool rain for a few minutes longer.

As soon as she closed her eyes, her mind began drifting, causing the increased rain to go unnoticed.

"_Look at the sky, Ash, it's all black."_

"_It looks neat, huh? I bet it's gonna rain real hard."_

"_Maybe we should start walking back to your house, before we get stuck out here."_

"_Okay, I'll race ya," and with that, Ash was half way across the park and headed home._

"_WAIT UP, ASH!!"_

_The skies opened up and the rain started falling in sheets. The little brunette stopped running and turned to her friend…but found no one. She started to worry._

_Running back in the direction she came, she found her friend sitting in the mud, cradling her knee._

"_You're bleeding…oh my gosh, what happened?"_

"_I couldn't catch you, and I fell down, and then you were gone," the little blonde said between sniffs._

_She helped her friend up and took her hand in her own._

"_Come on, Spence, let's get you back to my house."_

Ashley's smile quickly faded as a clap of thunder shook her from her thoughts. Sitting on the table, drenched, she suddenly couldn't move.

Panic started to set in as Ashley shook her head, looking all around, searching for answers.

_Spence? No…no, no, no. There's no way, but…her eyes…that smile._

Ashley's hand flew up, covering her mouth, as tears began to mix with rain.

_Oh. My. God._

Spencer watched Ashley sitting, enjoying the light rain drops, but noticed she was completely lost in her own thoughts.

The rain picked up and began to come down at a heavier pace, but Ashley never moved. She appeared lost almost, and Spencer began to worry.

_She's not even budging. Why is she still sitting out there in the pouring rain? What's got her mind so pre-occupied?_

Spencer continued to watch Ashley as she started to sit up on the table. She was shaking her head and looking all around, like she was confused.

Spencer was fidgeting with her hands, picking at her nails as she watched the scene in front of her unfold. She couldn't help the concern she was feeling at that moment, and wanted to run to her and make sure she was ok.

_What if…what if she…what if she's remembering?_

Before Spencer could move, she saw Ashley's hand go to her mouth and her head turn around at an alarming speed. Her eyes locked with Ashley's through her office window.

_Oh. My. God. She remembers…_

Spencer tore herself away from Ashley's gaze and ran down the hallway, heading for the closest set of stairs, and the closest exit to the courtyard.

Taking the stairs two at a time, Spencer rounded the corner in a hurry, heading outside into the pouring rain.

Just as she passed through the doors outside, she stopped instantly.

Ashley stood in front of her with her hands up imploring Spencer to stop. Her cheeks stained with mascara, and her body trembling from the cold rain, Ashley fought to find her voice.

"It's you."

Spencer nodded slowly, allowing her own tears to heat a trail down her cheeks.

"How…I mean…why…" Ashley sat back down on the bench, fighting to gather her thoughts.

"You knew it was me, all along, and you never said a word. How could you, Spencer? Knowing about my dreams and everything…how could you?"

"Ash…"

"NO! Don't you dare," Ashley yelled back, holding an index finger up to Spencer, "Don't you dare call me that right now!"

"I'm so sorry, Ashley. I needed you to do this on your own. I didn't want my being here to affect your recovery."

"MY RECOVERY? Are you serious, Spencer? You are part of my problem."

Spencer's head dropped, feeling as though she had been hit in the stomach with a bat. She knew it was going to be a struggle to break through Ashley's walls.

"Why? Just answer me that. Why did you disappear without a trace? Even when my dad died, I got NOTHING. Why?"

"I didn't know about your dad, Ash. I would have come back, but I didn't know."

Ashley scoffed, "Right. He was famous, Spenc_er_, how could you not know?"

Spencer took a tentative step forward, rain dripping off her face, "I don't know Ashley, but please believe me when I tell you that I had NO idea. I mean, I know so much time had already gone by. I would have been there, but I didn't know. You have to believe me."

Ashley locked eyes with Spencer and felt her defenses slowly falling.

"I needed you, Spence. MY GOD, I needed you so much," Ashley sobbed.

"I know. I'm so sorry, Ashley. I'm so…so sorry."

Spencer moved forward, placing one hand on the side of Ashley's face, while the other grasped one of the hands on her legs…slowly pulling her up from the bench.

"We need to get you inside, Ash. You are soaked to the bone," Spencer said.

"I loved you, do you know that? I was 10 years old when you left, and I never loved anyone the way I loved you," Ashley confessed.

Spencer ran her hand down the side of Ashley's face, slowly tracing her jawline.

"I loved you too, Ashley. More than you know."

Spencer reached across Ashley and grabbed her bag, never relinquishing the hold she had on her other hand, and slung the bag over her shoulder.

She pulled Ashley towards her as she started to back up toward the building, "Let's go inside, huh? Get you some dry clothes, and we'll talk more after that, if you still want to."

Ashley exhaled the breath she hadn't known she was holding hostage and slowly made her way inside, never letting go of Spencer's hand.

As they made their way towards her room, Ashley slowed her pace and withdrew her hand from Spencer, immediately despising the cold that took over.

"I need some time, Spencer. I need some time to wrap my mind around this. Maybe…maybe I should talk with someone else from now on."

Spencer frowned, but nodded her head.

"Whatever you want, Ashley. Your being here is about you, and…nothing else," her voice choked out those last two words.

"Okay…but…will you come by later…just to…talk to me?"

Spencer felt a grin pulling at the corners of her mouth, "I would love that," she said.

"Okay," Ashley said, moving toward the door to her room.

"Wait," Spencer called after her, moving forward with Ashley's bag in her hands, "This belongs to you."

Ashley took the bag, shuddering at the warmth of Spencer's touch as the handed it over to her. After all these years, the feelings were still there.

"Thanks. Um…I'll see you later?"

Spencer nodded and turned to head back to her office, getting lost in the squeaking sound of her shoes on the tile beneath her feet, but allowing a grin to occupy her face.

_I'll see you later, Ash._


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Thanks again, for all of the reviews. I appreciate any and all feedback. Not sure how this chapter flows…but here it is.**

**Disclaimer: Do I need to say it again? I mean, really…I. Do. Not. Own. Anything. SoN. We clear? Perfect.**

_I cannot believe I didn't pick up on this? I should have known those eyes the moment I lost myself in them. I should have known that smile the moment it sent warmth straight to my heart. GOD, I'm so fucking stupid. _

"It's the drugs," Ashley laughed to herself.

"I'll blame it on the drugs," she nodded emphatically, before laughing again, "I'll blame my talking to myself on the drugs, too."

Sliding back on her bed, leaning against the wall, Ashley crossed her arms over her chest and allowed her mind to replay every moment of her discovery.

She couldn't help but smile, replaying the look on Spencer's face when she met her eyes through her office window. She shook her head, her grin slowly spreading from ear to ear.

_She knew. In that instant, she knew I remembered. God, it's crazy how connected we have remained…but that doesn't ease the ache in my heart from when she walked away all those years ago…and NEVER looked back. How could she? I mean, I was tortured by her memory every day of my life, for 5 years, until I pushed it away. _

_  
When dad died, I didn't have a choice in remembering anymore. As much as I needed her…when she never came or called, I knew she was no more…that __**we**__ were no more. I had to face my grief alone…except I found a new best friend. _

"Addiction…what a bitch," Ashley scoffed.

_Addiction. Man, I've been addicted to something bigger than any drug or drink for years. Her. She's been my addiction…__**the**__ addiction. I've pushed her to the recesses of my mind, in hopes that it would just go away. _

_  
GOD! Everything always comes back to her doesn't it? Why? _

Ashley jumped off the bed and headed over to the desk to retrieve the notebook from her bag.

"If I'm going to figure this out, I have to clear my head. I have to clear my heart," Ashley mumbled as she dug through her bag, looking for her favorite pen.

"Where is my fucking pen," Ashley seethed through gritted teeth.

_Aha…gotcha, you sneaky little bastard. You thought you could hide didn't you?!_

Ashley turned on her heel and headed back to the bed, stopping mid-stride to change direction.

"I have to stay off that bed! I'm on that thing way too much," Ashley laughed, as she made her way around the bed and headed for the chair she had positioned near the window.

The rain had slowed to a mere shower and the sun was trying to push through the puffy clouds that seemed to hang overhead with purpose.

Ashley stood by the window for a minute, admiring how quickly the clouds were moving overhead…almost running from the sun that threatened to chase them away.

She smiled, letting her eyes trail down from the sky to the courtyard. Her grin slowly faded at the sight before her.

"Spencer," Ashley whispered to no one.

_Look at her. God, she's just…everything. She looks so lost right now, but I can't help it. I can't just move forward like no time has passed. As much as I would like to do that, I just can't. Not until I work through these feelings I'm having right now. It's just like, everything pulls me back to her. _

"My gravity," Ashley smiled.

Ashley backed away from the window and sat down in her oversized chair, quickly putting pen to paper.

Words came to mind with ease, and quickly made their way on to the blank paper in front of her, as she allowed herself to release all of her thoughts and feelings…her grin becoming a permanent fixture.

OUTSIDE IN THE COURTYARD 

_I'm walking such a fine line of professionalism right now, and that is so not like me._

_Damnit, Spencer, you have to put first things first right now…Ashley needs to work on her recovery._

_Maybe I should re-assign her altogether, just in case seeing me hinders her program. I don't want to be a weight on her shoulders, but GOD, now that she knows…I just want to hug her and hear about everything she's been through over the years, but she's not in a place for that right now. _

Spencer continued walking through the courtyard as the rain slowed to a near stop and the sun threatened the clouds overhead.

Finding a swing that was under shelter, Spencer sat down and attempted to gather her thoughts about the day thus far.

Audibly sighing, Spencer pushed back with her feet, starting the swing in its natural back-and-forth rhythm.

_There is a reason she's here at this facility, and not some of the other ones in the area. I have to take that as a sign that we were supposed to meet again. _

_I know so much time has gone by, but I have never felt as close to her as I do right now._

_  
We have both been through so much, and some of it very similar, and we weren't even in each other's lives at the time. That's gotta mean something, right?_

"Why can't this be easy," Spencer asked her self aloud.

Swinging back in forth in steady time, Spencer gripped the chains that suspended her current seat.

_Could I really love this girl, after all these years? I mean, come on…we were just kids…and…we are totally different people now, right? I mean, we hardly know each other anymore, yet, I can't shake the tumbling stomach every time I'm near her._

"I can't love her…right?" Spencer asked her self.

Spencer came to an abrupt stop on the swing and looked down at her feet, sighing.

"Wrong," Spencer whispered aloud.

Spencer got up from the swing and started back toward the building. Glancing down at her watch, she noticed it was nearing 4pm.

_I'll swing by the commons area and then stop in and see if Ashley is okay. Maybe she'll want to chat._

Spencer made her way up the stairs and headed down the hall towards the commons area. She noticed that most people were already gone to the cafeteria or were in their rooms.

She smiled and waved at a few people in the halls as she continued her journey.

Light piano music filled Spencer's ears as she rounded the corner leading to the commons.

Spencer's breath hitched as she noticed Ashley sitting behind the piano. Her back was to Spencer, so she never saw her enter the room.

Ashley had her head tilted to one side as she was starting to play the melody of a song Spencer had never heard.

Spencer stopped in her tracks and leaned against the wall next to her, arms folded across her chest, just listening to the melody of the keys.

Ashley started to softly sing, but her voice was loud enough that Spencer focused on her every word.

"_Something always brings me back to you._

_It never takes too long._

_No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone._

_You hold me without touch._

_You keep me without chains._

_I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain._

_Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity._

_Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be._

_But you're on to me and all over me._

_You loved me 'cause I'm fragile._

_When I thought that I was strong._

_But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone._

_Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity._

_Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be._

_But you're on to me and all over me._

_I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground._

_But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you._

_The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me…down._

_You're keeping me down….yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…._

_You're on to me, on to me, and all over…_

_Something always brings me back to you._

_It never takes too long."_

Ashley exhaled and slowly allowed her fingers to slide from the ivory keys. She turned her body around on the piano bench, her eyes meeting blue orbs almost immediately.

Spencer took a few tentative steps forward, wiping at the tears that had found their way down her cheeks.

"That was beautiful, Ash," Spencer whispered.

Ashley slowly stood from her seat, never breaking eye contact with the girl in front of her.

Spencer stopped right in front of Ashley, searching her eyes for any sign that it would be okay for her to reach out to her.

"It's you… you know…my gravity," Ashley explained. "It always comes back to you. It always has."

Spencer shyly smiled, and reached her hands forward, grasping Ashley's shoulders and pulling her towards her body.

She could instantly feel the warmth of their bodies fitting so snuggly together.

Ashley wrapped her arms around Spencer's waist, taking comfort in the warmth of the girl she had missed for so long.

Running a hand over the back of Ashley's head, Spencer spoke through sniffles, "I have missed you so much, Ash. I never stopped thinking about you, or missing you, or…"

"Or what, Spencer," Ashley asked, slowly putting Spencer at arm's length.

"Loving you," Spencer said through fresh tears. "I never stopped loving you."

Ashley leaned forward, her nose brushing the side of Spencer's face. She could feel the dampness from the blonde's tears, and the warmth of her cheek.

Slowly inhaling, she memorized the smell of raspberries that filled her senses. She ran her hand up Spencer's arm and then into her hair, bringing her impossibly closer to her.

"I never stopped loving you, Spence," Ashley whispered in her ear.

Shivering from the warm breath on her ear, Spencer felt her stomach flip-flop and her knees go weak. She pulled back, just slightly, staring into the whiskey eyes that captivate her every thought.

Both girls heightened breathing was noticeable to the other.

"Where do we go from here, Ash?"

Running her thumb across the blonde's cheek, Ashley just smirked.

"If I didn't know any better, I would suggest my room," Ashley suggested.

Spencer giggled before lightly shoving the brunette in front of her.

"Not a good idea, Ms. Sarcasm, but how about we get some dinner? We can discuss everything and figure out what to do about your sessions."

"My sessions? What about them," Ashley inquired.

"Well, I just figured…maybe it's a good idea you start talking with someone else as well…you know…that whole, conflict of interest thing," Spencer threw out the hand quotation marks for the end of her statement.

"What if I don't want anyone else? Are you trying to get rid of me already?"

"Not at all, I just want to make sure your recovery remains the number one priority, and we'll figure out the rest."

"You are my recovery, Spence. The rest is just details."

Spencer smiled and nodded in understanding.

"Well, let's just grab a bite and we'll set up a time to talk tomorrow, okay?"

Ashley nodded in agreement and grabbed the blonde's hand, pulling her toward the cafeteria.

"Well, let's go then. We eat. Then we talk. I have a lot of questions that really need answers Spence," Ashley said. "I'm still not sure how I feel about all of this."

"I know, Ashley, I know," Spencer responded.

_At least you know your heart…that's what matters most._

song lyrics courtesy of Sarah Bareilles – "Gravity"


	12. Chapter 12

Ashley pushed her chair back and stood up from the table her and Spencer had been occupying.

"Spence, I'm done here…let's go talk," Ashley nearly commanded, but followed her statement with the faintest of grins.

"Yes ma'am, drill sergeant," Spencer laughed, jumping to her feet and shuffling out the cafeteria doors at a rapid pace.

Shocked at how quickly Spencer moved, Ashley had to jog a bit to catch up with her. Laughing the entire way at how funny the situation must have looked to those around them.

"Hey you, slow down a bit, we don't have to be anywhere in the next thirty seconds," Ashley teased.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Spencer replied, "You appeared ready to go, so I figured, let's go."

Laughing, Ashley lightly bumped Spencer's hip, throwing her off her walk and tripping her up a little. 

"Have a nice trip, Spence," Ashley laughed loudly, reaching a hand out to help steady Spencer.

Rolling her eyes, Spencer swatted Ashley's hand away and kept walking down the hallway.

"Is it okay if we go to my room? I would just feel more comfortable in there," Ashley questioned.

"Absolutely, Ash, I want you to be comfortable…so if that's where you are most comfortable, then that's where we will go."

Ashley smiled and continued on down the hall, stealing side-ways glances at Spencer walking next to her.

_It's so funny how things have just solidified between us the last few days. It was a surprise knowing everything that I now know, but I know I feel good being around her. There is just that nagging voice in the back of my head that I can't get rid of, telling me to take a step back. I don't trust her. I want to, but I just can't right now. I still feel like I don't even really KNOW her. So much time has gone by…I just hope she understands that, while I'm enjoying being around her, there is still so much more I need to know._

Spencer noticed how quiet Ashley had become on their walk back to her room and grew somewhat concerned.

Reaching out, placing a hand on Ashley's forearm, Spencer questioned if Ashley was feeling okay. 

"You've been really quiet this entire walk back from dinner, Ash, are you okay? Would you rather lie down and we can chat tomorrow?"

Ashley looked down at Spencer's hand and Spencer moved it off of her arm. Ashley looked up at Spencer smiling.

"I'm fine Spence, just lost in thought, you know. It's been a crazy day, and I'm having terrible cravings, and my world just got flipped upside-down. I'm just feeling a little scrambled right now."

"I can imagine. First thing we need to do is get you your meds for this evening. That will help some with the cravings."

Ashley sighed, shaking her head, "I hate taking that stuff. It makes me so sleepy."

"I know it does, but we'll chat for a bit, then you can take it and sleep the night away. It will probably do you some good."

"I guess," Ashley lamented.

The girls stopped by the nurse's area and got Ashley's medication and then headed back to her room.

Pushing through her door, Ashley headed for the chair near her window and turned it around to face the rest of the room.

"Here, Spence, you can sit here," Ashley offered.

Spencer smiled and took a spot in the chair, criss-crossing her legs underneath her as she sat down.

Ashley shuffled around the room, nervously putting clothes and shoes away in her closet, before settling down on the bed.

"You're nervous," Spencer stated very matter-of-factly.

Ashley looked up into Spencer's eyes and nodded her head, "Yeah, I am. It's just, you're here…and I'm so happy…" Ashley trailed off at the end.

"But…"

"But, I am just still so hurt, Spence," Ashley admitted.

Spencer nodded her head in understanding, sighing a little.

"I just don't want you to think one way or the other here, Spence. I have enjoyed being around you, and you have helped me so much so far, but there's that part of me that just hurts."

"I know, Ashley. I don't expect everything to just be fine, but I want you to be able to talk to me about things as well."

"Can you just tell me why, Spencer," Ashley asked with pleading eyes. "Why did you never look for me?"

Spencer looked down at her hands, fidgeting with her fingers, "It's not a cut and dry answer, Ash."

"Well can you give me something," Ashley spat out, a little more venom in her words than she truly intended.

Spencer's head jerked up at the tone in Ashley's voice, meeting the chocolate brown eyes that were staring at her with such intensity.

Sighing, Spencer rose from her chair and began pacing the floor in front of Ashley's window.

"When my family moved away, I lost my best friend, my first love, my soul mate," Spencer confessed. "It was hard to start a new school, make new friends, do new things…and I struggled for a long time, eventually losing myself."

Ashley just watched Spencer as she began to pour her heart out.

"High school wasn't the best time either. I started coming to terms with liking girls and it took me a while to finally come out to my family. Mom was not happy about my confession at all," Spencer stopped pacing for a moment, looking outside with a hint of sorrow. Sighing, she continued:

"I had a girlfriend for a while, but kept her hidden from my family, out of fear of my mother taking her away…like she took you away," Spencer said, looking at Ashley. "I thought about you every day Ash. The pain got to be so much at home that I started looking for a way to numb myself."

"Is that how you became addicted," Ashley asked.

Spencer just nodded her head.

"I started taking sleeping pills in the evening to sleep through my mother's inquisition, and taking pain killers during the day to remain numb to the feelings she provoked during daylight hours," Spencer confessed.

Ashley looked on, saddened by the harsh reality that was Spencer's life.

"Where was Arthur?"

"Oh dad was there, and great, as he always has been," Spencer answered, smiling ever so slightly, "but there was only so much he could do, you know? They had no idea I was using until…" Spencer stopped again, looking out the window.

Ashley saw the sadness in Spencer's eyes and found herself up off the bed and moving to Spencer's side. Reaching her hand out, she lightly rubbed Spencer's back, comforting her.

"Until what, Spencer?"

Spencer could feel the lump in her throat growing as it felt like she had swallowed a gallon of sand. Trying to find her voice, she turned around, facing Ashley. 

"I took too many pills one day and didn't wake up when my dad came in to get me for dinner," Spencer quietly confessed. "I woke up in the hospital, confused and angry, and wanting nothing more than to go back to sleep and not wake up."

Ashley ran her hands up and down Spencer's arms, "But you are awake now, Spence, and doing so much for yourself…and for people like me."

"It has been a long road though, and it's still a struggle at times, but I'm so thankful for my dad and his support," Spencer smiled. "I went into rehab after I was released from the hospital and have been working to remain clean since then."

Spencer's eyes were still looking down as Ashley took a step closer to her, eliminating almost all the distance between them.

Pulling her into her arms, Ashley hugged Spencer, allowing her the chance to cry silently. 

"It's okay now," Ashley whispered into Spencer's ear, "We're both going to be okay now."

Feeling Ashley's warm breath and lips near her ear sent Spencer's stomach tumbling. She felt her eyes close and her knees buckle slightly, before Ashley tightened her grip around her mid-section.

Pulling back some and looking up into brown eyes, Spencer reached a hand out to brush a few stray hairs from Ashley's face.

_God, you are so beautiful, Ash. _

Keeping her eyes on blue, Ashley reached out a hand to caress Spencer's cheek. She wiped away a few tears with the pad of her thumb, before allowing her thumb to trace a pattern down Spencer's cheek and across her jaw line, her eyes following every trail her thumb took.

Losing herself in Ashley's touch, Spencer leaned forward, resting her forehead against Ashley's. 

Ashley could feel her breaths increasing and her heart started to beat like it was trying to escape from her chest. 

She leaned in to Spencer, feeling their breath begin to mingle, and knowing her lips were a mere inch away. 

"Spencer, I want to kiss you so bad," Ashley breathed out.

"And I want you to…so bad…but we can't."

Ashley nodded, silently, slowly pulling back from Spencer.

"I'm so sorry, Ash."

"Don't be, I understand," Ashley stated as she backed away completely, turning to sit back on her bed.

Spencer watched as Ashley placed a hand to her forehead, rubbing lightly, slowly shaking her head.

"Maybe it would be a good idea for me to start talking with someone else, Spence, just to make things easier."

Spencer bowed her head, fighting the impending tears, but just nodded in understanding.

"Whatever you want, Ash."

Looking up into a sea of blue, Ashley sighed, knowing this was going to be a long road for the two of them.

She reached over to the side of her bed and scooped up her meds, before washing them down with the bottled water she had resting there as well.

"Thanks, Spence. Just promise me you will still be here as well. I need you; I just need to …just…get a grip right now."

Spencer sat down next to Ashley, covering the brunette's hand with her own.

"I promise," Spencer whispered.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Thanks again for reading and reviewing. Means a lot...seriously. I know the pace is slow and steady, but trust...it's going to be picking up soon...suggestions are always welcome!**

**Disclaimer: Yeah, still don't own a damn thing related to SoN, just the ideas within this story...so don't steal 'em. That would be rude. :)**

4 days had passed since Ashley's conversation with Spencer. Ashley was meeting with another counselor now, and hadn't spoken with Spencer since they talked.

Ashley kept glancing at her watch, continually bouncing her legs, as she sat in her oversized chair, just staring at the door to her room.

_I gotta get out of this room. Spencer is obviously busy or doesn't want to talk with me. It's stupid for me to sit around and sulk. I mean, come on, she left once before without looking back, what's stopping her from doing so again? Besides, I need to focus on me right now._

Ashley jumped up from her chair and headed to the closet in the corner of her room.

"Where are my running shoes…come out, come out, wherever you are," Ashley sang out loud, while digging through her closet.

"A-HA! Gotcha," she snapped out, finding her shoes, "Now I just need the armband for my iPod and I'm out the door."

While rummaging through the backpack on her bed, Ashley heard a quiet knock at her door.

"It's open," she yelled out to her visitor.

The door slowly pushed open, but Ashley never brought her eyes up from her bag, continuing her search for the missing armband.

A familiar scent met Ashley's senses and she paused what she was doing to slowly look up at her visitor.

"Kyla?!" Ashley screamed, a wide smile already in place.

Jumping up from her bed and running to the door, Ashley pulled her sister in for a strong hug.

"Ash…air…" Kyla squeaked out.

Easing her squeeze, Ashley held the smaller girl at arm's length while her smile continued to beam and shine.

"What are you doing here, Ky?"

"Well, it's good to see you too, hooker."

The girls laughed at one another before taking a seat on Ashley's bed.

"You know what I mean, KY. I just wasn't expecting you at all, and then, here you are," Ashley sighed. "Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be happier to see you."

Kyla smiled at her sister, taking in her appearance, all the while nodding in silent approval.

"I wanted to see how you were doing, Ash," Kyla responded, "And you look great from where I'm sitting."

Ashley grinned and nodded.

"I'm getting there, sis. One moment at a time, you know?"

"Yeah, I know, but I am proud of you for sticking with this Ash. Really proud."

Ashley's smile started slowly fading as she fought the tears that were already starting to burn in her eyes.

Looking up at her sister, Ashley sighed and took a deep breath.

"Ky, I'm so sorry for letting things get so out of hand," Ashley began.

Kyla reached over to take Ashley's hand and was starting to shake her head in protest of Ashley's coming confessions, but was quickly cut off by Ashley's insistent nods.

"Please, Ky, I need to tell you this," she pleaded.

Kyla nodded and Ashley started to continue.

"I have been so lost for so long now, and I was ready to just give up on life, Ky. If you hadn't brought me here, insisting that I get help, God only knows where I would be right now, or if I would still even…be," Ashley's voice wavered on that last word.

"I'm just so sorry, and so grateful, and so….so happy, to be getting things figured out," Ashley confessed. "Thank you so much, for everything."

Kyla reached over, pulling Ashley into a hug, rubbing her hand up and down her sister's back.

"It's okay, Ash. You are doing the damn thing now, and that's all that matters," Kyla smiled big at her statement.

"So what are you up to today? You looked like you were digging around in that bag for lost gold when I came in," Kyla laughed.

Chuckling out loud, Ashley playfully nudged her sister's shoulder before answering her.

"I was about to go for a run, actually, but I can wait for a bit now," Ashley said, "How about we go for a walk down to the beach though?"

"That sounds perfect," Kyla agreed, getting up and heading for the door she knew led to the outside world.

Kyla was out the door and ready to go as Ashley scrambled to stomp her right foot down into her already-tied tennis shoe, eyeing Kyla as she hurried out the door.

Ashley and Kyla spent most of the afternoon sitting on the beach, just talking about Ashley's progress, and what's been going on outside of her treatment.

Looking down at her watch, Ashley sighed and started to stand from the sand.

"We should probably head back, Ky. It's already 4:30 and I'm sure you have things to get back to," Ashley said.

"How about I stay for dinner and then head back after that?"

Ashley's face lit up as she pulled her sister in for yet another hug.

"That would be awesome, Ky!"

Walking back through the quad, Kyla noticed Ashley's body stiffen when a blonde woman in a white coat passed near them.

"Who is that, Ashley?"

"What? Who?" Ashley responded.

Kyla rolled her eyes and pushed her sister, "You know exactly who. That blonde walking over there," Kyla pointed in the direction of the woman in question.

Ashley looked down at her shoes and just shook her head, "That, Kyla, is a blast from my past."

Kyla stood observing the demeanor of the blonde that had Ashley so nervous. She appeared so caring, reaching out and touching the arm of the man that she was speaking with. Kyla couldn't help but smile at the way her sister kept looking over at the doctor and then back down at her feet. It was then that she recognized the doctor as the same woman that was present when Ashley first checked-in for treatment.

"Well blast from the past, or fresh face of the future, you obviously have some kind of connection with that woman, Ash."

Ashley just watched Spencer comfort another patient, and couldn't help but smile at the way she was so focused on the gentleman with her.

"Yeah, I guess I do have a connection Ky, it's just a matter of figuring out how in-depth that tie will be."

"What's her name, Ash," Kyla asked.

Ashley sighed, grabbing her sister's hand, pulling her toward the building in front of them.

"Spencer," Ashley sighed, looking away from her sister.

Kyla paused for a moment, taking in her sister's body language, until it dawned on her who the woman really was.

"Holy shit, Ash! THE Spencer?" Kyla was practically yelling.

"Yes, Ky, THE Spencer," Ashley quieted her sister, continuing to pull her toward the doors.

"I had no idea when we came here, I swear," Kyla confessed.

Hearing the heightened voices behind her, Spencer glanced in Ashley's direction, but made eye-contact with Kyla instead.

Smiling, Spencer shyly waved at Kyla, getting a big grin in return, while noticing Ashley pulling her sister forward, causing the younger girl to whip her head around and stumble just a bit.

Just like that, the girls were gone from Spencer's sight, and into the building.

Looking down at her feet, Spencer internally scolded herself for avoiding Ashley's room these last few days.

Shaking the thoughts from her head, Spencer continued her previous conversation with the patient she was with currently.

"Jesus, Ash, you're gonna rip my arm out of socket. Lay off a bit," Kyla hissed, jerking her arm out of her sister's grasp as they entered the building.

"Sorry, Ky. I just didn't want to…look, nevermind."

"Oh no you don't little missy. What the hell is going on with you and Miss Blast-from-the-Past?"

Ashley frowned, shaking her head, "It's just hard right now. She's here. I'm here. But WE aren't here…together. I'm just trying to figure it all out, that's all Ky."

"Alright, I'm not pushing this thing right now," Kyla said, pointing a finger at Ashley, "But you…YOU don't shut her out. She might be just what you need, Ash."

Ashley nodded her head, knowing her sister was probably more right about that then she would ever care to admit.

"Can we just get something to eat now? I'm freakin' starving," Ashley pleaded.

Kyla noticed that Spencer had re-entered the building and was approaching them as Ashley stood with her back toward the doors, not noticing her re-entry.

"Actually, Ash, I think I'm going to head home instead," Kyla said, locking eyes with Spencer as she stood silently behind Ashley, "But I'm sure Spencer here would love to eat with you."

Ashley's eyes got big as she turned around to find the doctor standing right behind her.

"Hey Ash," Spencer smiled.

Ashley said nothing, just turned glaring at her sister.

Smiling big, Kyla pulled Ashley in for a hug, whispering in her ear: "Give it a chance, Ash."

Pulling back, Kyla patted Ashley's shoulders and smiled big, "I'm out, sis. I will see you in a couple days."

"Good to see you again Doctor Carlin. You two have a nice dinner," Kyla said, then turned on her heel and disappeared.

Ashley turned around, facing Spencer, but continued to look at everything but blue.

"You don't really have to eat with me, Spencer. Kyla was just…"

Spencer cut Ashley off before she could finish, "I would love to have dinner with you Ash. We need to talk anyway."

Ashley nodded, looking up into blue eyes, "Yeah, I guess we probably should, but it's been 4 days and wasn't important during that time, so we don't have to if you would rather not."

"Ashley, don't."

"No, it's really okay Spencer."

"Ashley, please…I want to talk, okay?"

Ashley chewed on the inside of her lower lip and simply nodded her head.

"Give me 20 minutes, okay? I need to stop by my office and make a couple of quick phones calls. How about I stop by your room when I'm done and we can go from there, is that okay?"

"Yeah, that's fine," Ashley agreed.

"See you in a bit, Ash."

"Yeah, see ya in a bit," Ashley responded, with little emotion.


	14. Chapter 14

Ashley shuffled back to her room, staring at her feet the entire way there. She couldn't help but wonder if she was making the smartest decision by staying at Memories. She knew her recovery was her number one priority, but having Spencer on the brain all day long was making her question her current commitment to treatment.

Pushing through the door to her room, Ashley flopped down in her favorite chair and stared out the window.

Sighing loudly, she reached over and picked up her favorite guitar. It was the one thing she made sure she brought with her to Memories, and it was the one consistent in her life.

_It's always been me and you, hasn't it? Through good times and bad, you are always there waiting for me to lean on you. Thank God for music, and thank God my dad thought enough of me to leave you in my care when he passed. _

"I wish the ol' bastard was still here," Ashley mumbled to herself.

She slowly started strumming her prized possession and quickly found herself lost in the melodies of sound.

Before she realized it, she was strumming the notes of an old song she grew up listening to her dad cover; a song that always brought her peace.

Her voice quietly filled the room.

"_Just yesterday morning they let me know you were gone  
Susanne the plans they made put an end to you.  
I walked out this morning, and I wrote down this song…  
I just can't remember who to send it to._

_I've seen fire and I've seen rain.  
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end._

_I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,_

_But I always thought that I'd see you again_."

Ashley grinned to herself as the words came out with so little effort.

"_Won't you look down upon me, Jesus _

_You've got to help me make a stand._

_You've just got to see me through another day._

_My body's aching and my time is at hand._

_And I won't make it any other way."_

Getting lost in the meaning the lyrics held for her life, Ashley didn't hear the door to her room open.

Spencer stepped inside, closing the door quietly. She leaned back against the door with arms crossed over her chest as she took in the sight of the girl in front of her.

_So beautiful,_ she thought.

"_Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain._

_I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end._

_I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,_

_But I always thought that I'd see you again._"

Ashley's voice started to trail as she sang that last line, letting her fingers slow their movement across the guitar strings.

"I wouldn't have pegged you for a James Taylor fan," Spencer grinned and said as she watched Ashley.

Taken by surprise, Ashley jumped a little, and spun around in her chair to face the doctor.

"There's a lot you don't know about me," Ashley replied, standing from her seat and placing her guitar where she once sat.

She moved across the room toward Spencer, never taking her eyes away from the floor.

"I know there's a lot I don't know, Ashley, but I'm hoping we can catch up on some of that," Spencer sighed, watching Ashley close the distance between them.

Ashley stood right in front of Spencer and raised her eyes to meet the sea of blue that continued to melt her heart.

She reached past Spencer, leaning into her slightly, to grasp the door handle.

Feeling Ashley so close, Spencer's heart began to beat out of her chest, and she allowed her eyes to close on their own accord, concentrating on her breathing.

"Maybe later, Spencer. Right now, I just want to grab a bite to eat," Ashley said, while pulling the door in towards them both.

Spencer slid to the side to allow Ashley to leave the room, but stood firmly in place.

Standing in the hall, Ashley realized she was alone, and turned around to urge Spencer to follow her.

Leaning in the door, she prompted, "Come on Spence, I really want to beat the crowd."

Looking up at the doctor, Ashley noticed the tears silently falling down her cheeks. Her heart dropped almost immediately.

Moving forward toward the broken blonde, Ashley stopped right in front of her, lifting Spencer's chin to meet her eyes.

"Spencer…why are you crying," Ashley asked.

Spencer shook her head, moving away from Ashley, instantly putting some distance between them.

"I know you are mad at me, and I know you want answers, and I know there's a lot I don't know but….well, it's just…," Spencer struggled with her words.

"It's just what?"

"That song," Spencer paused, looking Ashley in the eyes, "I remember your dad used to play it all the time. All the memories just came flooding back to me and for a minute…it just….just seemed," Spencer stopped as Ashley finished her sentence.

"…seemed like everything was okay," Ashley questioned.

Spencer nodded her head in affirmation.

"I know what you mean," Ashley responded. "I felt the same way."

Ashley turned and made her way over to sit down on her bed. Her legs were firmly on the ground, elbows on her knees, and head resting in her hands.

Spencer walked over and kneeled down in front of the brunette, hands resting on the sides of her legs.

"Can we get this back, Ash?"

Ashley shrugged slightly, before meeting the cloudy blue eyes boring a hole right through her.

"I don't know Spencer. I just…I don't know. I mean…I hope."

"I'm crossing so many lines right now, Ashley. I'm putting myself on the line, and my job on the line, and everything stable I have built for myself on the line. I lost you once, and nearly died missing you. I don't want to do that again. I…"

Ashley looked intently at Spencer, feeling her stomach flip-flop at the words Spencer was pleading with her to hear.

"Tell me Spencer."

"I love you. I always have."

Ashley chewed the inside of her lip as she tried to stop those 3 words from replaying over and over again in her head.

"Spencer…I..."

"You what, Ash?"

"I…" Ashley fumbled over her words as she quickly stood, pulling Spencer to a standing position with her. "I am **really** hungry."

Spencer took a step back, looking dumbfounded by Ashley's words.

Ashley's eyes were pleading with Spencer to pause their intense conversation.

A smile slowly crept across Spencer's face and she just started to nod.

"Oh thank God," Ashley exhaled, casting her head down.

Spencer took a step closer to Ashley and pulled her in close to her body. Just wanting to feel the girl near her, knowing they would finish their conversation later because Ashley couldn't concentrate on anything when she was hungry.

Ashley held tightly to Spencer's frame and leaned in close to her ear.

"And, I love you too, Spence," She breathed out, following her confession with the softest of kisses to Spencer's ear.

Feeling her body shiver from the feeling of Ashley's lips on her skin, Spencer allowed herself to relish in the moment, instead of pulling away.

With the shyest of smiles, she nodded into Ashley's shoulder before grabbing her hand and pulling her towards the door.

"Why is it, that every single time we start to talk about things, we're either going to eat, or coming back from eating," Spencer asked, while pulling Ashley out into the hallway.

"I'm a growing girl," Ashley said, "I need to eat a lot."

Spencer laughed and shook her head at the brunette's smartass comment.

As they walked past Spencer's office, she grabbed Ashley's hand and pulled her through the door to her office before Ashley even knew what was happening.

"Jeez Spencer, what's with the assault," Ashley asked.

Spencer just turned Ashley around into her office where she could see a table was set up with 2 chairs.

There were sandwiches, fruits, dips, and bottles of Dr. Pepper on the table set up by the window.

Ashley turned to look at Spencer, her brows furrowed in confusion by what she was seeing.

"I told you I needed to make a few phone calls, and I did. I just had some food brought up here and thought we would eat in my office. You know, so we could talk in privacy while we feed you."

Ashley couldn't help but smile at the gesture Spencer was making. She knew Spencer was sorry for everything that had happened in the past, and this was such a compliment to an apology.

Stepping closer to Spencer, Ashley grabbed both of the blonde's hands pulling her towards her.

Standing mere inches from one another, Ashley reached up and placed her hands on Spencer's cheeks, admiring just how beautiful she really was, and allowing her thumbs to run back and forth across the blonde's flawless skin.

Feeling her walls slowly starting to recede, Ashley leaned in close to Spencer, her eyes bouncing back and forth from blue eyes to beautiful lips.

"So, can I kiss you now, or do I need to wait until after dinner," Ashley asked.

Spencer smiled and closed the distance between them, brushing Ashley's lips with hers.

"Now is good," Spencer replied against Ashley's lips.

Ashley pressed her lips against the warmth of Spencer's and let her hands slide down and take up residence on the sides of the blonde's neck.

She took Spencer's lower lip between her teeth, pulling back slightly before running her tongue across the area she bit.

The feeling of Ashley's warm tongue on her bottom lip made Spencer's knees go weak.

Moaning into the kiss, Spencer reluctantly pulled away from Ashley.

Ashley looked at her with concern, "Are you okay? I'm sorry, Spencer, I-I didn't mean to…to push this, or…"

"No, no, no, Ash, I am **totally** fine. I just, need to step back a little, you know?"

Ashley nodded in understanding.

"Not from you, just from, this," Spencer waved her hand between them. "We have so much to talk about, and if I allow myself to keep kissing you, we'll get no dinner, and no conversation."

Ashley laughed, feeling relieved that Spencer didn't regret letting her kiss her.

"I understand, completely," Ash stated. "Let's eat, huh? We can figure all of…," she mimicked Spencer's waving between them, "...this…out later."

Spencer smiled and nodded, placing a chaste kiss on Ashley's lips before pulling her toward the table.

song is "Fire and Rain," by James Taylor


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Once again, big thanks to those of you that take the time to read my story…and even more to those that have taken time to review. It means a lot and I truly appreciate it! **

**Disclaimer: Don't own anything but the idea of the story…and my motorcycle, I do own that! **

Ashley sat and stared at the sandwich in front of her, almost waiting for it to do something. She was momentarily dazed by the setting, and was having a hard time processing everything that was happening, and so quickly.

Spencer noticed the far-away look on Ashley's face and reached out over the table to take her hand in her own.

"Ash, look at me…"

Ashley looked up into blue eyes and grinned a little.

"This is all a lot to take in right now, and I know that. Please step back if you need to, or talk if you need to, but don't shut down amidst all that is happening. I want you to remain focused on your recovery, okay?"

Ashley audibly sighed and turned her hand over in Spencer's, running her thumb across the top of her friend's porcelain hand.

"I just feel like there is so much happening at once, and if I'm honest, I would say that it's making me crave what I ought not want," Ashley revealed.

"I know, Ash. When things get hard or confusing in our lives, it's easy to turn back to the habits that numb us," Spencer replied. "Trust me, I know that all too well," she quietly added.

"Spencer, will you tell me more about you right now? I just want to focus on something else for the moment."

Spencer offered a soft smile to the girl in front of her and merely nodded.

Pulling her hand back and placing it in her lap, Spencer took a deep breath before talking about her life.

"Well, I graduated college in 3 years and went straight back for my Master's degree for the following 2 years. All work and no play made Spencer a dull girl, that was for sure, but I was so focused on school," Spencer explained.

"I had a serious girlfriend for a couple years, but that ended about 9 months ago," Spencer went on.

"What happened with your girlfriend?"

"Well, she….umm…she just kinda moved away," Spencer started. "Her job was taking her elsewhere and I guess I didn't fit in that picture with her," she explained. "Guess it was kinda Karma, you know?"

"Why do you think it was Karma? Karma that she left?"

Spencer nodded, "Well, yeah, seeing as I moved away from you like you didn't have a fit in my life."

"Oh come on Spencer, you can't even compare those two. We were way younger, and didn't really have a choice like now."

"I know, I know…I just…I don't know, I guess I felt like I was being paid back or something."

Ashley looked at the strawberry she held between her fingers before placing back on her plate, "Spencer, you know that's not true. If this chick left for some reason unknown, she needed to figure her shit out anyway."

Spencer laughed quietly, "Yeah, maybe. Doesn't make it hurt any less though, you know?"

Ashley nodded her head in silent agreement; because she did know it wouldn't hurt any less…she knew first-hand.

"Tell me about her…" Ashley whispered out after a few minutes had passed.

Spencer looked up from her half-eaten sandwich and was met with inquisitive eyes.

"Umm…Ash," Spencer started before being cut off.

"No, really, please tell me. I just…I just want to know about her," Ashley replied

Spencer sighed, looking out the window of her office, trying to gather her thoughts to talk about the only other girl she's loved.

"Her name was Emma," Spencer started, "She and I met during my last year of Graduate School. She was complete her Master's in Journalism and I was in the Psychology program."

Spencer stopped briefly, a small smile taking up residence across her lips. Ashley stared at her, wondering if she really wanted her to continue telling her about this girl she so obviously loved.

"We met at a little coffee shop close to campus, where I was studying for a test. She needed a place to study, and I was at a table for 4, so she asked if she could share the table with me," Spencer reflected.

"Was she cute?"

"Yeah. Yeah, she was really beautiful…beautifully simple," Spencer stated.

"It sounds like you really loved her," Ashley bashfully admitted.

"I did, but she didn't believe in me enough, you know? We had ups and downs, just like any relationship, but I would have thought she would have included me in her future plans without just leaving without giving me a choice in the matter," Spencer stated.

"Did you ever tell her about me?"

Spencer turned to face Ashley, gently smiling at her before taking her hand and pulling her up and away from the table.

"Let's sit over here on the couch, it's more comfortable," Spencer explained, after seeing how Ashley looked confused at her sudden change of pace.

"Umm…okay," Ashley said, "Are you just trying to avoid my question?"

Spencer tilted her head and smiled at Ashley before reaching out to tuck an out-of-control brunette curl behind her friend's ear.

"I'm not avoiding at all, just wanted to be close to you while we talk about this. Is that okay," Spencer asked.

"Yeah, of course. I just…I don't know…I don't want to you feel like you HAVE to tell me this stuff, you know?"

Spencer nodded in understanding, but continued on with her confession.

"I told Emma about you around the 3rd month that she and I were together," Spencer began, "I had mentioned you many times in the prior months, and one night she just told me to spill all of the details."

"I bet you told her how shitty I was, huh?"

Spencer laughed, "No, not really. I kind of told her that you were my first love and I had had a really hard time letting go of those feelings. Except, I think she and I both knew that I hadn't really let go."

Ashley sat back on the couch, tucking her legs under her, getting comfortable while listening to Spencer talk.

"Looking back now, I can see that it probably bothered her to know that I still had a piece of my life and heart reserved for someone else," Spencer admitted.

"Why do you think you held on all those years," Ashley inquired.

Spencer pursed her lips and shook her head, "Letting go just wasn't an option."

Ashley nodded, knowing that feeling all too well.

"I know what you mean. I had a volatile relationship with Macy, and even though I loved her, there was always a part of me the still wished for you," Ashley said, looking down at her fingers that lay intertwined on her lap.

"I guess the love I had for her, coupled with the anger I still had about you leaving, gave me an excuse to numb myself, you know?"

Spencer nodded, encouraging Ashley to continue.

"But your addiction…Spence, your addiction doesn't seem to be based on that kind of thing. What happened with you?"

Spencer sighed, shifting a little uncomfortably in her seat, which didn't go unnoticed by Ashley.

Running her hand across her forehead, Spencer tried to gather her thoughts to talk about the one person in her life that always made living so difficult.

Noticing Spencer's inner turmoil over this topic, Ashley reached over taking Spencer's hand in her own lightly tracing little circles on the top of her hand.

"Spencer, it's okay if you would rather not talk about this. It's obvious that it is a hard topic for you."

"Yeah it is hard, but that's part of recovery…you face those hard times and remember to talk about them even after you are able enjoy sobriety. Otherwise, you'll end up right back where you were to begin with."

Ashley smiled and shook her head, "When did you get so smart, Carlin?"

"Oh, it's all book smarts…don't kid yourself, Ash," Spencer laughed in return.

"So tell me about Paula Carlin, Spence. What did she do when you came out?"

Spencer scoffed, "You know my mom, Ash: devout Catholic, member of the PTA, adulterer…but all-around-goody-goody."

Ashley couldn't help but giggle at Spencer's aloof response, until it sunk in that she said adulterer.

"Wait a minute; she cheated on your dad?"

Spencer nodded her head, her eyebrows raised and mouth pinched in a thin line.

"Wow. I never would have pegged her for a cheater."

"Yeah, me either…but she was. She and dad divorced my freshman year of college because of her infidelity."

Ashley just sat stunned.

"You know what's so ironic about the whole thing, is that that she crucified me when I came out. Telling me I was filthy and was going to hell for my sins…yet she was cheating on my dad. What a hypocrite, you know?"

"I'm really sorry Spencer," Ashley offered.

"No, don't be. I just…I hate that she took me away from you, treated me the way she did, but led a totally different life away from us. It just hurt. I never felt good enough, or smart enough, or worthy enough after she damned me for coming out."

"How was she about Emma?"

"She was sweet as pie when others were around that accepted us, but if we were alone, she was preaching to us both about our sinful lifestyle," Spencer said. "It got to the point that we stopped seeing her at all. We would have dinner with dad every week, but never saw my mother anymore."

"What about now? Do you still talk with Paula?"

Spencer could feel the tears starting to burn her eyes, but tried so hard not to let them fall.

Ashley could see the hurt in Spencer's eyes and shifted her body over closer to Spencer, pulling her in to a hug.

"I'm sorry Spence. I can only imagine how much this hurts you," Ashley soothed.

Spencer clung tightly to Ashley's shoulders as she let the sobs run their course through her body. Her sniffles started to slow down some and she pulled back just a little bit.

"I'm sorry, I just miss having a mom, you know? A mom that loved me for me, which apparently, mine doesn't do," Spencer choked out between her sniffles.

Ashley wiped the tears away that managed to wind their way down Spencer's cheeks.

"Spence, you are a beautiful, intelligent, successful, beautiful woman…you should be proud of that…and know that your dad is too," Ashley offered.

Spencer laughed.

"What's so funny?"

"You said I was beautiful."

"Well? You **are** beautiful."

"You said it twice."

Ashley grinned to herself, "Well, you are twice as beautiful as anyone realizes then, Spence."

Spencer pushed Ashley's shoulder, grinning, but couldn't take her eyes of the girl in front of her.

Ashley leaned forward, pulling Spencer towards her by one of her hands.

"I'm gonna kiss you again Spence, so if you don't want me to, you need to pull back now."

Spencer smiled at Ashley, closing the distance between them, allowing their lips to meet once again.

Feeling the warmth of Ashley's lips on hers made Spencer moan immediately at the contact.

She pulled Ashley closer to her, running her tongue lightly across the brunette's bottom lip, being granted immediate access.

The feel of Ashley's tongue against hers was amazing. So soft, so warm, so delicate. Their tongues melted together as one, no issue of dominance in which to deal.

Ashley pulled back slightly, moving her kisses across Spencer's jaw line, as her blonde beauty tilted her head granting her better access.

Ashley hovered near Spencer's ear, kissing her lobe before whispering a soft I love you, hearing Spencer's breath hitch almost instantly.

Spencer couldn't control her hands any longer, as they stroked down Ashley's back, while Ashley continued to kiss and suck on her neck.

She could feel Ashley's skin under her fingertips and felt electricity soar through her body at the warm contact. She allowed her fingertips to run up underneath the brunette's shirt on her lower back.

Needing to feel her lips again, Spencer pulled back, guiding Ashley to her lips once more. Sighing into the kiss as it became languid, and soft.

Needing to breathe, both girls pulled back slightly, resting their foreheads against the other.

Ashley's hands rested on the sides of Spencer's face, while Spencer's rested on the Ashley's lower back.

Spencer felt reality starting to set in again and reached up to her face, covering Ashley's hands with her own, before removing them and holding them in her lap.

"Ashley…"

"I know, Spence. I know. You still work here, and I'm still a patient. This is a no-no…regardless of how right it feels."

Spencer smiled, hoping Ashley truly understood.

"You know that I want you, Ash. So much. I just…WE just need to slow down a bit, focus on you, and figure out where we are going to go from here."

"Just promise me you're not going to leave me again, Spencer."

Spencer leaned in, placing a soft, lingering kiss on Ashley's lips.

"I'm not going anywhere baby, at least not when it comes to you. Now work, that may be a different story," Spencer sighed.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Thanks to those of you that are reading...I hope you are finding a little pleasure lurking, reading, and/or reviewing. All three mean the world to me! I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter, so your thoughts are appreciated...as always.**

**Disclaimer: Still own nothing SoN, but the idea...that's my brain child...I do still own my motorcycle though, and will likely own a different one in the next few weeks! Ahh, summer! **

Ashley's POV

Ashley's thoughts are italicized.

_Does that clock really say 7:10am? You have GOT to be kidding me…I mean, seriously. Who gets shrinked at 7:30 in the morning? _

Sigh

"I guess **I** get shrinked before noon now."

_Alright, fast shower…_

_Check_

_Hair up in a messy, yet stylish, pony tail…_

_Check_

_Shoes, clothes, backpack with notebook…_

_Check_

"Alright, here we go, Ash…we're off to see the…hmm…nothing really fits."

"SHRINKZARD!" giggles

"I'm off to see the shrinkzard…the wonderful shrinkzard of OZ…"

_Okay, why do all of these docs have the same stupid brown door, with nothing on it? No peephole to see who's creeping outside, no fancy knocker to spruce it up…just a door… with a nameplate off to the side. I wouldn't have a door like this…it's too…normal._

Laughs

"And we know I'm nowhere NEAR normal…"

knock knock knock

"Come on in."

"Hey Dr. Dean…how goes it?"

"Ashley, come on in and have a seat. I'm happy to see you."

"Well thanks Double D," giggles "It's always good to be seen."

_He's laughing…maybe this session will be quick and then I can get outdoors and relax in the sand for bit._

"I wasn't sure you'd be up for such an early appointment, but you seem to be all jokes and smiles this morning."

"I haven't cracked a joke yet, Doc. I was serious, I do like being seen."

_I can't help but laugh at that one though. I really don't like being seen, and in the music world, I have no other choice. So, I go with the flow, and pretend to enjoy being seen._

_Hey, at least he's still smiling at me…even if he is giving me the ol' you-are-a-wacko-and-a-handful headshake._

"So what's on the agenda for today Dr. Dean? A little dive into the unknown? Ooo, or how about a teleport to my future?"

"Actually Ashley, I was hoping to talk with you about the here and now."

_What?_

"Umm…okay, Doc. I'm here…right now…so let's talk."

_Atta girl Davies, flash him the 1000 watt smile of innocence._

"Well, you have done really well over the past 4 weeks Ashley. We are very proud of your progress."

"Thanks, but I can't help but wonder what comes after the 'but' Dr. Dean."

"Oh, there is no 'but' Ashley, I just want you to know that your dedication to recovery is something we commend."

"Well, thanks. It's not a cake-walk, but every day that goes by I count as another day sober."

"Seems to me you have a pretty good support system as well; I heard Kyla is on her way up to spend the weekend."

"Yeah, I can't wait to see her. She is my rock, you know? Without her…wow…it's hard to say where I'd be right now."

"And Dr. Carlin tells me that she's seeing you smile again, which is a plus."

_Hide the goofy grin…hide the grin…hide the…oh forget it._

"Yeah. I am smiling more. I have something to smile about now, you know? I'm not numb anymore. Dr. Carlin has done a lot for me."

"Is everything okay with you and Dr. Carlin, Ashley? I know you don't really see her in formal sessions any longer and wanted to make sure there were no issues."

"Oh, she and I are fine. See, I know Dr. Carlin from a long time ago. We were good friends when I was young and she didn't want there to be a conflict of interest since we have a history."

"Mmmhmm…I see."

_Wait a minute. "I see." What kind of snide mumbling is that?_

"What is it you see, Doc?"

"Oh nothing, Ashley, just following the conversation is all. I mean, I can see why you wanted to see someone else, already knowing Dr. Carlin and all."

"Yeah."

"That could make for an uncomfortable conversation, with the _history_ and all."

"Umm…I wouldn't say uncomfortable per se. I have never been uncomfortable talking with Dr. Carlin. She is really…actually…what's the point here Doc?"

"There is no direct point, Ashley. I just wondered why it took you 4 weeks to want to change to another doctor…if the reasoning lies in you previously knowing Dr. Carlin. I mean, if something else happened, I want you to know you can talk to me about it."

_This sonofabitch has a lot of nerve. What's his fucking problem, anyway? What's he trying to say exactly?_

"Okay Doc, it's no secret here, but I have taken a lot, and I mean A LOT, of drugs in my lifetime. Probably more than any one human should ever consume. So, not that it's any of your concern at all, but I didn't recognize Dr. Carlin until recently."

"But, Dr. Carlin knew who you were, right Ashley?"

_Oh he is definitely up to something now. I have GOT to get over to Spencer's office as soon as I leave here and give her the 411._

"I don't know Dr. Dean. Maybe you should ask her yourself, because it's no concern of mine. She is a trusted doctor to me."

"I'm sorry if I've upset you at all Ashley. I just want to ensure that all of the residents here are comfortable and feel safe."

"Right. I'm sure. I can tell you I'm not comfortable right now Dr. Dean, and that's by your hands."

"I apologize."

"You know, maybe we should cut this short today Doc. I don't feel my talking to you is going to benefit my recovery in any way. Not when I feel like I'm facing the inquisition."

_I was tired of sitting in that chair anyway. I need to get away from this psycho._

"Ashley, please sit down. I apologize if you feel bombarded…"

"No apologies necessary Dr. Dean, you're just doing your job, right? Patients first, right?"

_Don't nod at me like you are a saint._"Unfortunately for me, I'm not feeling first right now…so I'm going to excuse myself. Put a red 'X' in my file that I skipped out early, or whatever, but I just need some me-time right now."

"I understand Ashley. If you want to talk later, you know where you can find me."

"Of course. In the here and now, right Doc?"

_Yeah, nod at that with your fucked up grin. Asshole._

* * *

_They must have just cleaned these floors. My shoes don't usually squeak this loudly, do they? _

_Of course, I am traveling at a higher rate of speed, I'm sure…but I need to talk with Spencer now. This quack doctor is up to some bullshit she needs to know about._

_Another ugly door. Jeez…you'd think Spencer would at least buck the system._

_Sounds like voices inside…maybe she has a session this morning._

_Wait, no, she doesn't until like 3 this afternoon. _

_Should I just knock? Hold up, did she just say I love you, too?_

_That is definitely another woman's voice in there with her._

_What the…_

_Fuck it. Move door…_

"Spencer…"

"Oh Ash…hey….umm...this is…."

"Someone you love, yeah I heard." _Spinning on the heels, and away I go…_

"Wait a minute Ash…hold on."

_Fight or Flight, Davies…_

_  
Flight._

_Damnit, 4 strides and warm hands are on me already._

"Will you wait a minute?"

"Why, Spencer? So you can 'explain'?"

"Well, yeah. You obviously have the absolute wrong idea here."

"Do I? Because she was really pretty…a little old for you I think…but pretty. So do tell, Spence_r_, what idea is so wrong here?"

"How about the idea that that woman in there is my step-mother? And if you had stuck around for a second, you would have seen my dad standing behind the door you swung open."

_Shit_

"Ummm…wow. I...uhh…"

"It's okay." _Stop laughing at me with that cute laugh "_But will you come back now? Dad wants to say hello."

_Go ahead, pull me by my hand. I'm not worthy of an introduction, or re-introduction, but I know you're nice enough to give it to me. _

"Sorry guys…slight misunderstanding there. Umm, Ash, this is my step-mom, Candace."

"Nice to meet you Ashley."

"Likewise. Sorry about that…display of…ignorance."

"No worries, dear."

"Ashley Davies, as I live and breathe! I am so happy to see your smiling face again."

"Hey Mr. C. Wow, you have gotten all sophisticated-dad on us."

"Thanks?"

"Yes, thanks! You look great, Mr. C. I've missed you."

_I've missed these meaningful hugs as well._

"Well, Spencer tells me you ran aground and are getting things back in order here."

"Yes sir, I'm trying."

"And she's doing a bang up job, dad."

_I miss her smile when she's not around._

"Well keep it up, kiddo. We want you two over for a bar-b-que as soon as you feel up to it."

"Thanks dad."

"Yeah, thanks, Mr. C. That would be nice."

"Ash, umm, I just realized something. It's 8:30…aren't you supposed to be with Dr. Dean?"

"Yeah, I left early to come talk to you about him. He's up to something Spence, and he was making me really uneasy."

_Wait, why are Spencer and Arthur looking at each other like that?_

"Yeah, I kind of figured that out myself, but I didn't think he would project his thoughts and feelings on to you. I'm sorry Ash."

"Hey, it's okay."

"Actually, that's why I came by today."

"I don't follow Mr. C."

"Well, Spencer called me to fill me in on some things and I came out here to talk with her about her options. And, truth be told, I wanted to see you as well."

"Well, thanks, sir…but what options are you talking about?"

_Her blue eyes are a little cloudy. They always got that way when she was a little nervous._

"Well, Ash, dad has asked me to come work in his private practice as a drug and alcohol counselor."

_Cue the goodbye music; she's going to leave again._

"Umm, well, what are you going to do?"

_Don't stare at me like that, Carlin, with your head all tilted and looking cute._

"You know what girls, why don't we take off so you can discuss this together? Ash, I'm so happy your back in my daughter's life, and I will see you soon."

"Thanks…bye Mr. C. It was nice to meet you Candace."

_Wait for the door to close…wait for it…wait for it…_click.

"Spencer?"

"Ash, I know what you're thinking here, but don't read too much into this okay?"

"Read too much into it? Exactly how can I NOT read too much into this?"

"He's trying to protect **both** of our best interests, Ash."

"By you leaving?"

"Ash, I wouldn't be leaving you."

"Heard that before."

_Damnit, I shouldn't have said that…please look at me again…_

"Maybe it's for the best."

_Look at me! _

_I'll just grab your hand…there we go…eye contact._

"But, I love you, Spencer."

"Ash."

"No, I do. I need you. I need you to be here with me."

"Ash, I will be here FOR you…just not with you."

"But…"

"Ash, stop. I don't have a choice in this…"

"Wait, what?"


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: I have to ask, are you all getting bored with this story? Doesn't seem to be pulling much interest. Either way, it's still got a bit to go before it's finished...maybe I'll wrap it up earlier than planned. Thanks to those that continue to read and review...means the world!**

**Disclaimer: Don't own SoN, Mr. Lynch does...but I own the premise...so back up ninja!**

Tears were starting to burn Spencer's eyes, but she kept her breathing even in an attempt to avoid their betrayal.

"What do you mean you don't have a choice, Spencer?"

Running a hand across her forehead, Spencer slowly turned away from Ashley and found herself staring out the window.

After a few minutes of complete silence, Ashley started to feel herself getting angry that Spencer wasn't acknowledging her presence at all.

Backing toward the door, Ashley started shaking her head, "Well, you obviously need to be alone so…"

"He knows about us, Ash."

Stopping in her tracks, Ashley's mouth dropped open some.

"I'm sorry, what does he _think_ he knows, exactly?"

Turning around to look Ashley in the eyes, Spencer folded her arms across her chest, as if for protection.

"He knows about you and me, and our feelings for each other. He knows about _us_, Ashley."

"Spencer, please don't take this the wrong way, and I know it's going to come out wrong before I even say it, but…there is no_ us._"

Cue the betrayal, tears started to freely flow down Spencer's cheeks.

"Wow, Ash. Could you be any more hurtful right now?"

Ashley saw the tears streaming down Spencer's face and took a step toward her, shaking her head furiously.

"No, no, no, no, Spence…I'm not saying I don't want you. I'm not saying anything anywhere near that…but let's be honest here, we haven't talked about anything pertaining to you and me, or an _us_, so whatever Dean thinks…is wrong. There, technically, is **no** us."

"It's not that simple, Ash, and you know that."

Ashley could feel her face starting to flush and she felt embarrassed.

"I'm sorry, Spence. I guess…I don't know. I just don't know what to think right now. I mean, you're going to leave and I feel like it's my fault."

Ashley flopped down on the couch in the corner of the office and stared at the floor.

Time continued to tick by as both girls avoided eye contact and conversation.

Spencer finally couldn't take the stand-off any longer and moved toward Ashley, sitting next to her on the couch.

Grabbing for Ashley's hand, Spencer ran her thumb across the girl's palm, trying to regain some kind of connection between them.

"Please look at me, Ashley."

Lifting her brown eyes to meet blue, Ashley immediately felt tears welling up and threatening to break free. She felt as though she could no longer breathe.

"I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about this. I'm sorry I didn't warn you that Dr. Dean suspected something more was going on between us. I should have come to you, I know that, but I was scared and needed to figure out what to do. My job is on the line here, Ash, but more importantly, my reputation."

"So, you regret this don't you? You regret allowing yourself to get close to me, allowing yourself to touch me, and kiss me," Ashley stated, pulling her hand away from Spencer and standing up from the couch.

"Ash."

"No! Save it Spencer. I get that your reputation is on the line, and I get that your job is on the line, but your dad gave you an out! Why are you now acting like your back is against the wall and you have nowhere to go?"

Spencer stood, stepping toward Ashley, only to have her retreat a little further.

"Ashley, you are taking this to the extreme. I'm just telling you what I'm feeling."

"Yeah, and none of those feelings thus far have been about me…in any way."

"Well excuse me, but don't you think that's a little presumptuous on your part, Ash? I mean...did you ever think that I'm trying to figure all of this out so there **can **be an us? Did you ever think about that?"

Ashley stood firm, her lips in a tight line, staring back at Spencer.

"No, you didn't. I have to be concerned about you, about me, about my job, about my reputation, and most importantly…about your recovery. But you apparently think I'm so shallow that I'm only concerned about one thing."

Ashley's head dropped, and her eyes remained fixed right in front of her feet. Spencer was right, she hadn't thought about anything but the words she was hearing. She was being presumptuous.

"Spencer," Ashley whispered.

"What Ash?" Spencer coldly replied.

"I'm sorry, it's just..."

Spencer turned and headed back for the window, swiping at the tears that betrayed her minutes earlier.

"Just save it, Ash," Spencer choked out.

"What?"

Ashley looked up from the floor, staring at the blonde's back as she gazed out the window.

In that moment, Ashley felt alone again. She felt her insides light on fire, and the bile start to rise up into her throat.

She was having a craving.

She was hurting, and wanted to be numb. For the first time in weeks, she wanted to run away and hide behind the needle, the bottle, and the blade.

Turning away from Spencer, she darted across the room to the adjoining bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

She immediately fell to her knees in front of the porcelain bowl and gripped the sides as she retched into the dark below.

Spencer immediately pushed through the door, kneeling behind Ashley's body that was now slumped over the toilet in front of her.

She ran her left hand over the brunette's back in small circles and ran her right hand through the brown locks in front of her.

Spencer was surprised when Ashley's hand came up and brushed her hand away from her face.

"Just leave it, Spencer. I don't want your help right now."

"Ashley."

"I said leave it," Ashley seethed through gritted teeth.

"You are having a craving, Ashley, I know…I've been there. Just let me be here with you, please."

"Get the fuck off me Spencer! I don't even want you to look at me right now. This whole conversation just makes me want to run…to be numb," Ashley choked out, starting to cry.

"Baby…I'm so sorry," Spencer stated, trying to soothe the girl she loved.

"Don't, Spencer…just…don't. Maybe you're right. Maybe it's best you do leave here."

Spencer stared at the side of Ashley's face as the brunette refused to make eye contact.

"Ash…Ash, look at me."

Ashley continued to stare straight ahead, ignoring Spencer's plea.

Spencer leaned in close to Ashley, whispering in her ear:

"I love you so much, Ash. I am NEVER going to leave you again. I hope you know that."

Spencer placed a lingering kiss directly below Ashley's earlobe before standing up and walking back into her office.

Ashley flushed the remnants of last night's dinner and rinsed her mouth with mouthwash that was on the counter. She exited the bathroom to find Spencer packing up her personal belongings.

She started to make her way to the door when she felt a warm hand on her forearm.

Spinning around, she was met with the stunning sea of blue that would forever mesmerize her.

Allowing herself to feel lost for a moment, Ashley didn't pull back when she was met with warm lips on her own.

Spencer pressed into Ashley, kissing her firmly. She ran her tongue across Ashley's bottom lip before nibbling on it ever so lightly.

"I love you," Spencer whispered against Ashley's lips before placing another chaste kiss on the lips she found herself so quickly addicted to.

Pulling away, Ashley nodded her head, reaching her hand out covering Spencer's heart in a simple gesture of love.

"You're right here, Spence. You always have been..."

"This isn't goodbye, Ash. I promise."

"Don't make any promises you can't keep, Spence. Not anymore."

Spencer stood staring at the girl she loved as she walked backwards to the door, before spinning and heading out in one fluid motion.

The tears came almost instantly, as Spencer took refuge on the couch Ashley has previously occupied.

_What am I going to do? I have to leave before Dr. Dean forces Ashley out for misconduct and me for inappropriate patient relations. I just want her to be well, and to continue to heal. It's going to break her when I tell her that I can't visit._


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: Here's the next part...hope you all like it! A couple quick words to a few select readers:**

Cyberauthor-thanks for reading and reviewing...I love your work...especially Patience is Key! Gets me every time!

jbs10-thanks for your kind words...glad you're all caught up and continuing to come back!

Hotcutii3-I appreciate all your reviews and words...it's nice to see familiar readers.

taymm15-I'll do what I can to keep them together...you in for the long haul? haha...I tease, I tease.

Palexiot-Your kind words was just awesome. Thank you so much for reviewing. And hey, lurk all you want, I know I do it myself!

iwetta-Let me just say, your name...just cracks me up...bottomline! Thanks for all your reviews, and for sticking around! Means alot.

degrass1son-I will be around for a bit...thanks for hanging in here and following the story. I really do appreciate it!

To everyone else that has reviewed, it truly means the world. Don't underestimate the power of constructive criticism, encouraging words, and just plain atta-girls. :)

**Disclaimer: Same as always...don't own jack, eventhough there's no jack in the story...but you know what I mean...SoN belongs to Mr. Lynch. **

_Saturdays have always been my favorite day of the week, _Ashley thought, _and it's even better this weekend 'cause Kyla is bringing her silly ass back to visit me…as she should. _

Ashley put the finishing touches on straightening her room. She was allowed to have another twin bed brought into the room so Kyla could stay with her tonight, and she wanted to make sure her room was as comfortable as it could be, all things considered.

_Well, that's about as good as it's going to get, I guess. Kyla won't care, I'm sure, but it's still an eye sore if you ask me. _

Ashley laughed to herself, "I guess you can only do so much when you're in a rehab room, right?"

Before she could think twice about doing anything else to the room there was a knock at the door.

"Who is it?"

"Housekeeping. You want me fluff peeeelow?"

Ashley couldn't contain the laughter that bellowed out of her. She walked over to the door, whipping it open, knowing who would be waiting on the other side with a mile-long smirk.

With arms stretched wide, Kyla proclaimed her arrival, "TA-DA…go ahead, tell me how much you missed me. Don't be shy…go on."

Ashley continued laughing as she grabbed Kyla and pulled her into a fierce hug.

"You stupid ass," Ashley shook her head as she pulled away from hugging her smaller sister. "You know I missed you, but I'm thinking I may be changing my mind after watching that little display at the door."

Kyla giggled, swatting at Ashley's arm before grabbing her bag and brushing past her sister and into the room she would be sleeping in for the next night.

Dropping her bag and placing her hands on her hips, she surveyed the room, taking in the accommodations, all the while thinking of ways to spruce things up a smidge.

Ashley watched her sister's expression and knew what she was thinking. Ever since Kyla started her own interior design firm she can't walk in to any place new without critiquing the design and thinking of things to do to make the place better.

"Ky, I know what you're doing and you may as well stop right now. There not going to let you bring in any kind of furniture, material, or pictures to mold this room to your liking."

Kyla spun around to face Ashley, hands still firmly in place on her hips, "Are you sure about that? I mean, do they know who I am Ashley? I could do wonders for the morale around here with a little re-decorating."

Ashley laughed, shaking her head at her sister.

"You're insufferable. There is no way I'm going to bat for you on this anyway. I don't mind looking at the simplicity of this room everyday. Keeps me humble and focused on the reason I'm here."

"Right. Spencer," Kyla said.

"Exactly…wait…hold on a second," Ashley fumbled.

"No, no holding on big sister. We both know you're so focused because of one cute, blonde girl, and I can't say I blame you really…I mean, she is pretty damn adorable."

Ashley started shaking her head and waving her hands in a negating pattern, trying to reinforce the words she spit out to Kyla.

"Oh no…no, no, no, Kyla. Spencer and I are…well…we're just not a 'Spencer and I,' if you know what I mean."

Kyla frowned at her sister, holding up her index finger as if to ask her to hold on.

"Do not try and tell me you have pulled that shit on her already too, Ashley. You are not a teenager anymore, and you can't keep acting like you're totally unattainable," Kyla lectured.

"That's not..."

"I'm not done yet, so settle yourself until I'm finished," Kyla stated.

Ashley's eyebrows rose in a shocked expression as Kyla attempted to put her in her place. She motioned with her hand for her sister to continue, "By all means…go on."

"Whatever shit you two have going on right now, get over it. You have one life, Ashley, and I know you are finding out just how valuable that one life is…so don't fuck up the chance to make it even better by playing the hard ass, rocker girl. Contrary to popular belief; hard ass…does NOT look good on you."

"Look, Ky, there's just a lot going on right now with her and I. I'm not sure where things are headed right now, and the reality of it all, is that I need to remain focused on my recovery. If she and I are meant to work, we'll figure it all out."

Kyla furrowed her brows at her sister before her features softened and she merely nodded at the brunette in front of her.

"AND, contrary to whatever shit you've heard…hard ass…looks totally HOT on me."

Kyla started laughing hysterically, watching her sister cock her head from side to side as she used her hands to reinforce the fact that she was referring to her body.

"And you call me insufferable," Kyla scoffed.

Ashley grinned wide, her nose scrunching in the process, and took a bow before standing up and grabbing at her sister's hand.

"Come on girl, I wanna get outside and enjoy some sunshine and fresh air before we hit up our group session tonight," Ashley said, while pulling her sister toward the door.

"Ash, wait. I have something for you, and I want to give it to you now before I forget and the weekend flies by, and then I'm rushing out of here tomorrow evening…"

Ashley cut her sister off before she could ramble on any longer, "I get it Ky, sheesh. Quit your rambling and fork over whatever goldmine gift you brought."

Kyla nodded and started rummaging through her bag for the item she wanted to give to her sister.

Kyla stood up, turning to face Ashley, and extended her hand to her sister. In her hand, a single, white envelope, with Ashley's name printed neatly across the front.

"Here," Kyla stated, pushing the letter toward Ashley.

Ashley took the letter, looking at it with a mixture of surprise and confusion.

"Is this from…," Ashley began.

"Christine," Kyla finished her thought for her, "Yeah. She wanted me to bring it to you and asked me to tell you that she's sorry."

Ashley looked at the envelope then back at her sister before she scoffed and tossed the letter on her bed.

"Sorry? Sorry for what? Sorry for me being in this rehab center while she continues to sit around the pool drinking Mimosas?" Ashley sarcastically responded. "No reason to be sorry for that."

"Ash, I think she just realizes she's let you down and she's hoping to take steps towards making things right again. Don't forget, she's not like Mommy Dearest…she just got a little lost in the shuffle, just like you."

Ashley sighed, looking down at the floor before allowing her eyes travel back up to her sister's, nodding her head toward the door to signal it was time to get out of the close quarters.

* * *

Arriving outside and traveling the pathway toward the beach, Kyla took the time to inquire about the latest details involving the blonde beauty that seemingly had her sister so focused and willing to change.

Ashley started her story from the beginning while staking claim to a cool spot in the sand. Running her fingers through the comforting earth, Ashley continued to fill her sister in on all the details of Spencer's job, Dr. Dean, and the argument the two girls had had over the details surrounding both.

"So, that's where we are now…except, I'm not sure exactly sure 'where' that is," Ashley admitted.

"Do you love her?"

Ashley thought for a second before meeting Kyla's stare and nodding in the affirmative.

"Okay, well that's a good starting point Ashley. Maybe you should just strip away all the negative and focus on the positive things in your life: like recovery, writing music, feeling again, and most importantly; Spencer."

"I know, I know…it's just that I want a guarantee you know, and I know that's totally unrealistic."

"What the hell kind of 'guarantee' are you looking for, Ash?"

"I don't know," Ashley said, looking down at the design her fingers were drawing in the sand, "It's just…she left once. What's to say she won't leave again?"

Kyla reached over slapping Ashley in the back of the head.

"What the fuck, Ky?!"

"You need to snap out of it big sis. Carpe Diem, you know, 'Seize the Day,'" Kyla said. "Don't let this chance at love pass you by because of some hang-up in the past, or because you're scared of getting hurt. 'It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.'"

"Yeah, but be real here…Ashley and love…not the prettiest track record."

Kyla rolled her eyes and stood up; swiping the sand away from her shorts and legs. She stared at Ashley for a minute before turning and walking back toward the building.

"Hey!" Ashley yelled after her sister, while promptly standing and making her way after the retreating girl. "Wait up, Ky. Where are you even going?"

Kyla glanced back over her shoulder before calling out, "I'm going to find out if Spencer plans to leave you ever again."


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N:** **Thanks again for the reviews! They are much appreciated. It means so much that some of you all have been around for the duration. That's just freakin' awesome. :) I'm hoping to keep up a more frequent posting pattern...life just jumps in the way sometimes. Fortunately, things are farely calm right now so we'll roll with it.**

**Disclaimer: I don't claim to own SoN, the characters, or Tom Lynch...just the idea below. . .and hopefully a new motorcycle in the next few weeks. Gas prices are OUTRAGEOUS...and filling up the SUV doesn't come cheap anymore. Boo!**

* * *

Before Ashley could catch up with her feisty sister and talk her out of whatever nonsense she was planning, Spencer came charging out the main doors of the facility, running into Kyla and nearly knocking her down.

Ashley stopped in her tracks, looking around in a panic for somewhere to go. She didn't want to be present for her sister's conversation, at all, so she spun on her heels and headed back in the direction she had just come, picking up her pace of retreat.

Spencer grasped onto Kyla's arms, trying to keep them both on their feet, "Oh my God, Kyla. I am so sorry. Are you okay?"

Steadying herself with Spencer's help, Kyla regained her composure and took a breath to calm her nerves after the almost-disastrous run-in.

"That could have been a disaster," Kyla retorted, letting go of Spencer and brushing down her clothes as if to swipe away her edginess.

"I wasn't paying attention when I came out of the building, I'm truly sorry," Spencer apologized once more.

Kyla waved her off, "Well obviously you weren't paying attention…duh…but, no harm, no foul," she said. "Are you in a rush to get somewhere Dr. Carlin?"

Spencer began looking around the courtyard, realizing she was talking with Ashley's sister, but there was no Ashley in sight.

"Umm, actually, I was just trying to get outside for some fresh air," Spencer responded, never making eye contact with Kyla as she answered. "Umm, is Ash with you?"

Kyla looked around, mimicking Spencer's actions before responding, "Nope, it doesn't look like it…which is actually good for the both of us."

Spencer tilted her head and looked at Kyla quizzically, "The both of us? Like, you and me kind of both of us, or you and her?"

Kyla rolled her eyes, "Both. We, as in you and I, need to talk, and I don't really feel like censoring our conversation, so it works out that she's retreated to some place other than this spot."

Spencer wasn't sure how to respond, but she couldn't help but continue her glances around the property, hoping to catch a glimpse of Ashley.

"So can we go somewhere Dr. Carlin, preferably NOT inside that building, seeing as I will be spending this evening and night in there."

"Oh, umm yeah, sure. How about we go over to the gardens? It's usually pretty quiet over there during this time of day," Spencer suggested.

Kyla nodded in agreement, "That sounds good. You lead the way."

The two girls entered the gardens area of the grounds and Kyla looked around in awe. There were blooming flowers, small fountains, benches scattered everywhere, and a gravel path that forked in all different directions.

"Wow. This place is gorgeous. It's so peaceful and colorful," Kyla stated.

Spencer nodded, agreeing with Kyla. "It is beautiful. We wanted the residents to have a peaceful setting they could go to when they wanted to just relax and think."

Kyla scoffed, "You'd think they'd do that for the rooms since that's where most people spend the majority of their time."

Spencer smiled, "I couldn't agree with you more. It shouldn't look like a hotel room; it should be warm and calming in the rooms."

Kyla just nodded, taking in the scenery around them.

"I can't imagine you wanted to talk to me about the decorating scheme around here Kyla, so what's really going on? Is Ashley okay?"

Sitting on the bench nearest to them, Kyla turned her body to face Spencer, taking in her look and demeanor.

"Dr. Carlin…"

"Please, Kyla, call me Spencer."

"Okay. Well, Spencer, my sister is a bit of dumbass."

Spencer's eyebrows rose in amusement as she couldn't stifle the giggle that made its way out of her mouth.

"Not that her being a dumbass comes as a surprise to you, I'm sure…but Ashley is hedging a lot of things in her life on guarantees right now. Now, before you say anything, I know there are no guarantees in life…but Ashley…she used to believe in them, and I know she is searching for some now."

Spencer nodded, not sure where Kyla was going with this conversation.

"I'm just gonna be blunt here, Spencer, because…well…I don't know how to be anything else."

Spencer laughed a little at Kyla's honesty, "Okay, be blunt."

"Are you just fucking with my sister?"

Spencer gasped in shock and nearly choked at the question presented to her.

"No. My God, why would you even ask me that?"

"Are you planning on leaving her again?" Kyla asked, completely ignoring Spencer's question. "I mean, I don't care if you two are together, not together, just friends, doing the dirty, or whatever else…I just want to know if you plan on walking away."

Spencer lowered her shaking head and stared at the ground before them.

"Your demeanor right now is screaming YES, you plan on walking away, so if that's not the case, Spencer, please speak up now," Kyla spoke sternly.

"We were kids then, Kyla. I didn't have a choice when my family left all those years ago. I have a choice now, and I don't plan on leaving Ashley. I mean, she made it clear to me the other day that there was no 'us,' but I don't want to lose her. I haven't felt so connected to someone since the younger Ashley that was once my best friend."

"So what the hell is the problem then? Ashley told me about this Dean guy that seems to be trying to stir shit up, and about your job offer, but something doesn't completely click with everything. What else is going on Spencer?"

Spencer stood from the bench, clenching her fists at her sides, before turning back to Kyla with tears in her eyes.

"Dr. Dean _claims_ he knows there is an inappropriate relationship happening and that if I don't make a sound decision he will be making one for me," Spencer admitted.

"That is a blatant misuse of power, Spencer. He can't threaten you like that," Kyla responded, obviously becoming irritated.

"I know, Kyla, but the reality of the situation is that there _is_, or at least _was_, an inappropriate encounter with me and your sister. Regardless of what proof he has, if the board members here caught wind of it they would have my licenses revoked and black-list me from every facility in Southern California."

Kyla stood up, matching Spencer's firm stance and crossed her arms firmly across her chest.

"So you are going to take your dad's offer so you can leave the facility, leave Ashley, and maintain your licensing? That's not the only reason you're leaving, is it Spencer?"

"No, it's not the only reason…"

"Oh for the love of God and all that is holy! Are you seeing someone else and don't want to break Ashley by telling her?" Kyla voiced, cutting Spencer off before she could even finish.

"WHAT?! No, Kyla! God, whatever negative thoughts you have about me, they're totally unjustified. Jesus, do you really think I'm just gonna tuck my tail, save my ass, and run?"

"Well, that's what I'm trying to figure out. I refuse to watch Ashley heal, only to have her life crumble at the hands of unrequited love."

Spencer sighed, shaking her head at the girl in front of her. She never realized how much the sisters actually did resemble one another until this moment.

"Kyla…I love Ashley. That's the bottom line with that. As for leaving, I see no other choice. Not only is it about me, but even more, Dr. Dean threatened to have Ash kicked out of the program based on the inappropriate nature of our relationship and it's affect on her treatment and those around her. I REFUSE to allow that to happen, especially after she has come so far."

Kyla stared straight ahead as she listened to the explanation she was being given. Her face softened as she reached over and placed a hand on Spencer's arm.

"You really do care about her, don't you?"

"Of course I do. I mean, she's been a little sketchy with me concerning her feelings…being so up and down…but that's to be expected right now. I mean, I understand more because I know she's going through so much change that it's only natural to want _some_ guarantees."

Kyla pulled Spencer over and hugged her.

"Thanks for being honest with me, Spencer," Kyla sighed out.

"Well, you're scary, Kyla."

Kyla laughed at Spencer's response.

"But, if I'm being totally honest, then I need to tell you the last piece to all of this."

Kyla pulled back and sat back down on the bench. "Lay it on me."

"I'm not going to be able to visit Ashley after I leave here. It will be too obvious if I leave and continue to come back to see her…Dean will definitely go after my credentials if I show him his thoughts were even remotely true," Spencer admitted.

"Have you told Ash yet?"

"No. We haven't spoken since we had a bit of a misunderstanding the other day," Spencer stated, dropping her gaze back to the ground.

Kyla sat and thought for a minute before looking up at Spencer.

"Will you be at the family session tonight?" Kyla inquired.

Spencer nodded, "Yeah, I'll be there. Why?"

"Listen, just don't make any plans for after the session, and I'll meet you in your office about 10 minutes after we all leave the group, okay?"

"What are you up to, Kyla?"

Kyla looked past Spencer to see Ashley walking toward the building with her hands in her pockets, looking as though someone just kicked her puppy. Kyla looked at Spencer and grinned mischievously.

"Don't worry about that right now…I'll fill you in after the group session."

With that being said, Kyla winked at Spencer and pushed past her, settling into a quick jog, hoping to catch up with her sister.


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: Thanks for reading guys...I've been on a bit of a posting frenzy this week. The ideas are running around in my head and leading the chapters, so it's best to get them out. Oh, and btw, on my last A/N...I totally know I spelled "fairly," "farely." I'm blonde...cut me some slack. :)  
Thanks again for all the reviews. They really do mean a lot...and if you have any ideas, shoot them my way. I am more than willing to try and work some in if they fit my direction. **

**Disclaimer: SoN is not my brainchild, nor are the characters...however...the idea below is allll mine baby. **

* * *

Ashley walked through the patio doors, and back into the building, before quickly surveying the area for any sign of her sister's presence…she saw her nowhere.

_Seriously…where the hell did she go? One minute she's attacking Spencer, probably scaring the shit out of her, if not threatening her, andthe next minute she's nowhere to be found._

Turning to head down the hall toward her room, Ashley caught a glimpse of Spencer walking past the window outside and lost herself in the view.

_She is so…God…there's just no words._

"She is hhhottt," Kyla whispered into Ashley's ear, nearly causing the older girl to jump out of her skin.

"Jesus Christ, Kyla, you scared the **shit** outta me," Ashley scolded, swatting at her sister's arm. "You have **got** to stop creeping around here causing silent panic."

Kyla lifted her hand to her chest in feigned shock.

"What ever do you mean? I do not cause panic…I mean, I might, but look at me…hellloooo. It's not my words and actions people are panicked about."

Ashley rolled her eyes, grabbing her sister's arm and pulling her back toward her room.

"Well come on, oh young and humble sister of mine, we need to get showered and cleaned up so we can grab a bite to eat before family group tonight."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah…let's go get you cleaned and dolled up. Lord knows you're looking a little rough," Kyla teased.

"Oh fuck off Ky, you're just jealous that I can look this rough and still look this damn good."

"Riiiight, that's what it is. You keep telling yourself that sista."

"Whatever. Besides, I don't do 'dolled up,' so whatever you're thinking, forget about it. If I let you dress me, I'd be running around in a pink tu-tu and tube socks."

"That was one time Ash…and it was Halloween…so shut up."

Ashley laughed at the memory of her sister running around their party dressed in that hideous tu-tu, with matching pink tube socks and a pink bra. "What exactly were you supposed to be that year, Ky? I can't remember."

"The Pepto Bismol Fairy…remember…I said I would be the PB Fairy so I could cast a spell to calm everyone's stomach so no one would throw up in our loft?"

"Oh shit, that's right," Ashley started laughing harder. "Except it didn't work; you were the first one there to throw up on the area rug and then pass out under the kitchen table."

"We agreed never to talk about that night again, so let's change the subject and move on…before I end up calling my shrink to try and work through my issues again."

Ashley smiled big at her sister. _I am so happy to have her here with me today and until tomorrow. I have missed this: us being, us. It's so refreshing._

Arriving back at the room, Kyla began to rummage through her bag looking for the outfit she packed specifically for their group session tonight.

"So, Ky, umm…what happened with Spencer today?"

"Oh nothing…she nearly ran me over and then apologized, no big deal. If she walks that dangerously, I can only imagine what her driving is like," Kyla responded, purposely avoiding the underlying meaning in Ashley's question.

Ashley grinned at her sister's randomness, "Yeah, she's dangerous alright."

Kyla started pulling out her clothes to prepare for her shower while Ashley continued to poke around for answers to her question.

"So, did you find the information you were looking for when you talked with her?"

"Uh-huh," Kyla answered, nodding, while still focusing on getting ready.

"What did you…umm…you know, find out?"

"Oh nothing I didn't already suspect."

Ashley was starting to get irritated with her sister's avoidance tactics and stalked over to her closet to pull out her robe and head to the shower.

"Well," Ashley began mumbling to herself, "it's obvious you aren't going to tell me what happened, so I'm just gonna get in the shower."

Kyla could hear Ashley's mumblings and just grinned and giggled, knowing she was frustrating the hell out of her big sister.

Ashley headed toward the bathroom, but Kyla caught her arm just as she was passing by to go through the doors and into the shower. She pulled her over and into a hug, giggling the whole time.

Ashley stood with her arms down to her side and her eyes rolled to the ceiling as the smaller girl hugged her tighter.

"Oh Ash, you are so predictable. Listen, everything in your life is upside down right now, I get that, but I just want you to trust me when I say that Spencer…she will be the one to turn it right-side up. Okay?"

Ashley just pulled back, staring at her sister.

"You just have to give things some time to work out. Throw out your expectations and your want for guarantees…and just trust me on this."

Ashley sighed, and looked down to her feet for a response…but found nothing.

"She loves you, and I believe that. Everything else is just details to play out."

Satisfied with her sister's speech, Ashley nodded and replied with a simple, "okay."

"Now, get your skank-ass in the shower so we can get some grub before family shrink time."

* * *

After eating a light dinner, and grabbing a couple drinks for the room for later, Ashley and Kyla headed toward the commons area for their family group session. The residents in that particular wing of the facility were all meeting together for the first time, and the commons area had become a sea of folding chairs and unfamiliar faces.

Ashley briefly glanced over at the piano that had been pushed to the side of the room and thought back to the song she sat and played there just a few weeks prior, only to have Spencer listening the entire time. She couldn't help the smile that played at her lips while thinking back to look she saw on Spencer's face. All her walls were down, her heart was completely open, and her eyes told a story of want and need. Ashley imagined her eyes mimicked that same story that night.

Ashley was pulled from her thoughts as her sister physically pulled her over to the opposite side of the room and onto a seat in the 2nd row. There were two rows of chairs on one side, and another two rows facing them on the other side of the room. There were two chairs on each end of the commons that closed off the walkway between the rows, causing the chairs to mirror the shape of an oval race track. Ashley assumed the doctors would be sitting in those chairs.

"Man, I feel like I'm back in high school, in Mrs. Jenkins English class. Ugh. Remember that, Ash? We always sat next to each other in the back row."

"Yeah, I remember that class. That's the first class we had together, and I still didn't like you then," Ashley scoffed.

"Yeah, you didn't like me alright. You made my life hell for a good 9 months…but then you came to your senses. Look at us now: you adore me," Kyla said while clasping her hands together over her heart.

"Adore. Tolerate. I guess they're one in the same," Ashley shrugged.

Kyla shouldered her sister and smirked, but before she could say anything else Ashley's gaze was set on the blonde doctor that was entering the area with one of her co-workers.

Ashley couldn't take her eyes off the doctor in front of her. Spencer was dressed in a straight, tight, black skirt that hit mid-calf, black and white heels, and a button down white shirt that clung to every curve on her body. Her hair was curled and fell loosely around her shoulders.

_Beautiful_, Ashley thought, as her eyes finally met the sea of blue she loved to get lost in.

She smiled shyly at the doctor before dropping eye contact and turning back toward her sister.

Kyla sat staring at Ashley with the widest smile she could muster, "You are so sprung. I'm gonna start calling you Slinky," she giggled.

Ashley just rolled her eyes and watched as everyone else made their way into the commons area and took a seat. If she could keep her eyes off Spencer for the duration of this session she would count it a success, but deep down, she just wanted to stare and fail.

45 minutes into the group session, Spencer asked Ashley to introduce herself and her family guest to the rest of the crowd. Ashley stood, only briefly making eye-contact with Spencer to silently agree to her wishes for introduction.

"Umm, hi. I am Ashley Davies. I've been here for a little over 5 weeks now, and each day seems to get brighter for me," she smiled as she confessed, looking at the other smiling faces and nodding heads.

Before she could sit down, Kyla was poking her leg, reminding her to introduce her as well.

"Oh yeah, and this is my charmingly annoying sister, Kyla," Ashley smirked, as the others in the room laughed.

Kyla rolled her eyes at Ashley's sarcasm.

"In all seriousness though," Ashley admitted, "Kyla is the reason I'm alive today and here at Memories working toward sobriety." Ashley turned and looked down at her sister with watery eyes. "I couldn't have done this without your unconditional love and support, Ky. I love you much, and I mean that."

Ashley stood there with a small grin on her face as Kyla attempted to swipe at the tears burning tracks in her skin. She reached out, grabbing Ashley's hand, and gave it a squeeze before pulling her back down to her seat and into a warm hug.

"I love you too, Ash," Kyla whispered through tears.

The session continued on for another 45 minutes with all residents thanking their family members, and the resident doctors going over the weekly plans they have for us and the upcoming events they hope to schedule.

After all was said and done, everyone stood, milling around, visiting with their family members in the large setting. Ashley was itching to get into her pj's and just chill with her sister, but Kyla seemed to have other plans.

"Come on, Ky, I wanna go back to the room and just relax. Let's go," Ashley whined.

"Ash, quit being a baby. I have a couple things I need to do and take care of over the phone, then I'll be back in the room. Why don't you go on back and I'll just meet you there in like 25 minutes?"

"Are you sure? You're not going to ditch out on me tonight are you?"

"No, you big goof, I'm not bailing on you. Just go on back, I'll be there shortly."

Before Ashley could argue, Kyla was off and moving in the opposite direction, pulling her cell phone out of her purse to take care of whatever business she needed to tend to so desperately.

Looking around the room, hoping to catch a last glimpse of the blondethat looked so stunning tonight, Ashley was disappointed to find her gone without a word. Pursing her lips and shaking her head at herself, Ashley made her way back to her room.

After brushing her teeth and tidying the room, Ashley headed to her dresser to find her pj's when she heard her door shut.

"It's about time, Ky..." Ashley said, turning to find Spencer standing her doorway. Her breath instantly caught in her throat.

"Not Kyla," Spencer stated. "You're not disappointed, right?"

Ashley looked down and then back up at the blonde before shaking her head no.

"But, where's..."

"She's in my office," Spencer cut the brunette off, while staring to the side, playing with her fingers. "She's staying there tonight...so I can be here with you..." Spencer admitted, meeting Ashley's gaze, "I mean, if that's okay."

Ashley dropped the clothes in her hand and made her way over to the blonde standing in front of her, taking her right hand in her own and placing her other hand on the girl's cheek.

"It's more than okay," Ashley whispered. "You look so beautiful."


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N:** Wow, I'm so sorry it's taken so long. Between travelling so much, vacations, and just life in general, my story has had to take a backseat. My apologies, to those that were still interested in this piece. I'm easing my way back into things, so hopefully this doesn't disappoint. The beginning (in italics) is a quick reminder of the ending of the previous chapter. Leave me some feedback, let me know your thoughts...hope this doesn't totally disappoint.

**Disclaimer: **No change here...never has, never will!

_

* * *

__"Not Kyla," Spencer stated. "You're not disappointed, right?"_

_Ashley looked down and then back up at the blonde before shaking her head no._

_"But, where's..."_

_"She's in my office," Spencer cut the brunette off, while staring to the side, playing with her fingers. "She's staying there tonight...so I can be here with you..." Spencer admitted, meeting Ashley's gaze, "I mean, if that's okay."_

_Ashley dropped the clothes in her hand and made her way over to the blonde standing in front of her, taking her right hand in her own and placing her other hand on the girl's cheek._

_"It's more than okay," Ashley whispered. "You look so beautiful."_

* * *

Spencer could feel her cheeks turning red at Ashley's compliment, but couldn't control the smile that graced her lips.

Ashley took a step back, not wanting to rush this moment, and pulled Spencer further into her room.

"Have a seat Spence, let me just get changed and we can watch a movie or something."

"Umm…okay. That sounds good."

Stopping in the doorway to the bathroom, Ashley turned around, watching Spencer sitting in her favorite, over-sized chair, just staring at her fingers.

"Do you want something to sleep in, Spence? I can't imagine that what you have on will be very comfortable," Ashley asked, smiling at the blonde in front of her.

Spencer simply nodded her head and whispered out a quiet, 'sure, thanks.'

Ashley took note of Spencer's demeanor, wondering why she appeared so downtrodden, but grabbed her some clothes and sat them in her lap before retreating to the bathroom to change as well. _I'll have to ask her later why she seems so sad, _Ashley thought.

After getting changed, Ashley took one step back into the room and noticed Spencer was just pulling the borrowed t-shirt over her head. Ashley couldn't help but stare at the smooth, ceramic-like skin of Spencer's back. Getting lost in her thoughts, Ashley didn't notice Spencer had finished dressing and was now turned and facing her.

"That hideous?" Spencer inquired, with raised brows.

Ashley looked up instantly, meeting Spencer's eyes, and shook her head no.

"Umm…no, not at all…quite the opposite actually," Ashley embarrassingly admitted.

Spencer grinned at how shy the brunette instantly became, and took a few steps forward, grasping Ashley's hands and pulling her over to the bed…motioning for her to sit down next to her.

Spencer kept hold of Ashley's hands as she started to inhale deeply, "Ash, we have some things we need to talk about…"

"I know Spencer," Ashley replied, cutting Spencer off before she could finish, "I just want you to know that I'm sorry about the other day. I just freaked out…and I got scared…and I don't know, I guess I just shut down…which isn't the healthiest thing to do, I know, but all this…" she motioned between them with her hand, still holding Spencer's hand, "it's got me scared shitless, Spence."

Spencer couldn't help the grin that was creeping across her face, or the giggle that made its way out of her chest.

"What's so funny?" Ashley asked, sounding a little hurt.

"You're just really cute when you start rambling."

Ashley turned a darker shade of crimson and bowed her head, avoiding eye-contact.

Spencer ran her hand across Ashley's cheek and down to her chin, slowly tilting her face up to meet her eyes. She smiled the instant they made eye contact.

"Ashley, you are…" Spencer's smile grew as she got lost in the brunette's eyes, "you are…absolutely amazing."

Ashley exhaled the breath she was anonymously holding hostage, and reached out to tuck a stray strand of blonde hair behind Spencer's ear.

Spencer leaned forward, capturing Ashley's waiting lips in a soft, yet searing kiss.

Hands over hands, hearts to hearts, breath to breath…Spencer relished in the butterflies tumbling around in her stomach and her heightened pulse and heart rate.

Touching her warm tongue to Ashley's bottom lip, Spencer begged for entrance into the safe haven of Ashley's mouth…and was granted immediate access.

The moment their tongues met, Ashley released a low moan from deep inside her throat, instantly pushing Spencer down on her bed and straddling her, ultimately breaking their kiss.

Spencer couldn't help but smile at the want and need she could read in Ashley's eyes. The girl's vibrant eyes were now a deep, dark, brown - almost black - as they roamed over Spencer's features.

"Anxious much? You just pushed me over like you were a linebacker," Spencer chuckled.

Ashley smirked, running her thumb across Spencer's bottom lip, only to have the doctor take her thumb into her mouth and suck gently on the tip.

"Who's anxious now?" Ashley whispered, smirk still in place.

Spencer released her love's thumb and reached forward, pulling Ashley's face toward her, crashing their lips together once again.

"Mmm…Ashley that feels so good," Spencer moaned as the brunetted moved down her neck, lightly sucking on her pulse point.

Ashley smiled against Spencer's neck, knowing she was causing the moans that were filling her ears and increasing the heat between her thighs.

"God, Ash…I want you so bad right now," Spencer breathed out.

Ashley pulled back and stared at Spencer with a slight hesitance, "Are you sure about this, Spence? I mean, I know there is a lot we need to talk about, and I just want you to be sure this is okay," Ashley spoke, her voice laced with such emotion.

Before Spencer could allow herself to think rationally she pulled Ashley down to her, allowing the brunette's weight to pin her to the bed in the most delicious manner. Placing a kiss on her cheek, then allowing her nose to lightly brush against Ashley's before whispering in her ear, "I need you baby...please."

Needing no other reassurance, Ashley brought their lips together again, immediately deepening the kiss and relishing in the feel of Spencer's warm tongue massaging her own. Getting lost in the kiss, Ashley allowed her hands to begin to roam over her blonde's body, slipping her fingertips underneath the hem of her shirt and sliding upwards, tracing patterns on her skin as she went.

Spencer felt as though her skin was on fire, feeling every touch from Ashley. She quickly covered Ashley's hands with her own and brought them back to the hem of her shirt, helping Ashley remove the offending garment...only breaking their kiss as she brought the shirt over her head.

Ashley stared down at the girl underneath her and sighed, "So beautiful..." she whispered before leaning down to capture a hardening nipple in her mouth. She sucked the nipple in a soothing manner before taking it between her teeth, biting down slightly and pulling it toward her.

Spencer gasped at the feelings she was experiencing. She felt lightheaded and dizzy with desire as she watched Ashley switch to her other breast, lavishing it with the same attention.

"God, Ash...that feels...incredible," Spencer moaned, running her hands through the curly brunette locks before her.

Ashley raised her head to Spencer, kissing her softly, before making her way down the blonde's body, leaving a trail of heat in her wake. Swirling her tongue softly around each nipple along the way, and allowing her hands to mark their own path down her lover's body, slowly making their way under Spencer's lower back. She hooked her fingers in the borrowed shorts and slowly pulled them from her girl's body.

Ashley placed a kiss on Spencer's inner thigh before slowly spreading her legs and settling down to inhale the scent of her lover. She felt her insides tumble as she leaned forward for her first, tentative, taste.

"Oh God..." Spencer exhaled, bucking her hips forward, seeking more contact.

Ashley smiled, reaching forward to hold the girls hips down...allowing her tongue to circle the engorged clit of the girl she loved so much.

"Mmmm..." Ashley hummed against her clit before suckling it. "You taste so good."

Spencer's hands found their way into Ashley's hair as she pulled her into her even further.

Taking one long lick, Ashley moved up Spencer's body and kissed her lover while entering her at the same time. Spencer gasped into the kiss, but allowed her tongue to fight for dominance, tasting herself in the kiss.

Ashley continued pushing deeper, and deeper, as Spencer's breaths became increasingly ragged.

"So close baby...uhnn...go deeper," Spencer moaned.

With one final thrust, Ashley felt Spencer clamp down hard around her fingers and kissed her mouth closed to keep her from screaming aloud.

As her breathing slowed to a more normal pace, Spencer felt the tears release themselves from her eyes as she pulled her love closer to her.

Ashley held the trembling blonde before feeling a tear transfer to her arm. Looking up, she saw crystal blue eyes staring back at her with love and sadness.

"Spencer?" Ashley questioned. "Baby, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

Spencer grinned slightly before breaking completely in the arms of the girl who held her heart.

"I have never felt more alive than I do at this moment, Ash," Spencer choked out. "I love you so much more than I ever dreamed possible."

"Is there a 'but' in this, Spencer?"

"No, there is no 'but.' I love you completely. Nothing will ever change that. I hope you know that," Spencer confessed, feeling the beginning pangs of guilt wash over her.

_I just made love to the most beautiful woman, and now I have to tell her I'm leaving her. I'm going to break her. This is all my fault._

Ashley pulled her blonde beauty into her side and wrapped her arms around her. "Just sleep baby. I love you so much, and tomorrow is a new beginning for us."

_I hope she still means that tomorrow_, Spencer thought, before closing her eyes to enjoy being in the warm arms of her lover, if only for the night.


	22. Chapter 22

The room was glowing red as Ashley slowly opened her eyes. In the corner of her room, on the small round table, sat her alarm clock; numbers glowing and staring back at Ashley in a dominating manner.

**3:26 am**

Turning her gaze back to her bed, Ashley realized she was alone.

Scanning her small living quarters, Ashley found her missing link sitting in the round chair, staring out the window into almost complete darkness. The red glow played off the blonde's face in the most solemn of ways.

"Spencer?" Ashley whispered into the night.

Ashley twisted her body, dangling her legs over the side of the bed, so she could face the girl before her.

"Spence?"

Craning her neck forward, propelling the rest of her body into an upright position, Ashley scuffed here way across the room toward her heart.

Spencer had not moved a muscle the entire time Ashley was waking up and calling out to her. She was lost in the darkness she stared into, and wasn't sure she wanted to come back out. She woke in a panic around 2 am, needing to put some physical distance between herself and Ashley. The guilt rushing over her body was almost too much to handle, with Ashley being so close to her. She crawled out of bed and took residence in the current chair, before losing herself in darkness.

Ashley was kneeled down in front of Spencer, one hand resting on the girl's knee as the other gripped the side of the chair for balance. She wasn't sure she was fully awake just yet, but she could tell Spencer was totally lost in the night.

"Spencer," Ashley breathed again, a little louder than before.

The voice rang loudly in Spencer's ears as she slowly dropped her eyes to the girl in front of her. Allowing a small, tentative grin to grace her lips, Spencer covered the hand on her knee with her own.

"Where did you go? I woke up alone and was afraid you'd left me."

The vulnerability in Ashley's voice shook Spencer to the core. She was starting to hate herself even more.

Reaching forward with her free hand, Spencer cradled the brunettes face in her palm, lightly running her thumb across her cheek.

"You are so beautiful," Spencer whispered, her voice breaking just slightly.

"Spence, you're starting to scare me a little here. Are you okay?"

Nodding her head, she clasped Ashley's hand pulling her toward her and into the chair she was occupying. Ashley moved slightly to adjust herself, and then settled down in the blonde's lap, allowing both arms to wrap around her lover's neck.

Spencer nuzzled into the neck of the girl in her arms and breathed deeply the scent of the woman she loved more every day.

"I will never walk out of your life again, Ash," Spencered murmured into the smaller girl's neck.

Ashley pulled away slightly, and ducked her head down, capturing the blonde's lips in a warm kiss. Sighing against her mouth, Ashley broke the kiss and started running her fingers through blonde locks.

Having no physical barriers between them, after their earlier activities, Spencer could feel Ashley's heat building against her legs. Against her better judgement, but not being able to stop, she leaned forward and took a firm nipple into her mouth, sucking softly, before raking her teeth across the hard nub.

Ashley moaned softly, pulling her lover closer to her, seeking as much contact as she could find.

Spencer found her hands with a mind of their own as they stroked down Ashley's sides, electricity sparking under her touch.

"God you make me lose all control," the blonde confessed, while exhaling warm puffs of air against her lover's chest.

"Then let go Spencer...let go and lose control in me."

Twisting her head against the brunette's chest in a tortured manner, Spencer ran a hand across the girl's thigh, scratching the skin as she went.

Ashley pulled herself forward and turned in Spencer's lap, effectively straddling the girl. She ran her fingers back through blonde locks, before settling down on the girl's lap.

"Spencer, look at me."

Looking up into pools of darkness, Spencer once again lost herself in the night. Maintaining her grip on the girl's hips, she slowly blinked away any doubts she had and focused on her lover.

"I need you, Spencer," Ashley whispered, before leaning down and touching her lips, in a featherlike manner, to those of her blonde beauty. "I need you inside me."

Groaning at the girl's confession, Spencer ran a hand down a delicate hip, across a thigh, and instantly entered Ashley with a slender middle finger.

Ashley leaned her forearms on the chairback behind Spencer's shoulders and slowly set the pace as she rose and fell on her lover's finger.

"Baby...more," she whispered into the blonde's ear. "I need more of you."

Wrapping one arm around the brunette, Spencer added another finger, and began to match her lover thrust, for thrust...all while pulling her body closer. She attached her lips to Ashley's collar bone and began leaving a wet trail across her lover's chest.

Ashley could feel stars shining behind her eyes as she crept closer to her climax. She locked her arms behind Spencer's neck and allowed her body to tremor in delight as she started to break loose.

Feeling her lover's body grasp her fingers over and over, Spencer curled them inside her and pushed her completely over the edge.

Slowly regaining her breath, Ashley pulled back slightly to capture Spencer's lips once again, in a deep kiss. Massaging the girl's tongue with her own, and relishing in the feel of her fingers still insider her as she came back down.

Ashley shivered as Spencer removed her fingers and felt her heart leap at Spencer's soft confession of, "I love you."

Standing up on wobbly legs, Ashley pulled the blonde with her, making her way back to the bed. Pulling Spencer down with her, she curled up next to her lover, tracing little patterns across Spencer's stomach.

"Ashley...I have to leave Memories."

All movement from the brunette ceased as she tried to process the words she thought she just heard.

_My world will not crash around me. This cannot be happening to me...again. She lied._

Looking over to the clock, Ashley stared at the red numbers threatening her.

**5:06 am**

Ashley sat up and moved away from Spencer shaking her head.

"You lied."

"No, Ashley...wait a second..."

"NO! You. Lied." Ashley seethed. "You lied...then you **fucked** me..."

"That is not what happened Ash, you know it. I love you. I most certainly did not just **fuck **you."

"Well what would you call it Spencer? You tell someone you'll never leave them, get what you want, and then go?"

"I know I should have said something before any of this happened..."

"Yeah, that would have been nice."

"...but you would have reacted the same way. I just need you to hear me out...please, Ash," Spencer begged, on the verge of breaking down.

Ashley, for her part, grew silent. She stared ahead at the wall over Spencer's shoulder and said nothing.

"People are finding out about us, Ash. If I don't go...I may lose my job," Spencer explained. "I don't care about my job, but my license is irreplaceable Ash...and dad offered me a position with him, at his office...so we can work on things once you finish your program. You only have 2 more weeks."

Ashley sat taking in every word Spencer was saying, and in reality, it all made perfect sense...but in her mind, she couldn't stop herself from feeling anger for not being told sooner.

Spencer reached forward and touched Ashley's arm, only to have her jerk away in an instant.

"Do not...touch me. Not now." Ashley pulled the comforter around her body and moved to the other side of her room.

"Ash..."

Ashley raised her hand, effectively cutting Spencer's pleas off before she could utter another word.

"You should go," Ashley stated with little emotion.

"Ashley, please."

Shaking her head, Ashley refused to back down, "You **really** should go...and now, before I lose myself completely, and I don't want to do that Spencer. I know I love you. I know this is best for you... but I feel broken...a-and...used...and...I just **need** to **not** be near you right now."

"Ashley, please...I love you..m-more than anything. Can we please talk about this...please?"

"How about we talk at 9 am, huh, Spence? That's my next 'session' with you," Ashley bitterly suggested.

Spencer's head dropped, as the weight of the situation sat on her shoulders.

Standing from her spot, she started moving about the room in a slow manner.

"Let me just get my things...and I'll go."

Placing a hand, tentatively on the blonde's forearm, Ashley whispered, "I still love you," without ever making any eye contact.

Spencer just nodded and headed into the bathroom to re-group before leaving a girl she wasn't sure would ever want to see her again.


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: All disclaimers are the same...I own nothing but the storyline. :) Hope everyone is well. Looking forward to your opinions and appreciate all those that you have shared to this point.**

Spencer quickly gathered her items and exited Ashley's room, only turning to look at the brunette as she pulled the door closed. She saw Ashley sitting cross legged on her bed, staring down at her hands, never once looking up to acknowledge her exit.

After leaving Ashley alone, Spencer found herself shuffling quickly and quietly through the halls to her office. Thankful that no one was up so early in the morning, she effortlessly made her way to her safe haven. Slowly slipping through the door, she found Kyla sitting at her desk writing in a notepad.

_Shit, I forgot she was still in here,_ Spencer thought.

Hearing the door shut, Kyla nearly jumped out of her chair.

"Damn Spencer, give a girl some warning next time. You scared the shit out of me."

"Sorry," Spencer muttered, never making eye contact with anything else but the gleaming floor.

"Wait a minute. Look at me Spencer," Kyla responded, getting up from her current position behind Spencer's desk and making her way to the meek looking girl in front of her.

Spencer raised her head to meet Kyla's eyes and saw the instant sigh from the girl in front of her.

"Why have you been crying? Sit down and tell me what is going on because this is NOT how your night together was supposed to end," Kyla demanded.

The tears started to stream down Spencer's face as she shook her head in regret and took a seat next to Kyla, sighing as she slumped forward with her face in her hands.

"People are starting to see things between your sister and me so I'm leaving the facility. I planned to tell Ashley first thing last night, but…but, one thing led to another, we fell asleep, and then this morning she was just so…I don't know…but the timing of me telling her was totally wrong, and now she thinks I used her after last night..."

"Okay, slow down girl. Bad timing, I get it, but you shouldn't have just left her in her room alone."

"She asked me to leave her alone, Kyla. She can't even look at me…" Spencer sobbed as the tears became more insistent.

Kyla rubbed her forehead, shaking her head at Spencer. "I get why you left Spencer, but why did you give in so easily? You should have stayed."

"I know," Spencer cried, "but I couldn't stay and watch her dissect our whole night together, chalking it up to just another one-night stand because of my weaknesses in telling her the truth beforehand."

The girls sat quietly for a little while before Kyla stood up and turned for the door, quickly making her way toward the hallway.

"Where are you…" Spencer began before the door to her office clicked shut, "…going."

Kyla jogged the halls back to her sister's room with the intention of fixing the situation before she had to head for home and a morning meeting.

Busting through Ashley's door, Kyla came to a stop and watched in silence as her sister sat crying on her bed…an open notebook in front of her, page covered in tears, and a pencil still resting between her fingers.

"Ash," Kyla started, "I'm so sorry you are hurting right now, but you have to know that Spencer's intentions were always good. She did NOT mean to hurt you. She just has piss-poor timing is all."

"I know."

"Then what the fu…"

"I just needed some time Kyla…I just NEED some time…to regroup and figure out how I feel about everything."

"Well, you have 2 hours, because I have to be out the door at 11:00 and I want at least 30 minutes with you to say goodbye before I head back," Kyla mused.

Ashley grinned, nodding at her sister in affirmation.

"I just wanted to write Kyla, clear my head…I mean, I made love to her, she told me she'd never walk out of my life again, and then turned around and said she's leaving because someone found out about our relationship. That's a lot to take in, in a short amount of time."

Kyla sighed, sitting next to her sister on her bed, reaching up to brush her hair out of her eyes, and dry her cheeks of any remaining tears.

"She is heartbroken right now, Ash. Just know she loves you, okay?"

"Okay," Ashley said, slumping into her sister to just revel in the closeness of her only real family.

5 hours later, after Ashley had spent time with her sister and then promptly shoved her out the door for home, she found herself alone at the piano in the great room. The rest of the facility, minus a few nurses and guards, were out at a family luau about 20 minutes down the beach.

Ashley sat in utter silence, running her delicate fingers over the keys in front of her. She knew she reacted poorly earlier that day, but she could admit she had trust issues since her last relationship worked out SO very well. She could also admit that she loved Spencer, and the thought of losing her scared her into near drug cravings. She couldn't allow that to happen, not now…not ever again.

Down the hall from where Ashley sat, Spencer chewed on the cap of her pen, trying to finish some documentation before leaving for the afternoon. She could hardly focus, her mind being consumed with thoughts of the feisty brunette she so badly wanted to hold again.

_God, Ashley, I'd hope you would know I would never intentionally hurt you_, Spencer thought.

Jotting down a few more quick notes, and placing the folders in her filing cabinet, the blonde retrieved her things and headed out the door, only stopping to lock her office.

Spencer quickly found a melody in the click of her shoes, but was surprised when that melody seemed to slowly fade out and into that of a piano.

_Someone must be playing_.

Making her way around the last corner and into the lounge, Spencer immediately recognized the curls in front of her. She crept slowly to the couch, next to the piano, and sat down, briefly making eye contact before doing so.

She locked eyes with Ashley once again and opened her mouth to speak when Ashley shook her head no and broke their stare to resume looking at the keys. Spencer could do nothing more than bow her head in guilt.

A few minutes of soft playing passed before Ashley spoke, so quietly that Spencer almost missed her words.

"No words…not right now."

Spencer simply nodded in understanding.

Ashley continued to stroke the ivory keys as Spencer sat back on the couch, never removing her eyes from the girl's hands in front of her.

Ashley found her voice somewhere during their time there and quietly started to hum the words she had quickly written earlier. The only light shone in from a window on the far side of the room, illuminating only the keys of the piano.

Quietly, the brunette allowed her words of truth to penetrate their quiet:

"_The best thing about tonight is that we're not fighting._

_Could it be that we have been this way before?_

_I know you don't think that I am trying,_

_I know you're wearing thin down to the core._

_But hold your breath, _

_Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you,_

_Over again…_

_Don't make me change my mind._

_I won't live to see another day I swear it's true,_

_Because a girl like you is impossible to find…you're impossible to find._

_This is not what I intended,_

_I always swore to you I'd never fall apart._

_You always thought that I was drunker, _

_I may have failed but I have loved you from the start,_

_Oh…_

Spencer rose from her seat and made her way over to the bench, sliding in next to Ashley, resting her hand on the brunette's thigh.

_But hold your breath,_

_Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you,_

_Over again…_

_Don't make me change my mind._

_I won't live to see another day I swear it's true,_

_Because a girl like you is impossible to find…it's impossible so..."_

"_Breathe in so deep…breathe me in…_

_I'm yours to keep_

_And hold onto your words_

'_cause talk is cheap_

_And remember me tonight_

_When you're asleep..._

"Every night, forever," Spencer whispered out.

_Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you,_

_Over again…_

_Don't make me change my mind,_

_Or I won't live to see another day I swear it's true,_

_Because a girl like you is impossible to find…_

_Tonight will be the night I will fall for you,_

_Over again…._

_Don't make me change my mind._

_I won't live to see another day I swear it's true,_

_Because a girl like you is impossible to find…impossible to find."_

Ashley sat staring at the keys in front of her, her chest rising and falling at a rapid pace. She could feel tears silently making their way down her cheeks, but she couldn't bring herself to meet Spencer's gaze just yet. She needed to just breathe for a minute.

Spencer sat staring at the beautiful profile next to her, but didn't make a move for nearly five minutes, until she reached forward to catch a falling tear on her finger. She then leaned forward, pressing her lips to Ashley's ear in a soft kiss before whispering: "I'm sorry."

Ashley barely shook her head, but Spencer nodded, placing another kiss on the spot behind her ear.

"I love you, and I'm sorry I didn't handle things better," the blonde whispered, still resting her forehead against the brunette's cheek.

Ashley slowly turned to meet the blue eyes she fell in love with so many years ago, a soft sigh escaping her when she allowed their foreheads to rest against one another.

"I'm sorry, too," Ashley admitted. "I love you so much that I'm scared of where we go from here."

Spencer could hear the fear in her lover's voice and it broke her heart.

"You continue being successful with your sobriety, and I continue loving you until you come back to me," Spencer answered.

Ashley remained where she was, with eyes closed, and softly nodded her head in agreement. She then shifted slightly to capture the blonde's lips in a soft, warm, tear-filled kiss.

Spencer sighed into the kiss, reveling in the feel of Ashley's warm tongue running against hers in the slowest, most sensual manner. She couldn't help but run a hand across the girl's cheek, enjoying touching her in the simplest way.

The kiss ended much sooner than she wanted, but Ashley pulled back, worried someone would see them as they were sitting in such an open room.

"I don't want someone to see us, Spencer. I don't want you to risk losing everything because of me."

"I would gladly give up everything for you, Ashley, I hope you know that."

A small smile graced Ashley's lips at hearing Spencer's simple words of commitment.

_Me too, _she thought, _me too._

Song is Secondhand Serenade's "Fall for you."


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N: Thanks, yet again, to those that read and review...and to those that read and lurk. I'm a bit of both, so I get it! :) I appreciate you all hanging in here through my bit of inconsistent posting, but life gets in the way sometimes. I'm happy, and sad, to say that this story will slowly be making it's way to an end. Probably only 4 or 5 more chapters...but I am enjoying every minute of it still. **

**Disclaimer: Own nothing but the idea...everything else is all NOT mine. **

Minutes turned into hours….hours turned into days before Ashley saw Spencer on a one-on-one level again. She understood the why's behind Spencer's leaving her position at Memories, but that didn't mean she had to like it…nor would she.

Ashley made her way down the hallway in search of Spencer's office. She had been a resident of Memories for 42 days now, and she only had 48 more to go before she could begin her life all over again, outside the walls of the facility. She knew it scared her to think about living in the "real world" again, but by regaining a focus, Ashley had all the faith in the world that she would succeed.

Approaching the all-too-familiar wooden door, Ashley knocked twice before entering at Spencer's invitation.

"Hey you," the blonde said smiling, standing from behind her desk to approach the recently entered brunette. "Are you ready for our 'last' session together?"

Ashley grinned and nodded in the affirmative, before wrapping her arms around Spencer's waist and pulling her into a warm hug.

Ashley pulled back, releasing her love, and sat back in the chair in front of Spencer's desk. She sat stoic, just watching Spencer make her way back around to sit behind her desk.

As Spencer took her seat, she couldn't help but wonder about Ashley's rather quiet demeanor.

"Ash, are you doing alright? I mean…is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's fine. Why?"

"Well, you just seem really quiet and a little closed off…I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

Ashley nodded her head and shrugged lightly, "Yeah, I'm good I guess. I mean, there's a lot getting ready to change for me…or for us, rather…so I guess I'm just feeling a little lost right now."

Spencer frowned a little before looking back into the abyss of Ashley's eyes.

"How are your coping? How are your cravings?"

Ashley turned away to briefly gaze outside before shrugging her answer.

"Ash, I need you talk to me right now baby…"

"What do you want me to say that you don't already know the answer to, Spencer? I mean, come on…we both know the cravings suck right now for me, and that I'm dealing as best I can."

Spencer was taken aback by Ashley's blunt, and rather forceful, answer.

"I'm sorry, Ash. I know you are struggling right now with my move and the change in things between us…"

"What exactly is between us, Spencer? I mean, I get it all, trust me…I understand why you are going…but what does that leave for us? 48 days of solitude is what I see right now. I want to see the big picture, but I'm having a little trouble seeing past this cluster we have right in front of us…right now."

Ashley had gotten up from her seat and was now pacing back and forth in front of Spencer's desk, wringing her hands as she walked; a tell-tale sign of a craving at work. Spencer couldn't help but sigh in defeat at the sight in front of her.

"I love you…" Spencer whispered out.

Ashley stopped mid-stride and turned to look at Spencer with tears in her eyes at the sound of her fragile voice.

"Do you really? I mean…really, truly…love me?"

Spencer raised her head to meet Ashley's questioning eyes before standing and slowly making her way around the desk to come to a stop in front of the girl she would die for.

"I am **SO** in love with you Ashley. I love you more than anything, or anyone, in my life, and I cannot imagine what the next 48 days are going to be like…but I don't plan on giving up on you, or us, for one minute of those 69,120 minutes we're going to be apart."

Ashley stood dumbstruck at the blonde's answer. So she did the only thing that made sense, she started laughing.

"What's so funny?" Spencer asked, feeling a little hurt.

"No, it's nothing…it's just…how did you add up those minutes so fast?"

"Do you think you're the only one counting down until the day we can truly be together?"

When Ashley didn't respond, Spencer tilted her head and reached a hand forward to stroke her arm.

Ashley stepped forward into Spencer's space and placed a hand on each of the blonde's hips, effectively meshing their bodies together as one.

Spencer's breath hitched at the intimate contact and warmth that Ashley's body brought to her, and allowed her eyes to flutter shut momentarily while she regained her composure.

Swallowing the butterflies that were trying to escape from her belly, Spencer opened her eyes and stared at her beautiful girlfriend.

"I know you want guarantees right now Ash, and believe me, if I could write you a guarantee and have it notarized, I would…but what I can give you is my word."

"And what is your word, Dr. Carlin?"

Spencer sighed at the feeling of Ashley being so close to her. She could almost taste the warmth of her breath on her lips. Leaning slightly toward the brunette, she captured her lips and allowed herself that moment to memorize every curve of her lover's lips and tongue.

Breaking apart for air, Spencer continued to caress Ashley's cheek while she regained her composure yet again.

"I will wait for you, Ash. That is my word. Every second, every hour, every day…I will wait for you."

Ashley could feel her heart pounding in her chest as the weight of Spencer's words sunk in…her words were a guarantee that she was starting to see.

"I will come back to you, Spencer. I'll be well, and healthy, and hotter than ever," Ashley smirked.

Spencer released her brunette beauty and started walking toward her office door. As soon as her hand touched the doorknob Ashley froze, wondering what she had done.

"Where are you going Spencer?"

"Nowhere, just locking my office."

Ashley's brows rose in amusement, "Why are you locking the door, Spence?"

"Because I don't want any interruptions during your last session with me, Ash."

Spencer allowed her legs to carry her back to Ashley and grabbed her lover's hand, pulling her over toward the couch.

"What is the session supposed to be about?" Ashley asked, as she followed her girlfriend to the couch, never relinquishing hold of her hand.

"Well, I'm not sure it's so much a "session," as it is just time for us to be here, with each other."

"Oh."

"Oh? That's all you have to say?" Spencer mused.

"What do you want me to say, Doc?"

"How about, 'thanks Spence'?"

"Okay. Thanks, Spence….so, what am I thanking you for, exactly?" Ashley prodded.

"For setting up this time for you to make love to your girlfriend before she leaves for a little while," Spencer stated, as serious as she could.

Ashley nearly choked on Spencer's words, before quickly grabbing the blonde and pulling her down on top of her on the couch.

Fusing their lips together, Ashley sighed into the feeling of Spencer's warm mouth covering her own.

"Mmmm…" Ashley moaned into her lover's mouth before pulling back just slightly, "Thank you, love. Thank you for this time."

Spencer giggled, placing small kisses down Ashley's neck.

"You're welcome, baby. Now, no more talking…we only have 90 minutes."


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N: We're nearing the end here folks. I'm loving it. Hoping to have it all wrapped up, with a bow on top, before I head back out to Cali at the end of the month. :) I appreciate, SO MUCH, the comments that I received. jbs10...you've been so consistent...thank you! Hotcutii... you too! I appreciate the feedback. Anyone else that has commented, trust me, every single word you write to me is read, re-read, and taken to heart... so thank you! Here's the next 90 minutes of these girls' lives...enjoy! **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I wish I did, but the only thing that's mine is the storyline. **

**Ashley's POV:**

**(thoughts in italics)**

_90 minutes…_

_5400 seconds…_

_I can remember being in school, thinking 90 minutes would just drag on, and on, and on…_

…_but this isn't school…and 90 minutes will never drag on long enough._

_I can feel her fingers sliding down my sides, begging to break my shirt's current barrier…but they never have to beg…she can always have every piece of me._

_Her breath is so warm and sweet on my neck as she relishes in the control she currently has over me, but that control won't last for very long. We both know I need that control. In a life of chaos, I need what little control I can get…and she'll gladly relinquish it to me. But for now, I like having her weight bearing down on me, pinning me to this couch, covering me, consuming me…completing me._

_Her fingers slide delicately back up my sides, taking my shirt with them, and I gladly lean forward just slightly so she can remove it, dropping it softly off to the side somewhere._

_Her eyes are focused all over me, jumping from my eyes, to my lips, to my stomach, to my lace-covered breasts, and back to my face._

"You are so beautiful Ash," Spencer whispers out emotionally, as she continues to run her fingertips over my stomach.

"I love you so much Spencer."

_It doesn't take any encouragement on my part as she leans forward to engage me in one of the deepest kisses I've ever experienced. Her tongue is soft and warm against mine, as she slowly massages and sucks the tip into her mouth. I can feel my senses coming undone when she nips by bottom lip then flicks it lightly with her tongue before moving down my neck to my collarbone and breastbone. _

"I need you so badly right now, Ash."

"You can have me…all of me…but not while wearing so much clothing," I smirked.

_She sits backs on her legs, effectively straddling me and keeping me pinned in place while she runs her shirt up and over her head, allowing it to come to rest on the floor right next to mine. Her hands immediately shoot around to her back as she releases the clasp on her bra and allows the straps to slowly slide down her arms. _

_I can't help but to reach forward and cover her hands with my own._

"Let me do that, beautiful."

_I toss the offending garment to the side and notice she already has mine undone and is removing it as well._

"So fucking gorgeous, Ash," Spencer whispers as she leans forward to immediately encompass a firm nipple with her mouth.

_Her mouth is so warm and wet around me. I can feel her suckling, every once in a while nipping the tip with her teeth, only to suckle again and ease the slight pain…the slight pain that feels so good._

_Her hands are so soft on my skin as she runs them across my sides, causing a heat to roar inside of me, flushing to my core. _

_She's moved to my other breast now and is giving it the same treatment as the first. I can't help but watch her as she sucks my nipple into her mouth over and over again. Dazed by her ministrations, I failed to realize she's popped the button on my jeans and has the zipper almost completely down. Maybe I'll let her keep control just a little while longer._

_She's released my nipple with a wet pop and is rising up to straddle me, pulling me into a sitting position with her._

"Swing your legs over and put your feet on the floor, baby."

_How can I say no to that? I can't…so I keep her on my lap as I sit up with my back against the couch and am rewarded with another deep kiss._

_  
She kisses her way down to my neck and slides her hands just inside the sides of my jeans, pulling me slightly to silently ask me to raise up. I watch her slide down to the floor, kneeling in front of me, while taking my jeans along with her to the floor. _

_She smiles up at me when she realizes I've foregone panties today._

"Were you expecting this today, Ash?"

"Not at all, baby…just like to go without sometimes."

"Mmmm…I'm glad you did," Spencer says before running her fingers up the insides of my thighs.

_Her kisses are soft and wet as she moves up my thighs to the pool she's soon to find. I'm not sure I can wait much longer either. Her velvet tongue on my inner thigh is intoxicating._

"I can't wait to taste you Ashley. You smell so sweet right now," Spencer confesses as she runs her nose over the top of my mound. _God she's so hot to watch._

"Then taste me, Spence. I want to feel your tongue lapping against me."

_She obviously needed no other invitation as I can feel her breath puff against my clit and she runs her tongue up the entire length of my slit._

_Oh God help me…_

**NO POV:**

Spencer continued to pull Ashley closer into her mouth as she wrapped her lips around her lover's engorged clit. She suckled very softly, just to continue working Ashley into frenzy, but not allowing her to get any closer to the edge of coming undone.

Spencer could feel Ashley's fingers threading through her hair, only slightly putting any pressure on the back of her head to keep her in place.

Pulling back slightly, tugging on Ashley's clit with her teeth, Spencer soothed the girl over and over with her flat tongue. Sliding down a bit lower, she circled her lover's entrance with her tongue, eliciting a soft groan from the brunette.

Wasting no more time, Spencer eased her tongue inside of her love and started a slow and steady rhythm…causing Ashley to grip her head even tighter, pulling her as deep as she could. She loved twisting inside of her, being able to feel every bit of Ashley gripping her tongue, as she probed deeper and deeper.

"Oh god, Spence….mmmm…please don't stop."

Spencer slowly withdrew her tongue and quickly replaced it with two fingers, continuing to push deeper and harder inside of Ashley. She watched her fingers sliding in and out in such a delicious manner before leaning forward to flick her tongue of her lover's clit once more.

Ashley pulled at Spencer's hair, motioning for her to come up closer to her so she could kiss her and the blonde happily obliged. She could taste herself on Spencer's tongue and couldn't ignore the way her heartbeat sped up at the level of intimacy.

As much as Ashley wanted Spencer to continue pumping inside of her, she could feel herself closing in on her orgasm and didn't want to cum alone…so she covered Spencer's working hand with her own and stilled her movements, gaining a questioning look from Spencer.

"You are still wearing too much, Spence…and I want us to cum together this time," Ashley panted out.

Spencer smiled slyly before removing her fingers in a slow and torturous manner, and stood in front of Ashley removing her own pants and underwear in one swift motion.

"God, Spencer! Could you be any sexier right now?"

Spencer administered her signature head tilt and sucked on her bottom lip before sliding back onto Ashley's lap, effectively leaving the brunette speechless.

Spencer leaned into Ashley, resting her hands on the back of the couch behind the brunette's shoulders and slowly started to grind her body down into her lover.

"This position feels a little familiar, Spence…just reversed."

Spencer nodded her head with a shy smile, "I know, it's just…God, you were so hot on top of me like this."

Ashley could feel her breath starting to pick up as Spencer continued to grind into her lap.

"As hot as you look right now, it's going to be hard for us to fully make this work to our advantage Spence…uhnn….I need you to…"

"You need me to what, Ash?"

"God…I need you to turn around baby…"

Spencer eased herself off the brunette's lap and turned herself around, placing herself right back down on Ashley's lap, but wasn't expecting the immediate invasion.

Ashley was prepared when Spencer lowered herself onto her lap and immediately slid two fingers inside the blonde.

"You are so wet…" Ashley whispered into the blonde's ear.

Spencer's breath caught in her throat repeatedly as she allowed her legs to fall the side of Ashley's, as spread as she could manage, while she continued to impale herself on the brunette's fingers.

Ashley wrapped an arm around Spencer's waist to assist in her movements, while placing kisses across the blonde's shoulder.

Spencer regained her thoughts and reached forward, between her own legs, to run her fingers through Ashley's wetness.

She quickly entered the girl with 2 fingers and matched her own current rhythm on Ashley's fingers so she could keep them in time.

It wasn't long before ragged breaths were replaced with quiet moans and groans, and then the uncontrollable shaking and lurching of both bodies.

Ashley bit down on her lover's shoulder as she climaxed, and Spencer tossed her head back gripping Ashley's thigh with her free hand as she fell over the edge as well.

Ashley laid her head back on the couch as Spencer laid her head back on the girl's shoulder behind her…both exhausted from the past 42 minutes.

"That was…incredible…Ashley."

"Mmm, I know, but I'm just missing one thing," Ashley responded, slowly sliding the blonde off her lap and on the couch next to her.

Spencer watched, dumbfounded, as Ashley slid off the couch and in-between her legs, immediately running her tongue the full length of her slit.

"Oh God…Ash wait…I'm still really sensitive."

"Mmm, I know…but I had to taste you. Just let me clean you up," Ashley said, as she resumed her activities.

The brunette sucked Spencer's lips into her mouth, first the left side, then the right, before running a flattened tongue from her opening to her clit.

Spencer's hips involuntarily bucked forward into the brunette's face, and Ashley reached up to hold the girl in place while she consumed every last drop of Spencer that she could.

Sliding a thumb down to lightly massage the girl's clit, Ashley slid her tongue inside the blonde and sucked lightly to drink every drop of her she could. After removing her tongue, she took the girl's bundle of nerves between her teeth and continually ran a soothing tongue over the sensitive spot again, and again…until she heard Spencer whimper, then fully relax into the couch.

Ashley was rewarded with another pool of liquid and softly cleaned the girl again before resuming her spot on the couch and pulling the blonde down on top of her so she could lay with her lover once more.

"I'm not going to be able to walk now Ash, thanks," Spencer whispered into the brunette's neck.

Ashley grinned and placed a lingering kiss on the blonde's forehead, "Me either Spence, but it was totally worth it."

"Completely…now can you hand me my cell phone please?"

Ashley reached over the side of the couch, digging in the blonde's pants pockets, finding her cell phone for her.

"Who are you calling?"

"The head nurse. I want her to cancel my afternoon appointments. I plan on just lying here with you for the next hour, regardless."

Ashley smiled and listened as Spencer cleared her schedule, finally feeling a guarantee being signed and sealed in her heart.

"I love you," Ashley whispered.

Spencer smiled, hanging up the phone, and placed a lingering kiss on her lover's mouth before resuming her spot on the girl's chest.

"I love you too, Ash."


	26. Chapter 26

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A/N: Thanks again, to Hotcutii and jbs10, for the reviews. You two just may be the only readers I have left...and that's okay. I write because it's what I like to do...and this is my first attempt at fanfiction...so I appreciate your feedback along the way. (I think I may have even worked myself up a bit on that last chapter..haha). Only 2 more left, for sure...possibly 3...then we may need to think about a sequel...but I don't want to get ahead of myself. As always, don't be afraid to let me know what you think...enjoy...

**Disclaimer: I don't own SoN, but I do own the storyline here...so leave it be, if you don't mind. **

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_**Day 51:**_

_Well, it's been about a week since Spencer left Memories. I haven't fully adjusted to her being gone, but I'm dealing with her absence day by day. I guess that's part of the reason why I haven't written in here in so long. I guess, at first, it was because I was preoccupied with her being here, and now it's because of adjusting to her being gone. Regardless, I will probably be writing a little more._

_The last day we spent "together" was incredible. Making love to her takes me higher than any drug I could ever dream of doing. I was scared, at first, that once she left me things would just fade between us but I don't feel that way at all now. That time we spent together solidified my feelings for her, and the way I KNOW she feels about me. It's love…pure and simple…love._

_The cravings have died down to almost nothing. Granted, I know they're still there, but I've really found that writing helps dull the ache. (You should see the lyrics I have!) I was afraid what Spencer's leaving would do for my sobriety, but if anything, it's just made me want to get better even more._

_Speaking of sobriety, I'm happy to say that I am 51 days sober and will be jetting from here at 90 days. That's just around the corner. 39 days…just over a month. I can do that. My new counselor is pretty awesome…not like that last jackass…the one SOLELY responsible for the love of my life needing to leave this place. Nah, she's NOTHING like that asshole. Ha ha. She is quite a bit older, but her clarity about life is infectious. I know we're going to stay in touch once I leave here. _

_Kyla is coming in 2 weeks…we're having a "family day," similar to what they did last time. I'm excited to see that bitch again. My relationship with her means so much more important to me now than I ever dreamed possible. I promised myself I would never take advantage of that again. Plus, she was a huge part of getting Spencer and me together. So I guess I kind of owe her!_

_I guess I'll leave things here for now…gotta continue working on my lyrics so I can start recording after I leave here._

_A_

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_**Day 66:**_

_Hello, again…hello. ____ It's been longer than I planned…oopsie._

_Kyla just walked out the door…LITERALLY. Ha ha. We had the best time this weekend. We decided I need to start thinking about buying a new place when I get out of Memories, so she's going to start looking around for me. I told her if she finds something she knows I would like, she could go ahead and buy it…but NO DECORATING! I'm screwed._

_She brought me a letter from Spencer…I nearly fell out of my bed when she handed it over to me. I knew she wouldn't be able to write, but that is so awesome of her to send something with my sister. It included a picture of the 2 of us she must have taken with her cell phone when we fell asleep on the couch in her office the day before she left. She's kissing my jaw and I am completely asleep. It's perfect. Anyway, she's doing well. She misses me, loves me, and is counting down the days until we'll be together again. She told me, "Dad is having a bar-b-que the day you are released, so you and Kyla are coming straight over here from Memories. I can't wait to hear the doorbell, see your face, hug you, kiss you, and make love to you again. My world is a little darker when you're not around." Isn't she just great? I mean, really…and Mr. C: hell of a guy!_

_Anyway, only 24 more days until my life begins outside these walls. I'm hoping Kyla will find a place suitable for me and my baby girl. I mean, I haven't talked with Spencer about the details, but I'm really hoping she'll move in with me. I've been away from her for far too long now, I don't want to endure that kind of heartache again. We went years, were reunited…and I'll be damned if we go any longer than the 24 days we currently have left._

_  
Am I whipped?_

_Don't answer that…_

_A_

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_**Day 70:**_

_Oh man, oh man, oh man. Remember Dr. Dean? The asshole, shit-stirring, doctor that basically threatened Spencer with me? Yeah, well he's in deeeeeeeep shiznit._

_Apparently, he has been having a bit of an inappropriate relationship himself. They arrested him today for something involving James, the 14 year old boy that was brought to Memories for his addiction to pain killers. Oops. My relationship with Spencer looks GREAT now. The bad press is already starting and some big money backers are threatening to pull their support. What a mess that guy's in. I told you he was building some bad Karma._

_I spoke with my counselor about their funding today and she expressed to me that they have some major backers that have already pulled their support from the facility. Man, people just don't get that you can't judge the entire puzzle on one little piece. So, I did the only thing I could think to do. I wrote a check. I told Jeanie to keep it anonymous, but to make sure they knew it wouldn't be the only one they receive over the next few years. I just expected to be invited back to play sometimes, so I could see how much they are continuing to do for those around them. _

_There's nothing wrong with building some good Karma for myself, right?!_

_A_

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_**Day 84:**_

_Soooo, it's been 2 weeks since my last entry. I know, I know. I'm a horrible journal keeper-upper. My bad._

_My sessions have been going very well. Dr. Hamilton (Jeanie) has been a god-send, truly. Sometimes, she just pops over on her day off, just to say hi and see how I'm doing. She's also gotten me into Yoga. After all the shit I gave Kyla about her damn Yoga…I guess we'll be doing it together sometime soon. Ha ha. It's a great stress reliever, and it has truly helped me relax and stay focused on re-building my life. Who would've thunk it, right? That damn Kyla is a lot smarter than I ever gave her credit for, but don't you dare tell her that…I'll never hear the end of it; "I told you it was great Ash. You should have listened to me, Ash," blah, blah, blah. Ha ha._

_Speaking of the little troll, I did talk to Kyla a couple days ago. She said she had lunch with Spencer (those 2 are getting awfully buddy-buddy these days) and took her by the place she found for me. I haven't seen it yet, but we are going to go by and see it after I come home. She also said that Spencer's new job is going very well, and is leaving her plenty of free time that she hopes I take up soon. ____ God, I love that girl._

_I'm starting to pack up some of my stuff, piece by piece, as I'm going to be going home in 6 days. WOW…only 6 more days. It's hard to believe my time here is coming full-circle already. I feel like a totally different person. Actually, I pretty much AM a totally different person…and I am so thankful for that._

_Kyla is c__oming to get me on Saturday morning. We have a final group session at 9am that morning and then I'm home free!! WOOOOOO-HA!_

_Until then..._

_A_

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_**Day 89:**_

_This is the last one for you…one of these days this book will fall in the wrong hands and I'll end up seeing excerpts in US Weekly. Maybe I'll burn you when I get home…you know, for complete closure. Only after I allow Spencer to read you…then it's into the flames!! Ha ha._

_Kyla will be here in t-minus 6 hours and counting. I'm obviously having trouble sleeping. I told Kyla to be here at 8 so we could throw my bags in her car and sign me out before the last group session. That way, once it was all said and done, we could be rightfully on our way._

_Spencer, I can't wait to see you baby. I've missed you so much these past weeks. Dreaming about you at night has kept me comfortable and safe. Knowing I will see you in less than a day now causes my heart to try and escape from my chest. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone, Spence. I can't wait to spend my every waking day with you._

_This is it kids…tomorrow is a new day, and a new life. I'M 90 DAYS SOBER NOW!!_

_PEACE!_

_A_

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Ashley placed her pen down inside her journal and closed it, placing it inside her favorite backpack.

_This time tomorrow, I'll be lying in my blonde beauty's arms again…and back in the real world…sober._

Leaning back on her bed with her hands folded behind her head, Ashley closed her eyes in an attempt to sleep away the remaining five and a half hours of time before she officially signed herself out of rehab and back into reality. She smiled big and soon fell asleep, unknowing of how truly special the next 24 hours would be for her.


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N: Thanks again for all of the reviews. And for those that came out of the wordwork to review, thanks...but you SO didn't have to give up your lurker persona...so head on back in! I'm a lurker...so much respect! Glad you all have enjoyed this. Only a couple chapters left. I'm heading to LA soon so I'm hoping to wrap it up before Halloween. HOPING...but life is busy as usual. At any rate, thanks again for all the comments...means a lot. We've still got another reunion to go here (duh!) and it's been a while since they've seen each other...so I'm sure it may be a little naughty. heehee. xoxo**

**Disclaimer: no change...SoN isn't mine, just the idea behind this little story here.**

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Ashley rolled out of bed at the sound of her alarm, the red numbers shining brighter than they ever seemed before.

7:15am

She had 45 minutes to get showered, dressed, and tie up any loose ends before Kyla would be barreling through her door ready to drag her back into the real world. Truth be told though, Ashley couldn't think of a better person to walk with back into real life. Not just real life anymore either, but her NEW life. She smiled at her thoughts, before grabbing her robe and heading for the bathroom.

7:36am

Ashley emerged from the bathroom; teeth brushed, makeup in place, hair in a towel drying, and robe hanging slightly open, ready to be discarded for the day's clothes. She couldn't help but smile as she tossed the robe on the bed and slid into her jeans and black t-shirt.

She turned back to the bathroom, taking the towel from her head as she went, and proceeded to finish doing her hair. After drying it almost completely, and adding some light product, her curls were perfect for the day's events.

7:52am

Ashley was finishing up in her room when the door burst open, revealing a smirking, balloon-holding, Kyla.

"Happy last day of rehab, sucker!!"

Ashley couldn't help the laughter that began billowing from her chest. The balloons were all different colors of the rainbow and had "Happy Last Day of Rehab" printed on each side. Kyla was definitely a force to be reckoned with!

She jumped up from her place in front of her bag and pulled her sister into a strong hug.

"Thanks betch! I can't believe you brought me these rainbow balloons with THAT printed on them," Ashley laughed.

"It's like your own pride parade," Kyla reasoned. "I'm the parade for you, and I'm proud of what you've become…so enjoy it, you ungrateful shit."

Ashley burst out into another fit of laughter before tying the balloons to the back of a chair and pulling Kyla to sit on the edge of her bed.

8:04am

"So how are you feeling, Ash? Are you ready to go home and see Spennnnncerrrr?"

Kyla earned a quick slap on the arm for her teasing and leaned back on her hands giggling as her sister talked.

"I'm feeling great. I am **so** ready to go home, but a little nervous as well. You know what I mean?"

Kyla reached forward, placing a hand on Ashley's arm, "You're going to be great sis…so don't even worry about that. I will be here by your side every step of the way, so falling off the wagon is no option!"

Ashley smiled before getting up and pulling her fiery sister with her.

"Well, enough of this idle chit-chat. Let's get my stuff thrown in the car and sign me out before our last group session. I wanna be ready to go when it's time to leave."

The girls headed out of the room and down the hallway with Ashley's bags slung over their shoulders and her balloons trailing close behind. They headed out the front doors and Ashley paused for a minute just to breathe deep and relish in her new-found freedom.

Kyla threw the bags in the back seat of the Porsche and threw the keys to her sister.

"Here you go girl. I thought you'd want to see your baby, so I brought her today…and she is ready for you to drive her again."

"Thanks Ky," Ashley responded, slipping the keys in her pocket before heading back to the front desk to sign out.

Ashley sidled up to the desk and began signing the papers the attendant had laying out for her, and glanced up at the digital clock on the wall…

8:48am

_Only 12 more minutes until we start the long goodbye_, Ashley thought.

Kyla looped her arm through her sister's and started heading off in the direction of the dining hall. The staff had decided on a send-off from there, so they moved tables out of the way to set up lines of chairs, and placed a podium at the front of the hall for various speakers.

As the girls took their seats near the back, as usual, Kyla took a minute to truly study Ashley's face.

"You look so healthy and content, Ash. Are you nervous at all?"

"What's there to be nervous about, Ky? It's just another day, I mean…maybe it's the start of a new life for me and all…but it's just another day," Ashley giggled.

Kyle bumped her shoulder, giggling along with her sister.

"You know what I mean, dork."

Ashley nodded her head, knowing exactly what her sister was saying, but didn't respond as the head doctor at Memories took his place behind the podium and started addressing the crowd.

The lights were dimmed in the dining hall, except for those at the front near the podium, shining a ray of hope down on those speaking.

As several different people took their spots in front of the podium, then returned to their respective seats, Ashley started to fidget a little, before reaching in her back pocket for a folded piece of paper.

"Ashley Davies?"

Kyla turned, somewhat confused, to her sister and watched as the brunette stood up and headed for the podium herself.

Ashley played with her paper, before looking out at the filled seats and smiling when she locked eyes with her beaming sister.

_Breathe Davies, you are in front of people all the time…just do what you gotta do._

Ashley took a deep breath and sighed out into the microphone…

"So, a priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar…," Ashley began.

The people sitting in the crowd busted out laughing as Ashley smiled and became comfortable in her skin.

"I hope it's not too soon for bar jokes Doc," Ashley said, turning to look at her current counselor, who shook her head and smiled.

"I'm Ashley Davies, and today…I'm 90 days sober," Ashley started. "I wrote this little 'speech' down for today, but I don't think I'm going to follow it anymore. If there's one thing I've learned since being here…besides how to remain sober…it's how to speak from my heart; how to speak without a script," Ashley stated.

"I've led a privileged life that I took for granted, not really knowing what it meant to live. I write music and perform for a living…a living that I really don't need to 'work' for, but always felt better doing so. My dad was a rock star, so it's easy to blame my bad habits on inheritance…after all, he did the same things…but I am no longer placing blame. I'm fixing my mistakes, righting my wrongs, and moving forward," Ashley professed.

The brunette's eyes rose from her sister's and scanned the room. She almost thought, for a second, that she saw blonde locks shaded by the shadows in the back corner, but chalked it up to wishful thinking and continued with her speech.

"My sister was the driving force in helping me get my life back, so Kyla…thank you so much. If it weren't for you, there's no telling where I would be today. I also have to thank Doctor Hamilton for her continued support and help through the days I've been through. I think she'll tell you I've come a long way as well," Ashley smiled over to her doctor. "Thanks for helping me open up and feel comfortable in my own skin again, Doc. I'm sure you'll enjoy the late night phone calls you'll still receive once I'm outta here."

Dr. Hamilton laughed out loud, shaking her head at Ashley's continued antics. She truly was a survivor, and the doctor couldn't be more proud of her accomplishments.

"Before I go, I just want to say that Memories will be nothing but, just that, a memory…in my future. But, it will be a memory I hold on to with great force, because I got my life back inside these walls, and so much more. I will be forever grateful, and I will be back here again in 90 days to proclaim my 180th day of sobriety!" Ashley raised her coin in the air and the people who were listening so intently broke into applause.

Ashley smiled, looking at the back of the room again as a door slowly closed near the shadows. Ashley took a breath to slow her racing heart at the thought of the door closing.

"That was a fucking kick-ass speech sister!"

"Yeah, well, like I said…you can't live and speak by a script…you know? It's gotta come from here," Ashley confessed, pointing to her chest.

"From your boobs? Real nice Ash."

Ashley laughed, pulling her sister over to meet Dr. Hamilton before heading out of the doors and into the sunshine.

"Ready to go rock star?"

"Absolutely," Ashley said, pulling out her keys and slipping into the driver's seat of her much missed car.

"To the Carlin house, driver."

Ashley nodded her head and smirked as she pulled away from the curb and onto the highway.

She was headed home, to a new life, as a new person…with a heart full and waiting for Spencer.

"To the Carlin's," Ashley agreed. "I'm assuming you know how to get there from here…"

"Oh…umm…yeah," Kyla stuttered. "Just keep driving toward the city, and I'll call Spencer for the address so the Garmin will get us there."

Ashley just laughed, happy to be back in the real world, back with her sister, and back to her old self.

"We'll wing it little sis…don't bother with Spencer just yet."

11:56am

"We've got all the time in the world now, Kyla. We'll get there eventually."


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N: Well...we're getting there...so close. Only 2 more chapters to go. I was hoping to wrap things up before heading to the west coast on Friday, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. Sorry guys. Thanks so much for the reviews. Means alot to know people have/are enjoying this story. I've had a good time writing it. Take care all, and enjoy...**

**Disclaimer: Same as every chapter before. Nothing is mine but the storyline.**

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It had been 90 days since Ashley walked, in a fog, through the doors of Memories, and now…here she was, driving through the suburban neighborhoods of LA with her life back and under control. She could hardly process the thoughts without a smile encompassing her face. Things in her life, for once, felt okay.

Kyla hung up her phone and punched Ashley's shoulder before snickering at herself.

"Ow, Ky…what the hell was that for?"

"You were all zoned out and shit, and you're the one driving. I don't need to be mangled in a wreck because you can't keep your mind off of seeing Spencer."

"Oh shut up. I was NOT thinking about Spencer, for your information."

"Uh-huh…okay," Kyla responded, with a smirk on her face.

"But since you brought her up, did you get the address?"

"Yeah, Martha will take us there."

Ashley glanced sideways at her sister with a look of confusion.

"Who the hell is Martha?"

"The lady inside the Garmin™. I figured she should have a name…so Martha it is."

Ashley almost had to pull the car over, she was laughing so hard. She continued to laugh, wipe the tears from her face, and manage to follow "Martha's" directions, as Kyla sat with her arms crossed and pouting in the passenger's seat.

"Oh stop pouting you big baby," Ashley laughed.

Kyla scoffed, and turned to look out the window, partially hiding the grin trying to make its way to her face.

Ashley's giggling subsided and she leaned over to pat her sister's hand and gain her attention.

"So, Kyla? Umm…I really appreciate you staying in such close contact with Spencer over the past few weeks."

"No thanks necessary, Ash. Spencer and I have a lot in common, actually, so we've really developed a great friendship."

Ashley grinned, nodding her head in understanding. "I'm glad to hear that."

"Plus, I figured…if that betch is going to be around more now, I might as well get to know her," Kyla shrugged nonchalantly.

Ashley laughed again, before smacking her sister's arm, receiving a knowing smile in return.

The car slowed to a stop at the curb in front of a beautiful brownstone home.

"4688. This is it, Ash."

Ashley nodded her head, but didn't follow her sister out of the car.

"Are you coming, dummy," Kyla asked, peeking her head inside her sister's door.

"Yeah…I just…needed to breathe for a minute…collect myself some," Ashley said.

Ashley leaned her head on the steering wheel and stared at the house in front of her. Her heart was mere seconds from her, and she, for the first time in a long time, was nervous. She was scared. What if Spencer didn't love her any longer? What if sobriety made her boring? What if, what if, what if??

Kyla opened the car door and grabbed Ashley's arm, literally pulling her out of the Porsche and onto the street.

"Stop second guessing everything girl. There is a woman behind those doors that loves you, and has missed you…for whatever reason. So go get her," Kyla scolded, pushing her sister toward the Carlin's front door.

Ashley steadied herself for her long awaited reunion and let out a long breath before leaning forward to knock on the wooden door.

She took a step back to stand next to her sister, and held her breath as she waited for the door to open.

As it swung open she was met by the kind eyes of Arthur Carlin, smile firmly in place, as he sighed at the sight in front of him.

"My two favorite brunette sisters. Ashley, you look great," Arthur exclaimed, grabbing Ashley and pulling her into a fierce hug.

"Thanks Mr. C. That means a lot to me, as does this little get together."

"Oh don't mention it. It's my pleasure. I'm so glad to have you back, healthy, and filling Spencer's life."

Ashley smiled as Arthur leaned in to give her sister a welcoming hug as well.

"Speaking of Spencer, is she around?" Ashley asked.

"Umm, actually, she hasn't made it just yet. She had some running to do and hasn't turned up, but why don't you girls come on through and we'll go sit out back by the pool until she arrives."

Ashley couldn't help but allow her shoulders to slump forward in disappointment before Kyla pinched her side to straighten her up. She scowled at her sister, wincing in slight pain.

"Thanks Mr. C, that sounds great, especially with it being so nice out today," Kyla responded, pulling her sister into and through the Carlin house.

"Don't read into this and start thinking negatively Ashley," Kyla whispered.

Ashley just smiled and nodded before grabbing her sister's hand and pulling her out the back door.

They all fell into easy conversation, and Ashley found herself so happy and comfortable in Arthur's presence that she didn't even hear the back door slide open and shut…her blonde beauty coming to rest behind her chair.

"So, Ashley," Kyla began, "Do you think Spencer will be happy to see you?"

Spencer smirked at Kyla, shaking her head at the incredulous girl.

"Well, I hope so. I mean, I know I've been out of my mind without her," Ashley admitted.

Spencer leaned over the brunette, wrapping her arms around her neck, "I've been out of my mind too, baby."

Ashley jumped at the contact, spilling her tea, but caring none. She stood from her chair and turned around to face the girl she'd missed every day since they had parted ways.

Spencer smiled, delivering her signature head tilt and reached out to pull Ashley toward her, taking note of the tears that were threatening to spill from the brunette's eyes.

"God, I missed you," Ashley exhaled, once in the safety of Spencer's arms.

Spencer placed a kiss on the side of Ashley's neck and breathed deep, the scent of the girl she loved so much.

Arthur stood, pulling Kyla with him and headed inside to give the girl's a private reunion as well.

"I missed you too, Ash…so much," Spencer choked out, fighting her emotions as well.

Ashley's hands seemed to grip around Spencer tighter and tighter, as she fought to find purchase on the perfect spot of her lover's body.

"Let me look at you," Spencer said, pulling back some to hold Ashley at arm's length. "You look just as beautiful as the day I left you."

Ashley blushed, smacking Spencer's hands away. "Shut up. You sound like you're eighty talking like that."

Spencer smiled at Ashley's embarrassment and pulled her in close once again.

"Can I kiss you now?" the blonde inquired.

Ashley nodded before leaning forward to capture the pillowy lips of the girl she loved so much. She loved the feeling of those soft lips consuming her own, and got lost in the sound of their increased breathing and smacking lips.

The second Ashley felt Spencer's velvet tongue brush across her own she was gone. She dove deeper into her lover's mouth, relishing in the feel of the blonde's tongue sliding against her own. She could feel herself getting dizzy and craving oxygen, but her craving for Spencer was so much greater.

To her dismay, the blonde pulled back from Ashley and rested her forehead against the brunette's.

"As much as I DO NOT want to stop kissing you for like…I don't know…forever," Spencer giggled, "I have to. I won't stop if I don't now."

"I know, I know…it's okay," Ashley agreed, running her fingers through the long locks she missed so much.

Ashley sighed, as she led Spencer over to where they were all sitting moments earlier, and pulled her down onto her lap.

"I was hoping you would have been here to answer the door when I got here today," Ashley stated. "I was really kind of bummed that you weren't."

"I know, I'm so sorry. I had some running to do and I just didn't get it all finished in time to meet you when you got here." Spencer apologized.

"It's okay. No harm, no foul…right?"

Spencer nodded, tilting her head as she looked at her girlfriend.

" You know, I had to give a 90 day speech today before I left."

"Oh yeah? How did it go," Spencer inquired.

"Well, I think it went well, but it was so weird, I kept thinking there was someone standing in the back corner of the hall that left when I was finished speaking."

"Hmm…that is weird," Spencer stated. "Maybe they'll be there again when you go back in 90 days to proclaim your 180th day of sobriety."

Ashley absently nodded, playing with Spencer's fingers before the girl's words actually sunk in.

"Wait a minute, those are the exact words I used at the end…you were there, weren't you?" Ashley breathed out, staring into blue eyes.

Spencer grinned and nodded slightly, "Yeah…I was. I wouldn't have missed it for the world."

Ashley sat dumbfounded before pulling the blonde into a strong hug, placing a lingering kiss to the corner of her mouth.

"Why didn't you wait for me afterwards?"

"I just couldn't, Ash. After everything you and I went through there I thought it more appropriate that you walk out of there with the same person you walked in with…but I at least wanted to see you stand with your head held high before you left."

Ashley placed a few lingering kisses to the blonde's lips again, before pulling away and drawing their hands up to her face and kissing Spencer's fingers.

"Thank you Spencer, for being there for me today."

"I wouldn't be anywhere else baby…ever."

Ashley smirked and leaned into her girlfriend whispering, "Well, can you maybe be there for me upstairs for just a little bit?"

Spencer felt the shiver run the course of her spine as Ashley's breath tickled her ear.

"15 minutes Ash, that's it," Spencer stated, standing and pulling her girlfriend toward the house.

Ashley laughed at the urgency in the blonde's voice.

"That's not a whole lot of time to make love to you the way I want to Spencer."

"You can do that later Ash," Spencer continued in a serious tone, as she led Ashley by her hand. "Right now, I just need you inside of me, thrusting and panting until I cum so hard that I can barely breathe. We'll do things right…later."

Ash had to remind herself to close her mouth as her jaw had been hanging open at Spencer's words.

"Well…okay then," Ashley squeaked out.


	29. Chapter 29

**A/N: Thank you for the well wishes for my trip. LA was wonderful as always. I'm headed back mid-December. LOVE IT!! I appreciate all of the reviews...means the world to me. Looks like I have one more to wrap this up with a pretty little bow around it. Hope it's been worth your time in reading. I have enjoyed writing it and am hoping to publish again VERY soon. As always, let me know what you think!**

**Disclaimer: Own nothing but the storyline...and that's enough for me!**

* * *

After having followed Spencer through her dad's house, Ashley now found herself pinned to the closed bathroom door with a warm pair of lips branding every part of her neck.

"Spencer…wait," Ashley squeaked out.

The blonde pulled back slightly, never fully releasing Ashley from her grip and looked at the brunette with questioning eyes.

"What's wrong?"

Ashley's chest puffed up and down as she fought to bring her heart rate back to a normal pace. She flicked her tongue out across her bottom lip to moisten it and then slowly grinned at the girl in front of her. Backing her up to the counter, she slid her arms around the petite waist of her blonde love and hoisted her up onto the vanity.

"This is about you, remember? You wanted me," Ashley pointed to herself, "inside of you," she finished…poking Spencer in the chest.

Spencer's breath hitched in her throat at the huskiness in Ashley's voice. She did want to feel her girlfriend again, and she knew they had little time, so she just nodded her head in agreement for sake of time.

Ashley slid the dress up around Spencer's hips and peeled off the offending garment below, quickly leaning forward and running her tongue through the folds of the girl she loved.

Spencer's head fell back immediately as Ashley sucked and flicked at her swollen nub. She gripped the side of the counter with her right hand, while the left one drug across the mirror on the cabinet next to her. She could feel the end of the faucet digging into her lower back as she pressed herself forward into Ashley's mouth, ignoring the pain the metal object was causing.

"Christ, Ashley," Spencer breathed out, as the brunette between her legs quickly entered her with two fingers.

"Mmmm…I missed how you taste," Ashley confessed as she kissed Spencer soundly, all the while pumping two fingers in and out of the blonde at a fairly rapid pace.

Spencer bit down on the brunette's bottom lip as Ashley slipped another digit inside.

"God, harder Ash…"

"It feels so good to be so deep inside you Spencer."

Spencer's head was swimming with heat and light as she focused on the voice in her ear. She could feel Ashley pushing deeper with every thrust.

"Uhhhnnn…keep talking to me Ash…I love when you talk to me."

"Mmm…do you like me being this deep inside of you Spence?"

The blonde could do nothing but nod as she reached out for the mirror once again, this time leaving a smoldering print on the glass.

"I used to dream about this every night while we were apart," Ashley husked. "Sometimes, I could still taste you on my tongue…mmm…then I'd be two fingers deep inside myself, picturing your face the whole time I got off."

"Oh God…don't stop baby…please," Spencer begged, realizing she had wrapped one leg around Ashley's waist to pull her even closer.

"I will do this every day for the rest of my life if you let me Spence," Ashley admitted, curling her fingers inside the blonde, lightly stroking the spot that would drive Spencer over the edge.

"FUCK! Ash… Ash...ooooohhh," Spencer moaned out repetitively as she felt her body tense around Ashley's fingers, and start bucking down into the counter in a delicious rhythm.

"That's right baby…keep coating my fingers. I can't wait to lick them clean."

Spencer slumped down onto the counter, slowly coming down from her high, as Ashley slowly, and torturously, withdrew from her. She watched the girl that she loved bring her fingers to her mouth and start to lick them clean. Feeling herself getting warm again, she leaned forward, grabbing Ashley's hand and enveloping a finger she could suck clean as well.

Spencer's eyes drifted to the clock on the wall. "12 minutes Ash, I'm proud of you," she stated, running a finger down her lover's arm.

Ashley smirked, before dropping her head between Spencer's legs once more and slowly licking her from hole to nub.

"Aaassshhhh…what…what are you doing?"

Ashley smiled against her lover's warm core and simply mumbled, "I'm helping you clean up for the last three minutes."

Spencer ran both hands through brunette curls as her lover continued to lick and suckle her at a soft and slow pace. Not hard enough to really ignite another blazing fire, but just enough for the warmth to rage low in her belly.

After circling the blonde's entrance once last time, Ashley placed a firm kiss to Spencer's clit and then stood, pulling the girl into her arms.

"I love you so much Ash," Spencer confessed.

Ashley pulled back slightly, smiling and reaching for Spencer's discarded garment.

"Well, judging by the last 15 minutes or so, I'd say I have a bit of an idea how happy you are Spence," Ashley responded, slowly slipping the blonde's underwear back up her legs and into place.

Spencer smiled, pulling the brunette against her and holding on for dear life.

"I missed you too, Spence…and I am very happy to finally begin my life again. This time with the person I love the most."

Spencer nodded, pulling away from her lover.

"So, can I officially call you my girlfriend now?" the blonde smirked.

Ashley grinned, shaking her head at the girl in front of her. "You most certainly can."

They both laughed before Spencer pulled the door open and started to take a step out, Ashley placing her hand on the blonde's lower back.

"Oww…" Spencer hissed, jerking forward a bit.

Ashley immediately withdrew her hand and furrowed her brows. Grabbing for the blonde's shirt, she pulled it up slightly and winced at the nasty mark tainting perfect skin.

"Jesus Spencer, what the fuck happened?"

Spencer scoffed, looking at her girl with dumbfounded eyes. "Umm, that is from the bathroom faucet you just had me shoved against."

Ashley eyed her cautiously, before tracing her fingers over the still warm markings. Realization dawned on her quickly and she immediately shook her head in shame.

"I am **SO** sorry, Spencer. Seriously, why didn't you push me back or something, we could have found a different way…I mean…this was so not necessary…I mean, God…" the blonde attached her lips to the rambling girl in front of her, effectively silencing her for the time being.

Pulling back a few seconds later, Spencer just grinned at the love and guilt in Ashley's eyes.

"Baby, I couldn't even think about that at the time. I was a little pre-occupied at the moment, so any pain I feel is just now surfacing. Besides, I wouldn't have stopped you for all the money in the world," she purred, pulling Ashley toward the stairs and back down into the living room.

"I'm still sorry," Ashley quietly offered.

"I know you are Ash, and it's totally okay. Trust me."

* * *

The girls headed to the back patio where they found Mr. Carlin and Kyla sitting at the table, drinks in hand, laughing whole-heartedly.

"What's so funny, Dad?"

Arthur looked up, meeting his daughter's eyes before just giggling even more.

"Okay, seriously," Ashley stated. "What are you two so giddy about?"

Ashley stood her ground, eyebrows raised, as she stared at her sister, awaiting an answer.

Kyla's giggles died down and she grabbed Ashley's hand, pulling her over and onto her lap.

"We were just talking bets, Ash…about how long you two would be gone before you came back thinking we wouldn't know what you were gone doing," Kyla confessed. "And trust…I KNOW what you two were doing."

Arthur started laughing again, while Spencer's face turned bright red.

"This is disturbing," Spencer stated. "I'm not going to listen to my own dad laugh about my sex life."

Just as Arthur opened his mouth to respond, Spencer shook her head, sticking her fingers in her ears and singing "Oh my darling, Clementine."

Ashley even started laughing at Spencer's response, but stood up from Kyla's lap and pulled Spencer down onto her own in the chair next to her sister.

"Oh stop baby, your dad's no dummy," Ashley teased, winking in Arthur's direction.

Spencer winced a bit and tentatively leaned forward on Ashley's lap.

"You okay, Spencer?" Arthur inquired.

Spencer just nodded, before tucking her head into the side of Ashley's neck.

Kyla looked at her sister, questioning her with her eyes before Ashley pointed to the blonde's back and shrugged, wiggling her eyebrows a bit.

Kyla burst out laughing at Ashley's reaction, causing her sister to giggle some as well.

"Ashhhhh..." Spencer whined. "Are you serious with this? Can't you just leave some things unanswered?"

Giggling at her lover, Ashley placed a soft kiss on Spencer's head.

"Not when they involve you baby girl. I'll tell the world everything they want to know. No details spared."

Spencer raised her head, looking over at her father, who was paying close attention to Ashley's speech.

"Dad, you better plug your ears and start singing too if she decides to follow-through with her word," Spencer deadpanned.

"Oh my darlin', oh my darlin', oh my darrrrrrrrlin, Clementine," Kyla sang.


	30. Chapter 30

**A/N: Well...here you have it. The final chapter. The finale. Hope it doesn't disappoint. I can't thank you all enough...for sticking around for the long haul, reading, and reviewing. Totally means the world to me. Life presents us with ups and downs and sometimes those prevented me from updating in a consistent manner...but here I am...finishing at long last. Pass along your words of wisdom. I left this open for a possible sequel, but I noticed a challenge on another site that has piqued my interest...Ashley as a Robot, Spencer a human...they fall in love...hmmm. Not sure I'm worthy enough to pull it off though. I'm tossing some ideas around...so we'll see.**

**Disclaimer: FOR THE LAST TIME...i don't own it...unless you're speaking of the storyline. :)**

* * *

_**3 months later…**_

"Well, it's been 180 days for me…and 90 since I last stood here in front of everyone proclaiming my sobriety. You know, I hate that word proclaiming, it sounds so forthright, and unbreakable…and let's be honest…unbreakable, is one thing I am definitely not," Ashley began.

It had a been a long 90 days since leaving Memories, and Ashley was determined to show both sides of the story to everyone sitting in front of her.

"Sobriety is a daily struggle, and while it's gotten easier, you have to be on your toes at all times. I perform in front of large crowds and small bars, but both places are littered with people ready to give you anything you want, and trust me when I tell you that I've found myself in the middle of an internal battle more than once," Ashley confessed.

Ashley looked across the faces of the people that appeared to be attentively listening to every word she said, and locked eyes with the one person that mattered the most to her. She allowed herself to get lost in blue for a minute, before winking, grinning, and continuing with her speech.

"I have been fortunate enough to have someone in my life that has been supportive, understanding, loving, and sometimes tough as nails, to help me every day since I left here. I have tested our love more times than one," Ashley confessed.

_

* * *

_

_Flashback:_

"_That was an awesome show Ash!"_

"_Thanks Trevor. It feels good to be back out there performing."_

"Well, just in case you want to unwind, I left you a little something in your dressing room."

_Ashley felt her stomach turn and knot up as Trevor patted her on the back and walked away. She made her way through the hall and then her dressing room door. On the table, next to the wall, were a small mirror, a razor, and a tiny bag of white powder._

_Ashley walked closer to the table, staring at the powder, before sitting down and pulling the baggie closer to her face for inspection._

_Spencer walked through the door at that precise moment and was instantly stopped in her tracks at the sight before her._

_Ashley turned slowly, meeting blue eyes, before staring at the baggie in her hand once again._

"_Spencer, it's not…"_

"Stop Ashley, I don't want to hear it. Go ahead and cut your lines. I mean, you've come so far, why not throw it all away?"

"_This was left in my room, I just got in here and found it, Spencer, and you have to believe me when I tell you that I didn't ask for this."_

"_Do you want it?"_

"_Spence…"_

"_Do. You. Want it?"_

_Ashley looked between her lover and the powder in her hand. She could feel the ache deep in her belly as she recalled just how the high would feel after she would snort a few lines. Before she knew what was happening, tears were racing down her face, her hands were shaking, and she could barely breathe._

"_Yes," she admitted, "My __**body**__ wants this right now..."_

_She dropped the baggie and turned to Spencer, "but my heart wants you, Spencer. And I'm not stupid enough to believe you won't walk away from me because of that stupid little baggie. You are more important to me, and I've come too far…and…and…"Ashley choked up._

"_Come here baby…it's okay. I understand," Spencer admitted, pulling the brunette close and stroking her soft curls._

"_I love you."_

_  
"I love you too, baby."_

_End Flashback _"But she has stood by me every step of the way, and I love her for everything she is, and everything she has helped me become," Ashley continued.

* * *

Spencer zoned out, but could feel the tears threatening to break loose. She was so proud of everything Ashley had accomplished over the past 6 months. Her tears were for her girlfriend's pain, her own pain, and they were for the love that has continued to grow between them over the months. She loved this broken beauty in front of her more than she had ever loved before. Ashley was her world, and as chaotic as it sometimes was, she wouldn't trade it for anything.

"So keep your heads up, your hearts open, and your eyes wide to the world you are about to re-enter. You will be seeing everything again for the first time and I encourage you to stop and breathe before you make any decisions this go around. I know I find myself breathing more now than I ever did…and it feels so good! Thank you!"

The people in attendance rose to their feet immediately and applauded Ashley as she moved around from behind the podium. Doctor Hamilton and a couple of nurses hugged her as she slowly made her way to the blonde that had taken up residence against a back wall.

"That was an inspiring speech, Miss Davies."

Ashley blushed, but reached forward and pulled Spencer toward her. Her hands fit so perfectly on the hips in front of her.

"Thank you. You know, I'm really glad you decided to come with me today."

Spencer grinned, biting her lower lip, "I told you I would be here."

"I know you did. I'm just happy you stuck to your word."

"Well, it would have been hard to back out since I live with you and all…not to mention that psycho sister of yours that hasn't left me alone about being here."

"Speaking of ol' psycho sis, where is Kyla?"

Spencer narrowed her eyes and pointed over to the opposite side of the room where Kyla was talking to a woman in a rather animated manner.

"Oh jeez," Ashley rolled her eyes, "…you know she's talking about decorating ideas she has for the facility, right?"

Spencer giggled, covering her mouth with her hand to muffle her laugh from getting any louder.

Ashley shook her head and grabbed Spencer's hand in her own before pulling her toward the door leading outside.

"Where are we going Ash? Shouldn't we go get Kyla?"

"She can wait; I just want to go for a little walk while we're here…if that's okay."

Spencer nodded in agreement, giving Ashley's hand a slight squeeze before pulling it to her mouth and placing a soft kiss on the palm of her girl's hand.

Ashley just grinned, pulling the blonde outdoors and into the sunlight.

After walking, in silence, for 15 minutes or so, the girls ended up out on the beach. Ashley sat down in the sand, pulling Spencer down next to her, and immediately wrapped herself around the blonde's body.

Brushing her fingers through chocolate curls, Spencer enjoyed the silence for a minute with her lover in her arms.

"How are you feeling about being here again?" Spencer questioned.

Ashley pulled back slightly and looked at Spencer before leaning forward slightly, capturing the blonde's lips between her own, kissing her with love. Reaching up and running her fingers across the girl's jaw, Ashley continued to plant loving kisses on her girl's lips.

Spencer sighed, resting her forehead against Ashley's as the brunette continued to run her fingers through blonde locks.

"I feel good. I mean, it's hard, knowing where I've been…but it's better knowing where I am now," Ashley paused, turning her head and looking out at the water, "…knowing I'm here with you."

Spencer smiled, parting from Ashley and leaning back on her hands.

"So what do you want to do this weekend? We could always re-paint the guest room, like you wanted…maybe have Kyla over to help, order some Chinese…"

"Marry me." Ashley interrupted.

Spencer froze, before turning to look at the girl next to her.

"Wait…what? I don't even think that was a question."

Ashley grinned, pulling a 3ct, princess cut, platinum diamond ring from her pocket and holding it out to Spencer.

"Okay then. We'll do it your way. Will you…Spencer Carlin…marry me?"

Spencer could feel the tears building immediately as she stared at the ring between Ashley's fingers.

"But…are you sure…I mean, we've only been together for…"

"…our entire lives, give or take a few years," Ashley finished.

"No…you know what I mean. We've only been living together for 3 months…and you don't even know all my bad habits yet…and…"

"Are you trying to talk me out of this, Spence?" Ashley laughed. "I mean, let's be real here…we've known each other since we were children…we spent some time apart…we grew up…and yet, here we are…back full-circle. I have no doubt about this…I want to marry you."

Spencer stared at Ashley, dumbstruck and surprised by her composure.

Ashley sat back on her heels, mock kneeling next to Spencer.

"So, I'm going to ask you again…Will you…"

"Yes...YES! Of course I will…as long as you're sure…"

"Stop it Spencer. I'm here aren't I? Asking you…"

Spencer grabbed Ashley, enveloping her in a strong hug, before planting hurried kisses on her neck and face…ending with her lips, where she ran her tongue across the brunette's lips and was granted immediate entry.

Pulling back and holding Spencer at arm's length, Ashley brought the ring up once again so Spencer could see it.

"Can I put this on you now?"

Spencer nodded her head, her right hand shaking as she ran it across her forehead, while extending the left one out to her NOW future wife.

Ashley slid the ring on her lover's hand and brought it to her lips, planting a gentle kiss on the ring-covered finger.

"I love you baby….and I cannot wait to spend my entire life loving you."

"I love you too Ash…more than you will ever know."


End file.
